ok, little journaling my thoughts on me over the years.
I am a good man, a nice man and an averagely attractive man. I was always everyone friends and had loads of friends and spent a lot of time with friends. I still see a lot of my friends but TBH I would rarely see them for about 4 or 5 years, using excuses of money etc not to make the effort to go out.
When we had our first child, I had no idea and had an old fashioned head regarding howour lives would be. I would work and provide and my W would be mother. I did not appreciate what she was going through and how tough looking after a child was and took all the nagging wrong, felt I did my bit and W should just get on with it, i was how it was so why was it so much tougher for her than other mums ? My son was also v hard work as had reflux so we weren't getting much sleep at all and my W probably less than me. Once he got over his illnesses and started to be agreat sleeper and great fun at about 18mths, our R improved and I put it all just down to my W being a new mum with PND. However, when second child came along, it started all over, even though I was doing more this time round. I thought me not going out, literally working and then spending time with the family was enough, but due to the way my W spoke to me (nagging, bossing etc) I just shut up shop and thought it was going to be the same 18 months all over, then things would improve. However, I didn't realise how hurt my W was by my lack of affection, empathy, understanding through all this and didn't show her how much I loved her and really appreciated everything she was doing.
My W then started going out a little more and she is a beautiful woman, but i trusted her completely and really didn't think things were that bad, but as soon as another man showed her the things that I didn't, she went with it. (not slept with him to my knowledge). This obv gave her that inital romantic buzz again and want that more. I cannot do that now aswe've come this far, but hope I can be the one to do that inthe future. For now, I'm working on becoming that man i describe inthe first part of this post.
Not read this back so might be babble and i need bed, but if nothing else from this, i've realised i lst my true self and I want that back for me. That was the man my wife fell for.
It's tough as now i recognise my mistakes, I just want to hold my wife tight, tell her i love her and will look afterher and protect her forever, like she wanted 5 years ago.
I've no idea whether she thinks there is still achance for us as not mentioned R at all, just being positive about me and my boys
