Wow. It's been 15 days since I posted! I never thought I'd be in this space.
Well, things are GOOD. Very good. H is stepping up, but honestly, so much of this has been about not holding back, about addressing the icky-scary stuff directly, about asking for what I want. It's so different from the person I used to be...this new person is strong and clear and brave. I like this person...a lot.
I think the first time I brought up LW after H had recommitted was in October 2006. It took from then until about a month ago for me to fully, completely, whole heartedly speak my mind about how hurt I was and what I wanted. Do you remember me going to her party and inviting her to my H's 40th b-day surprise party? I did it for him...because I was afraid he'd be mad...because I still didn't trust our M.
Fast forward to March/April 2008. This SD would NEVER do that again. This SD set her boundaries, whatever the consequence. This SD loved and trusted herself enough to say No, that was wrong, it was hurtful to our M, and I will not allow her into my life.
You guys don't know me in "real life," but I have always been the sort of quiet, scared, don't speak up type...except within the context of my job. There I was a confident, bold woman. But everywhere else I was just small and scared.
I'm not that scared little girl anymore. More than anything, this experience has brought me to womanhood....at 38...but better late than never, right? I am different EVERYWHERE...I take more risks, try things, speak my mind. And what it is, is FREEDOM.
And maybe that's why so many of us are so much happier, at least if you believe Janis Joplin:
Quote:
Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.
We were there. We saw it and faced it and came through it stronger people. We let go and took care of ourselves.
I don't think this will ever be easy...M is something that needs constant attention and care. It's messy and imperfect. But I do know that no matter what happens, WE'LL be okay.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
I never thought I'd be in this space.
