H is Having Affair after all - Part 2

[25yearsmlc]

Evie

(((( hugs))) and Congrats on the business news, which I assume is trustworthy due to his "fiduciary duty" to both parties...Hope you use that word there.....On the whole, believe me, you are luckier than most women in the world, and in my darkest moments, knowing that kept me grateful that--

We can walk about shopping, or drive to a church of our choice, without a male chaperone, our children are healthy, we have real shelter, we have food today and there will be food in the working refrig tomorrow, no one is shooting at us, beating us, keeping us from working or voting b/c we are women, there is no drought and no one is demanding for us to convert to their religion, while holding a knife at our throats. THIS makes us "luckier" (blessed abundantly) than 95% of women in the world.

Not bad at all. For that alone, I say Thanks to God. You asked once what a prayer MIGHT sound like. There are so many versions and so many reaons to pray, that's just one big one. If you think you might be praying, you probably are. Getting centered, calling it a higher power, whatever. Find what works, and keep doing it.

Kind of like DBing, and when you find what does Not work, don't keep at it. 180's, etc. You're doing better than you realize. Stay ON TRACK.
j-

[Evie]

Thanks 25yrs.

I know i am luckier than most. I know i have a H who is willing to try to at least compromise and try and find a resolution.

I know you said to distance from him, but in our case it doesn't work, there will be time in the future to distance, right now i have decisions to make that affect our children. If i don't talk to him he comes at me with anger, if i keep on with the contact it keeps him calm and rational to an extent.

I have found that he is moving the goal posts on what he wants me to consider, for example when his mom died she left him £25,000 pounds. We moved house with it and he is now asking for the £25,000 back!! I have said no and that he is unreasonable to try and claim it back, after all he was happy enough at the time to put into the property. That just makes me feel sad, he appears to be negating our whole lives together.

I have decided a fresh start is what i need, the house will always be ours and he'll always treat it as that. It is too big for me now. The girls are ok about the move and are quite excited.

I haven't agreed or signed anything yet. I want to go back to the solicitor with my proposed plan for her and let her decide if my decisions are viable.

On a personal note, i lost my temper in front of the boys earlier this week and scared them, then i cried and sobbed. I find i'm turning in on myself and just want to get in from work, get my pyjamas on and sleep. I don't want to be with couples. I cried last week when my yoga teacher touched me (skin to skin contact with another being other than my kids), i missed being hugged.

However, i do feel a lot better than a week ago. That initial panic has subsided as i've been proactive with the few small steps i have taken.

H wrote another email to d1 in France 2 weeks ago (she only told me this week), by the sounds of it it was similiar to what XH had told D2 ie i had had an affair with h. I think basically he was trying to justify himself and the A. She said she thinks he is a pr*t and didn't respond. She won't let me read it, she said it upset her and a lot of the content was patronising and inappropriate and would make me angry.

[Jen_Jam]

Hi Eve

Just a quick one - I'm good, I will update soon.

On the contact - remember do what works!

Sorry it's really short - dashing out the door for drinks and chinese (not part of WW!)

Back soon xx

[seekpeaceofmind]

I find i'm turning in on myself and just want to get in from work, get my pyjamas on and sleep..

This is probably the healthiest thing for you to do in the short term - think of your current stressors as having the same impact as getting slammed with the flu or some other nasty virus or injury. Your body and your mind need to rest to heal.

H wrote another email to d1 in France 2 weeks ago (she only told me this week), . . .I think basically he was trying to justify himself and the A. She said she thinks he is a pr*t and didn't respond. She won't let me read it, she said it upset her and a lot of the content was patronising and inappropriate and would make me angry.

Good for D! His last "fatherly" email was certainly all of those things and best ignored. Who needs all of that negative energy?

you are luckier than most women in the world, and in my darkest moments, knowing that kept me grateful that--

We can walk about shopping, or drive to a church of our choice, without a male chaperone, our children are healthy, we have real shelter, we have food today and there will be food in the working refrig tomorrow, no one is shooting at us, beating us, keeping us from working or voting b/c we are women, there is no drought and no one is demanding for us to convert to their religion, while holding a knife at our throats. THIS makes us "luckier" (blessed abundantly) than 95% of women in the world.

I was glad to be reminded of this. Perspective is everything. There is always someone who has it worse. I've been anxious today - noticed it while I was driving in the car listening to an audio recording of "Reading Lolita in Tehran". As I was noticing my anxiety, which I assumed was due to my sitch and I was trying to identify my thoughts so that I could stop them, I realized what I was listening to and thought that the tales of war, executions, etc might be the source of my dread. . . .

[Evie]

Jen, hope you enjoyed every single mouthful of your chinese meal and beer!!!! You have to have a blow out every so often....

Thanks Jen & seek for your positive thoughts.

Just when i was feeling a little less numb and shell shocked about the events of the last week, I was told by H's good friend that he is sure that H & ow are still seeing each other...

A few weeks ago H was sat with friend working out our finances and good friend said to H, 'you know if you and ow are planning to be togther in the future you save money by renting together'. (friend said he honestly doesn't know if affair is still going on, but if he was a betting man, he would bet it still was)

H must have said something to ow b/c she then txtd friend and told him to mind his own business b/c she wasn't ready to make that commitment yet.

