It's good to see you making changes; but do remember what was done in the past 22 years cannot be undone in 22 weeks. Overall you seem to be moving forward.
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Sienna, people can change when they want to, I didn't think I needed to change either until W and I seperated. Has your H made any attempt after the S to change at all? Have you seen any change in him? Would you be willing to work on saving your M if he were to change?
Not everyone is equal but anyone can change if they first recognize they want to change and then do what it takes to make it happen. -ping1
[From another post] This is my H's second epiphany (by epiphany, I mean when he realized that what he was doing was harmful and wanted to stop). The first being all the way before Christmas, and that did not produce any changes. I have been going to counseling (both individual and marriage) for nearly a year now. ALONE. No wait, he went once after he used physical force on me. Even then he said the MC was a crock. He said I "made him" use physical force on me. Classic abuser move.
I've gone through about 15 MC, abuse, self helf, etc book. Implementing the techinques, trying to make some sense of this man's irrational behavior. Looking to myself, to see what I may have done, that's always the first step - to look at yourself first.
The general theme from him was that it was all my fault, I was crazy/no fun/drove our friends away, flat out told me he didn't love me enough to even care, disrespected me in so many ways (denying me going to school, e.g.), he was mean to animals; I couldn't dog sit anyone's dog without the fear of him harming them. Then I just had enough. I couldn't stop the abuse (tried what the books said), and I had to get out for my own sanity. That's when he has his second epiphany. Admitted to everything, I wasn't to blame, he took all responsibility. I think only becasue he was fearing having to support himself (I supported him for years) and finally grow up.
Sadly it is far to late for me. Why did he push me away for a year, when all I was doing was trying? And he knew he was doing it (according to his latest revelations). I guess he has some inner demons he needs to sort out. It was as if I had no right to want to improve things, and that I was supposed to never make a peep. The slightest talk of wanting to work on a more loving partnership sent up his walls 5 miles high. I've come to the conclusion that he jsut isn't emotionally mature enough to handle a relationship. Three therapists guesstimated him to be "14 years" from the stories I've told. He's 33.
We have only been S a week. I am relieved. I am sad that this marriage is over, but happy that I have my life back. He's already declared that's he's changed (yet again) along with more promises. I know better. What has he been doing? Begging, crying, groveling, refuses to rent a place - instead he's living out of the SUV in the mountains. Can't even get a shower anywhere, calls me up and I say no contact for one month - remember?
I told him about DB and the website, because he needs some company. I would like him to eventually rid himself of those demons, but for himself. Not for us, because there is no us.
Lordy that was way longer than I had intended, and out of place, but I have anger coming out. It was suppressed. Maybe it does or doesn't sound like your sitch.
