Totally Lost after 23 years

[CBK]

Okay, went downstairs and W was on her computer. She asked how I was doing and why I came home from church early. I told her I was having a bad morning. Of course, it developed into a R conversation. I was trying to be empathatic, listen to her. It was tough. What she said is that she is best being by herself, that is where she is the most happy. She is honestly trying to distance herself from OM, but I know she will talk to him every now and then. Of course I started to get in the way I feel and why I can't understand where she is. Also why she couldn't talk to me at all - but I keep not hearing her answer, and I did today. She didn't know, she thought she was broken. She has said this several times, but I today, I was getting it. But she was getting upset when she said it, so I started to get upset. Rather than try to empathize, I said I need to walk away for a bit until I calm down as I don't want to get mad.

So I came up here to post... Slip sliding away...

[CBK]

She came upstairs and I told her she was right, I wasn't listening to her, but only listening to what I wanted to hear. I know why she couldn't talk to me earlier, she thought she was the one that had to work everything out on her own, she thought she was broke. So here I am pushing her to tell me what happened in the past where I need to more concerned about the now... does this make sense? Is this an "aha" moment or a "duh" moment?

[addie]

Hi CBK, try not to get into ANY R talks. If your W brings it up, just listen or validate by saying "I'm sorry you feel that way" and NOTHING else. You don't have to agree or even empathize with her at this point because you're still too emotional.
It WILL get better with time. You have to allow yourself to go through the grieving process. It's o.k to cry but do it when she's not around. Don't let her see a weak man, show her a strong, confident man. This is so very difficult to do but you must do this if you want to save your M.
It's great you went to church. Instead of coming home early, you could have gone for a drive, composed yourself and then gone home. W wouldn't have known there was anything wrong. Are there any other GAL activities you can do? Don't stay in the house. You said you don't have many friends where you're living. Go for a walk, to the gym, for a drive. Go watch a movie on your own, shoot some golf balls, anything to get your mind off your sitch.

I will suggest you read some of the advice from Sandi2. She was a WAW and has given some fabulous advice to others in a similar sitch as you. Do a search for her username and read her posts to others.
Good luck and keep posting.

[CBK]

Thanks Addie - much appreciated. I was very weak last night and this AM - I feel horrible about it and I know I took one giant step backwards.

The only good news I could find is that there were three letters that were addressed to me and the kids, thought they were dear john letters, but during the conversation, W said they were when she was really feeling despair. I asked her to please take them and put them with her private stuff as the snooping is too tempting. She went upstairs to journal in her room and I am sure saying how last night went and our conversation - which will NOT happen again that way. Then she read the letters and I heard her crying. That was in her worst of times and not knowing where she was going - but I am hopeful the letters said how proud she was of us as a couple and how proud she was of me on the things I did in my life. That was right about 2000 when she wrote those, so hopefully they will help her re-write history.

Next piece of good news is that I have a two day trip on Monday, so no WAY I can snoop or hopefully get into a R conversation.

thanks

[CBK]

Just venting a bit right now. After a horrible backsliding morning, I went out and ran some errands and caught up with some friends. I let them know about my sitc as they are good friends with both of us. They were shocked (as most people are) - of course I didn't give them details, but the first thing his wife said "does she have somebody else" - of course I said I wasn't sure - that was our agreement - and said that this we have had issues for a few years. When they asked about how we were working this out, they said my W isn't thinking this out, she has outside influence, talked about commitments, etc. I was like YEA! I felt a little guilty when I left though as I probably said too much. Our wives are friends and she is going to call my W in a couple of days. Will see what happens. I asked that they respect all of our friendships and that stuff happens and I am hopeful we can work this out. The asked if W wanted to, what should I have said? I said she is working on herself to become happy with who she is.

Right now, I am at home reading as W had to go into her office to get some work done - all this counseling cuts into her time. She has been there for quite a long time, and of course, I am going nuts. But I am getting mentally prepared when I do hear the garage door open, to greet her with a smile, ask if she got all the work done she needed and if she is hungry. No more, no less. Just need to keep the anxiety to a minumum!

I learned a great deal this AM, I am not ready to be having any R talks, it will take a long time before those come. As steve asked, I say it will be a long time, but have I accepted it - I am getting there! I am building my support network on this site and some old friends as well. I need to have a cadre of folks I can call or write to so I can settle down, breathe and GAL! GAL is tough because of my age and the town I live in, but have gotten some wonderful ideas. I am not looking for love, I have that, just need to re-feed it!

Now I have written posts like this before... I know I can keep this one (at least I hope :-))

[CBK]

OK - W got home about 6 PM - no more panick. She was at her office doing work. She came home and we talked about her day - yes, I listened, responded toward her needs. One of our friends called me today, I broke the news to them about W and M - told W about it so when she got a call, she would be prepared. She was thankful for that. I made dinner, we made more small talk. I kept making eye contact - she seemed really down, I said that she seemed down and is eveything OK? She sighed and said yes, so I got up and did the dishes. No more, no less. She just went to he mom's to help her do some stuff.