So they are still seeing one another. OK, but why continue to lie and deny? why say it was over b4 it started, they were just good friends and he had no intention of going back to her. Just what is his plan, why continue to treat me as a fool?

I believed him as well. I feel a fool. I was on here yesterday looking for positivity. I can't be friends right now b/c i've had more and i want more and b/c i'm still angry/hurt etc. I left the site yesterday with hope again that we may still have hope and decided i would try and act in accordance with DB, to get back on track. I have said a lot of things this past week, not regretable stuff, not hurtful stuff like he has said to me or to D1. I know i need to back off again. He doesn't see that he is so messing with my head, that he has done over the last 12/18 months.

He will relentlessly pursue her if that is what he wants. If he has promised her a future this would explain her cockiness around me. The thought of her with my kids makes me so mad.

[seekpeaceofmind]

I am afraid that there is going to be more turmoil around you for a while. Brace yourself and lean on your true friends.

I'm not sure about this friend of H's - he seems to like to be the one with the news. It's really important right now that you surround yourself with people who have your best interest at heart and who understand you and what you need for support. I see no point in the things that this guy said to you or why he would want to stir up the drama.

I understand how you feel if H is lying - but, if he is, it's not too surprising given the huge blow-up when the A was first exposed to the light of day. The fact that his workplace is involved makes it even more likely that he would keep hiding. You probably need to take most things he says at this stage with healthy skepticism. Trust but verify? Or, don't even bother to verify unless it is about your financial issues. Just wait and see what happens - forget about the words and see what the actions tell you.

You know - when I think of your sitch, I think of the kind of person that this OW seems to be. I contrast her walking out on her disabled H versus you trying so hard to be true to your vows and loving your H even when it hurts so much. These are the two extremes that he seems to be choosing between. (Unless he really was just having a little fling that stopped being fun when they got caught). Honestly - if he does have a choice to make and he chooses a woman like her, then he deserves what he gets. It's just so much harder for you that your innocent children will be affected by this choice and that you will still have to co-parent with this man no matter what else happens.

Does your yoga help you with managing your thinking and emotions or do you do it more for physical exercise than for meditation?

Hang in there. Here's a prescription - Find a comedy to watch or do something else that will give you a chance to laugh.

[Jen_Jam]

Eve you don't know for sure your H is still having the A, it's only based on what this friend has said. The A could be on/off, on/off, you just don't know.

What I'm saying is you can't base your actions on H's. Detach. Your H will do what he does, you have very little control over that.

It sounds to me like there is a lot of gossip surrounding H and OW. It's making them uncomfortable and defensive. I don't feel sorry for them, don't get me wrong, I'm just suggesting if you don't join in this gossip you will gain the higher ground and you will not be part of the pressure that H is facing. Please don't listen to friends - they mean well, but a simple "thank you, but I'm just concerned about the welfare of me and the kids right now" might well go a long way.

[Evie]

Thanks girls.

With all that said, i still don't know what to do?

On Friday i was all for selling my house, having a fresh start, somewhere that i can call my own, etc etc then when i found that out yesterday i thought to myself why should H have to control every situation? He is taking advantage of me being a nice person. He doesn't care about me or my feelings only himself and what he can gain financially out of this.

So do i now stop in the house and he doesn't gain financially?

Do i take the business to go LTd to start gaining financially asap? (we may lose the booking with the pool anyway so the business could be lost sooner rather than later)and agree to move house?

Do i stay in the house and we both suffer financially?

So far what i'm thinking is go into business for the short term financial gain, put house up for sale (i have agreed to this so far, at least i will get my jobs done and it keeps H passified for the short term.

Seek - i do yoga to help with my thoughts, it keeps me centred and relaxes me.

Jen - i'm not sure that they are facing much pressure anymore. The pool is well away from the main admin building and if you were at the pool it would be to work, so not many people tend to go down there and also H has never mixed so he keeps himself to himself. I think the gossip has died now. The only pressure maybe is from H?.

Also his actions have been consistant since the day he left, he is still playing me. He says he's not a ba*tard, but his words say otherwise.

I just feel H is having it all his own way. I just can't believe that he acts as if he is all caring etc yet his actions/words are all so callous? As i said before it's as if he has no happy memories of us at all??? I feel i'm just been pushed a side, like i mean nothing, like our life meant nothing and also as if our children mean nothing. (yes, i do say children, i truely feel as if he enjoys have limited time with them and pretends to be this caring doting dad, when in reality he has very little patience)

[seekpeaceofmind]

It is so hard to have these choices thrust upon you - none of this is what you would want if things were going your way, but there it is. I think it is normal to be mad and I would also feel controlled right now. I think that the key is to make your decisions based on criteria that are impartial and supportable. Your emotions - how you feel about it - may be one criteria, but not the only one. With the house, you might prefer on an emotional level to keep it (better for the kids, easier for you, it's a "win" over your H), but what are the other criteria that you have to consider in terms of money, upkeep, location, etc? This is why it is so good that you are working with a solicitor - like you said, she can help you sort through your decisions and confirm if they are viable or not.

Your feelings are normal - but try not to give them too much power over you. You are a positive, caring person. Does it help to picture your H in the MLC "fog"? When I was able to think of this as a time of illness in my H's life, it made it easier for me to cope with the thoughts of rejection and abandonment.

[seekpeaceofmind]

Hey, Evie? You're quiet - are you ok?