Drowning after 23 years!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Fair enough; thanks.

One other thing I wanted to ask you, that's really helped for a lot of us: anti-depressants (ADs). They were recommended to me, and I fought it for awhile, but they REALLY helped. My doctor gave me both the long-term, "even you out" ones (which take 2-3 week to kick in), and also ones to take immediately if I'm having an anxiety attack (and I had had two or three).

I can't recommend them enough. Ask your doctor about them.

Puppy

[CBK]

Thanks - I did ask about them at one point. Right now I am trying to cope, some good days, some bad. I take ambien to sleep some nights, trying to kick that though. If I can get 4 to 5 hours of sleep, I am pretty good.

The good news is that we know this is situational depression, not long term. If I keep spiraling, I will go again. If I can't shape up after a week with the kids, I will go for it.

[FaithfulH]

CBK,

I posted this on your other thread, too!

I let them know about my sitch as they are good friends with both of us.

CBK,
Dear Brother....I HAD to stop by and share a bit of HOPE with you. I found this board about 2 years ago when my W filed for Legal Separation and then "upgraded" to Divorce. After a roughly 9 month separation, we reconciled. I just got back from a week long vacation with my lovely W to the Outer Banks of NC. If I sound prideful....I'm NOT....God healed my marriage (after I got out of the way)! Oh, and he healed the crap in me too!

You can catch up with my sitch if you want by going to my signature block below and then work backwards. If you have time, I highly recommend it! There are so many parallels in our sitches....and I can feel your raw pain in your posts. Trust me....I felt it...and made all the "mistakes" you have made. I wanted to share a few thoughts in order of importance:

• THANK YOUR WIFE - Yes, you need to Thank your W for having the courage to confront your lukewarm (by your own admission) marriage. This is NOT God's plan for marriage. BTW, mine was exactly like yours....not bad...but definitely not good. This may not make sense to you now....but, WHEN your marriage is restored....not IF...but WHEN your marriage is restored, you will know what I am talking about. You are in for the ride of your life....but, the journey is worth it if you can hang on. The glorious marriage on the other side of this mess will be so AMAZING!
  
• PRAY - You DON'T have the strength to do this! But God does....and He will work MIGHTY miracles if only you ask
  
• DETACH - This is a great website: Detaching I didn't understand "detaching" until I read this. You will know you are detached when your W's every action does not concern you in the least. You MUST give her space. The quicker you learn how to do this...the quicker you will see positive results.
  
• GAL You need to focus on YOU! Set Goals for YOU....not your W....not your R...YOU! I remember reading somewhere...what would you do if you were getting ready for an Olympic event? A Marathon? Two-a-days? Eat Right? Rest? Lots of exercise? There is nothing less at stake here than the future health of your entire family!
  
• READ, LISTEN, WATCH - #1 on the list should be your Bible. I agree with Steve's recommendation about Schnarch's Passionate Marriage . Better yet, get the audio version which is awesome. I don't like Deida...seems too secular to me. I would recommend highly Ed Wheat's small book titled, "How You Can Save Your Marriage Alone". Other great books....anything by John Eldredge (Wild At Heart is great). Max Lucado....Facing Your Giants...excellent book. Excellent Audio Book by T.D. Jakes "Fight For The Family"
  
• DON'T TALK TO FRIENDS/FAMILY ABOUT YOUR TROUBLES Huge mistake! I guarantee you that no good will come from this. I learned this the hard way! Your W obviously wants you to keep things between here (re: Tiffany's story....her desire to keep OM private). What are you going to do when one of your friends says something and it comes back to your kids?

I am not on the boards often...but, I will try to stop in occasionally and check on you.

My Prayers are with you, CBK! You CAN get through this...with God's help!

[CBK]

Thanks - this is a great post and loved your links, especially the one on detaching. Highly recommend.

I am so new at all this, first month under my belt. I hate it and my emotions run from happy to uncontrolable crying in about 2.5 seconds sometimes.

Right now, WW is in her room reading. The hardest thing in the world is to not just run in there and kiss her and run out - like that would cure the entire thing! Well, that wouldn't solve anything, but I can dream! Dreams and hope is what I have and will hold onto as I go through this process.

[CBK]

Have been reading Marshall's book, "I love you, but I don't really love you" - good book. It is amazing the case studies sound just like me and W... How do you get WW to read stuff, especially on infidelity? I know she wouldn't read it if I gave it to her... I thought about putting it in an evelope with her name and a note inside saying something like "we know and have been there - this book will help" and leave it on the front door when I am out of town... Thoughts?

Also, W is planning on going to a concert on Mother's day with D20, her mom and MIL! What does that mean? Nothing, a lot, baby step, trying to get MIL on her side (which will never happen). So many mixed messages.

Dying to call her as I am on a business trip, but I can make it a couple of days -

[Puppy Dog Tails]

CBK,

Forget the books. "You can't teach an adulterer." At best, you can get thru some simple "truth darts."

Puppy

[CBK]

Thanks Puppy,

When you say truth darts, what do you mean? I am not there as far as exposing the A. I know it works for some, doesn't for others. Wednesday is a big day, have a DB coach session, MC session and an IC session, will be exhausting... the MC session is last, so hopefully will have a game plan by then.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Truth darts are short, truthful statements made to someone having an affair to remind them of what they are doing. You can't "teach" them in their foggy state, but you CAN sometimes get thru with short darts.

Some examples I used:

-I will not hide your affair.

-I will not financially support your affair.

-It's your mess, you clean it up.

-Send her an email with STD statistics, no other comments.

-Secrets kill marriages.

-You are being played.

- Your current behavior is not helping the children.

- "No contact" means "no contact". Working in close quarters with someone who's admitted being attracted to you, and vice-versa, is inappropriate in a HEALTHY marriage. It's absolutely DESTRUCTIVE in one that's on the rocks!

- How will you be able to counsel your daughters one day if they're having problems? To cut and run? To have an affair?

- You are placing your friend before your husband, and your friendship before your marriage.

- Forget ME for a moment; you are not going to like yourself someday if you keep going down this path.

Hope those help.

Puppy

[hopeful4her]

I learned the hard way that leaving info and books about stuff does not work. It only backfires. I have a bookshelf full of books. It helped me learn alot about her, myself and just the differences between men and women. It does help in our conversations when I can through the things that I have learned her way.

[hopeful4her]

CBK, how are things in your sitch?