I'm sorry to hear the news, and I empathize with you. This is such a painful moment. Having not gotten to the L/court stage yet, I can only guess that it's one thing to tell yourself that a D is likely but a whole other punch to the heart to actually go through the motions of talking this with a L and hearing your wife say those things. I feel for you.
As to what to do, I think you have to let her go. Don't whine, beg, or plead. That's no basis for a M. If it's what she wants, she will get it one way or the other. Be gracious when you can, but don't cave in and give up what is rightfully yours. Throughout, take care of yourself physically and emotionally, rely on the support of friends and family, and keep on living the best you can day by day. You will pull through this. I can't say that it will be quick, and/or easy, but you will pull through. Keep working on yourself, and live in the moment without thinking or worrying about the past or the future. Keep working on yourself. What is this experience teaching you about yourself and life in general?
Give something back to others--doing charity work, or just simply being a kind person who smiles to the clerk who's stressed, can make a big difference for yourself and the karma of the universe. Your W is the negative one--let her be in that negativity. You can't fix it, so don't try. We want to, but we can't fix it. Maybe your W will regret this one day, but you don't know that. What you do know is that you have the power within you to live a full, joyous life. It may not look like that right now, but you will come to see that at some point. We create our own lives; your job now is to keep working on living a life you want to live.
Keep us posted as you go through this horrible time. Smile when you can. There is still reason to do so, even in the worst of times. In fact, I've come to see laughter and smiling, joy, etc. at times like this as a sign of our inner strength not to let life's events, which we cannot control, beat us down.
Give something back to others--doing charity work, or just simply being a kind person who smiles to the clerk who's stressed, can make a big difference for yourself and the karma of the universe.
That is the BEST advice!!!
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Need your thoughts.I found the below note from my very loving mother in-law written to my W April 1st. Sincerely one of the most influencal people in my life for 22 years. Some one I love very much along with her husband and her whole family. I respect her very much and she is truely a dear person. I was beyond shock. My question to you is shouls I respond. I was going to write a note and tell her how much I love her and respect her and then mistakenly attache the below note. My family said not to do it. NEDD YOUR THOUGHTS!. I am really shocked and hurt very badly. I know now that this is the end of my marriage.
Date: Tue, 1 Apr 2008 00:16:16 +0000
Well, it's at the end of cocktail hour and I should probably not send this. That said, you are a smart girl and can weed out the wheat from the chaff........... I'm nutty after drinks but not totally insane...........
If you have ever learned a single thing about 'timing', it's time to put it into effect NOW. Be calm, be cool, be sarcastic with a smile, bounce the bullshit back with a smile and a soft voice, be LOW KEY with the same soft voice, and be a royal pain in the ass with a perfectly reasonable soft voice. Answer all the [censored] with a common sense approach even if it costs you a few bucks............new locks where there are no keys for the old ones...........no brain surgery there (!), get taxis when you don't think it's wise to drive--------a total 'change of plan' from what he wants and expects if/when you are challenged as a good and responsible parent. etc. Think OUTSIDE the box he will continue to try to put you in!
For years he has amused himself and made himself feel superior by pushing your buttons and trying to make you look "The Nut". You have played into his hands more times than I am happy with, but then again I have never been treated quite like that and have not walked in your shoes. It all needs to STOP NOW because the mud is gonna fly and it won't be 'pretty' for awhile. That said, "this too shall pass"!!
The rubber is hitting the road, My Dear Sweet Girl! You are infinitely smarter than he is; you and your girly friends----when you really put your heads together------ will be quite formidable; and you and I together are The [censored] BOMB! (I will pay for your tongue repair surgery, but you're gonna have to bite it for a bit!)
YOU are going to have to get on your knees every night and pray like a mad woman for God to give YOU the strength to be The Voice of Calm Reason in that house. YOU must commit yourself to taking a step back each and every time he does his [censored] Dance. THINK first and respond later!!!! And anticipate the foolishness! Go outside the 'box' and do something so goddamned CALM and so goddamned REASONABLE as a response to his antics that he is tossed off the bridge at the end of the day by his own silliness. He throws 'drinking' in your face? If you cannot ignore it (the best scenario!), just smile and laugh and make a ONE SENTENCE low-key comment NOT LOUD---- ----just a calm, smiling, KNOWING, off-hand comment that in his heart he knows is true WITHOUT DRAMA. And then walk the hell away and DO NOT ENGAGE!!! Trust me, the KIDS know this [censored]------------they've lived it. You don't need to preach a sermon and his recent 'come to Jesus' won't erase all those years of knowing what the hell went on in that house! (I'm 61 and I remember what went on on Middle Street VERY well (her childhood house, Father was a drunk)..............)
ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is gonna go out of his mind to make you crazy and/or appear crazy. You have to STOP, THINK, give it a moment to come up with a CALM response, then SMILE BECAUSE YOU HAVE COME UP WITH A BLUFF-CALLER. You need to be 'walk-away girl' or very calm and succinct in your responses for these next months. Do NOTHING that allows him to paint you THE NUT!!!!
This is not brain surgery! Spend the money, take the kids out of their comfort zone if he presses you, FIND a perfectly REASONABLE way to meet his challenge!
You can do this, Darlin'! You are one of the smartest women I know, and I would pick you for MY team any day, any way, and any goddamned time I need somebody to watch my back and/or hatch a plan!
You need to totally DISENGAGE (which I think is a small step) emotionally and just look at him as a con man who's trying to pick your pocket...........of money, of assets, of the emotional connection to your children, and of your goodwill that you've earned in your community. You can't scream and yell loud enough or long enough for 'justice' so what you have to do is beat the son-of-a-bitch at his own.....SMILING ALL THE WAY.....................
To reiterate: His TOTAL FAVORITE drill has always been the "Sally's Nuts" routine. Variations coming at you now are the 'drunk' thing and the 'shirking parental duties' deal. God knows there will be more! But you must remember-----while you're pissed and frustrated----that this is more smoke and mirrors from a desparate man who is depending on YOU to go 'round the bend in order for HIM to 'look good'........... YOU MUST STAY CALM..............AND COOL...........AND AMUSED............AND TOTALLY UNFLAPPABLE!!!! It will unhinge him!!!! Please trust me!!!! And Steve and Amy and Cheryl!!! And if I am wrong (which I never am!), being the calm, cool, lady in that house will NEVER hurt you........ .... I can't lose............!!! ;-)"
Did you snoop BT?? tsk tsk....now you feel like your the enemy.
hold on, let me read this again.......
You want my honest opinion?
I like her support group
Sounds much like the support we get on here.
Quote:
YOU are going to have to get on your knees every night and pray like a mad woman for God to give YOU the strength to be The Voice of Calm Reason in that house. YOU must commit yourself to taking a step back each and every time he does his [censored] Dance. THINK first and respond later!!!! And anticipate the foolishness! Go outside the 'box' and do something so goddamned CALM and so goddamned REASONABLE as a response to his antics that he is tossed off the bridge at the end of the day by his own silliness. He throws 'drinking' in your face? If you cannot ignore it (the best scenario!), just smile and laugh and make a ONE SENTENCE low-key comment NOT LOUD---- ----just a calm, smiling, KNOWING, off-hand comment that in his heart he knows is true WITHOUT DRAMA. And then walk the hell away and DO NOT ENGAGE!!! Trust me, the KIDS know this [censored]------------they've lived it. You don't need to preach a sermon and his recent 'come to Jesus' won't erase all those years of knowing what the hell went on in that house! (I'm 61 and I remember what went on on Middle Street VERY well (her childhood house, Father was a drunk)..............)
Wow.....the more I read it sounds exactly like the support we get here???
I could quote everything.
Sounds like DB'ing, acting as if, and GAL.
It also sounds like she's setting boundaries.
You've got your work cut out for you BT.
Best of luck!
Jeanette
Change the Policy. Allow PM's Free all of us.
Also some new and improved emoticons would be nice!
It does sound like DBing but none of it would be possible for her to pull off because she is such a hot head, always has to have the first and last word. Is always screaming and yelling and could never be the voice of reason anywhere. She could never walk away and not engage. She loves to engage in any fight. I do have my work cut out for me. i would like to try forever but I think the end is near. BTW: I got asked out by a very nice lady today. i calmly told her she was wounderful but I need the time and was not ready yet. I think that is appropriate, no?
It does sound like DBing but none of it would be possible for her to pull off because she is such a hot head, always has to have the first and last word. Is always screaming and yelling and could never be the voice of reason anywhere. She could never walk away and not engage. She loves to engage in any fight. I do have my work cut out for me. i would like to try forever but I think the end is near. BTW: I got asked out by a very nice lady today. i calmly told her she was wounderful but I need the time and was not ready yet. I think that is appropriate, no?
