Wow. It's been 15 days since I posted! I never thought I'd be in this space.
Well, things are GOOD. Very good. H is stepping up, but honestly, so much of this has been about not holding back, about addressing the icky-scary stuff directly, about asking for what I want. It's so different from the person I used to be...this new person is strong and clear and brave. I like this person...a lot.
I think the first time I brought up LW after H had recommitted was in October 2006. It took from then until about a month ago for me to fully, completely, whole heartedly speak my mind about how hurt I was and what I wanted. Do you remember me going to her party and inviting her to my H's 40th b-day surprise party? I did it for him...because I was afraid he'd be mad...because I still didn't trust our M.
Fast forward to March/April 2008. This SD would NEVER do that again. This SD set her boundaries, whatever the consequence. This SD loved and trusted herself enough to say No, that was wrong, it was hurtful to our M, and I will not allow her into my life.
You guys don't know me in "real life," but I have always been the sort of quiet, scared, don't speak up type...except within the context of my job. There I was a confident, bold woman. But everywhere else I was just small and scared.
I'm not that scared little girl anymore. More than anything, this experience has brought me to womanhood....at 38...but better late than never, right? I am different EVERYWHERE...I take more risks, try things, speak my mind. And what it is, is FREEDOM.
And maybe that's why so many of us are so much happier, at least if you believe Janis Joplin:
Quote:
Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.
We were there. We saw it and faced it and came through it stronger people. We let go and took care of ourselves.
I don't think this will ever be easy...M is something that needs constant attention and care. It's messy and imperfect. But I do know that no matter what happens, WE'LL be okay.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Hey SD; I just read breifly your thread...wow, you are just amazing! I aways knew that about you! I have missed all of you sooooo much; I have been in the dumps lately, but reading your posts, robs and everyone elses...it really has given me hope on ME! I have dedicated soooo much to pleasing my h, that I forgot about me and my needs. I am going to get back on track with me....thanks sweetie for being you and giving me the courage to fight for me again!!!!
Life is good, people. I can't believe how far we've come, H and I. Things are so good, actually, that the MC asked us if we're ready to go do this all on our own. We decided to drop down to once a month for the next couple of months and then decide. Honestly, I think we're through now.
What's changed? Really...I've learned to let go of fear in my R. It started with getting bombed and going through the DB process, continued with setting my boundaries, and cemented with a situation that happened to me last week where, when I went to H for support, I found he absolutely had my back with no judgment at all. It's still going to take practice, but...jeez guys, to be able to bring any situation to my H and know I'll be supported...to not be afraid of his judgment or reaction any more...it's what I've always wanted.
We are both lighter and happier in spirit together. It has truly been the type of reconnection...maybe even just real connection...I've always wanted.
There is light at the end of the tunnel after all....
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
I never thought I'd be in this space.