Is this on the right path?

[FaithfulH]

I let them know about my sitch as they are good friends with both of us.

CBK,
Dear Brother....I HAD to stop by and share a bit of HOPE with you. I found this board about 2 years ago when my W filed for Legal Separation and then "upgraded" to Divorce. After a roughly 9 month separation, we reconciled. I just got back from a week long vacation with my lovely W to the Outer Banks of NC. If I sound prideful....I'm NOT....God healed my marriage (after I got out of the way)! Oh, and he healed the crap in me too!

You can catch up with my sitch if you want by going to my signature block below and then work backwards. If you have time, I highly recommend it! There are so many parallels in our sitches....and I can feel your raw pain in your posts. Trust me....I felt it...and made all the "mistakes" you have made. I wanted to share a few thoughts in order of importance:

• THANK YOUR WIFE - Yes, you need to Thank your W for having the courage to confront your lukewarm (by your own admission) marriage. This is NOT God's plan for marriage. BTW, mine was exactly like yours....not bad...but definitely not good. This may not make sense to you now....but, WHEN your marriage is restored....not IF...but WHEN your marriage is restored, you will know what I am talking about. You are in for the ride of your life....but, the journey is worth it if you can hang on. The glorious marriage on the other side of this mess will be so AMAZING!
  
• PRAY - You DON'T have the strength to do this! But God does....and He will work MIGHTY miracles if only you ask
  
• DETACH - This is a great website: Detaching I didn't understand "detaching" until I read this. You will know you are detached when your W's every action does not concern you in the least. You MUST give her space. The quicker you learn how to do this...the quicker you will see positive results.
  
• GAL You need to focus on YOU! Set Goals for YOU....not your W....not your R...YOU! I remember reading somewhere...what would you do if you were getting ready for an Olympic event? A Marathon? Two-a-days? Eat Right? Rest? Lots of exercise? There is nothing less at stake here than the future health of your entire family!
  
• READ, LISTEN, WATCH - #1 on the list should be your Bible. I agree with Steve's recommendation about Schnarch's Passionate Marriage . Better yet, get the audio version which is awesome. I don't like Deida...seems too secular to me. I would recommend highly Ed Wheat's small book titled, "How You Can Save Your Marriage Alone". Other great books....anything by John Eldredge (Wild At Heart is great). Max Lucado....Facing Your Giants...excellent book. Excellent Audio Book by T.D. Jakes "Fight For The Family"
  
• DON'T TALK TO FRIENDS/FAMILY ABOUT YOUR TROUBLES Huge mistake! I guarantee you that no good will come from this. I learned this the hard way! Your W obviously wants you to keep things between here (re: Tiffany's story....her desire to keep OM private). What are you going to do when one of your friends says something and it comes back to your kids?

I am not on the boards often...but, I will try to stop in occasionally and check on you.

My Prayers are with you, CBK! You CAN get through this...with God's help!

[CBK]

FaithfulH -

What a great post. I went to the detachment site, you are right on, I had no idea what detachment ment. Now I need t study this and begin the practices.

I have thanked my wife both in our conversations and in counseling for being so strong to step up like this. It will make our relationship stronger - whether it be as lovers or friends.

I pray at least once a day, if not more. I have asked God for Guidance and assistance. I had a hard time in church today for myself. I need to get past this.

I am trying to GAL - probably the most difficult thing, but will get there.

I am reading a ton and have your books and tapes on my list now. This is my full time job, everything else pales in comparison.

Interesting about family. Since my network is small, my mom, yes, my mom calls me everyday. I do have to be careful and I don't tell her about the details. She knows her little boy (6"2" 217 lbs) is hurting. There are only three people that know about the entire sitc outside of our counselors and they are very turstworthy.

I look forward to your visits and will read your string. They ahve been so helpful to me in so far.

Thanks,

CBK

[CBK]

Just to clarify - our friends have no idea there has been any infidelity - I promised my W that I would not do this. Even though I though about it, and sometimes still do, Addie and Stella smacked some sense into me! :-)

The only people that know the entire sitc is this board, three of my support group, at least one in hers and our counselors. Small group, and will keep it that way.

My concern is that WW is telling folks that she needs to move out at the end of summer and may do it just to save face. I hope not, but it gives me a lot of time to DB!

[CBK]

Okay, I have a question for you all...

I go to MC on Wednesday and I am trying to figure out how to DB during that? I get in more trouble because the MC asks questions and I feel the need to answer all of them! :-) I know part of the answer, relax, listen, breathe, empathize. I am at a total loss and am really nervous. I know I have three days, but I have blown every single one of them so far! Each time I come out, I feel as if WW is saying to herself, "he just doesn't get it" and I am starting to.

Ideas?