Drowning after 23 years!

[Hope4us]

CBK, she's going to say that. She had to convince herself that her affair has nothing to do with your problems to make herself feel better about what she's done/doing. She has spent the last year rewriting all your marriage so she can justify the affair. It took her a year to do, she's not going to just say, "oh, my bad, I guess I was making all that up".

She's convinced herself right now that you are the problem. She has convinced herself that OM has nothing to do with it. YOU know it's B.S., but it's reality to her. She has to have no contact with OM for a period of time before she'll begin to see clearly.

Let me share a story. One of my best friends had an affair on her husband a number of years ago. Both her and hubby have been friends of mine since 8th grade. She ended the affair and they are happier than ever. She told me that for the first month or so after the affair ended she was angry. Angry with herself, with her OM with everyone, but guess who caught it? Yep, hubby. She had convinced herself that OM was the one and had this fantasy that they would live happily ever after. But after a month of NC she began looking at her Hubby differently. She started noticing that he wasn't as bad as she'd made him out to be. She said it took her another month after that before her ego would let her admit to H that she f'd up.

I guess the gist of the story is, that while in contact with OM, Waywards will make up all kinds of crap in their mind to justify it. Until there is no contact you'll never get past that. You just need to break up the affair and really work on the things that your WW has said bother her about you. They may be inflated, but there's probably some bit of truth in them. Work on making those changes. Don't tell her you're working on them. She won't believe you anyway. Just show her. And after this affair has ended, and given some time, she'll probably defog and realize what a mistake it was. Heck, right now she probably hates you just because you're the one getting in the way of "her happiness". Just blow it off. It means nothing, RIGHT NOW.

One other thing and then I'll stop. She will need time to figure this all out. It was described to me that waywards have so many emotions going on after it ends that they can't process it all at once. That's why the mood swings. Good one minute, bad the next. It's a struggle between your WIFE and your wayward wife. As no contact stays in place your WIFE will win more and more until the wayward just isn't there anymore.

I guess I should listen to my own advise. I'm getting that NC anger from WW (I think it's from NC). If you get to that point, beware, it's hell.

Hope this helps.