I think she's back

[Starshyne]

I have several threads over at piecing. But now things look in my eyes that H is back with the OW or with another OW. Yesterday two major things happened. I called H on his cell phone to tell him that I was going to out shopping. When I called him he said "Hi Amanda" (Ow's name) He said this was a mistake and appologized over and over about it. THEN...after he came home I found a receipt dated Saturday for roses. He gave me a REALLY LAME excuse about that. There are other little things that are standing out in my mind that by themselves wouldn't mean anything, but all put together point straight to an affair.

I am really at a loss. I refuse to go back to my life in December-February when H was involved wit OW and coming home to shower and eat his lunch. I don't think emotionally I could handle it all over again. H won't leave the house because his name is on the mortage and I don't have a legal right to make him leave. I don't want to go file for a seperation or divorce but right now I feel like that is my only choice to get him out.

If I confront him about the OW, he denies it totally. I hate that. I wish he'd just admit what I already know in my heart.

I feel so confused. It is extremely difficult to make these big decisions when you are scared and alone and hurt.

Sara

[MichelleLT]

(((Sara)))

[LL44]

I am so sorry!!! It seems you (sigh) might be right about H being involved. I swear, our gut/heart can sure be right sometimes.

One atty I spoke with said you can present emotional distress to a judge to get H to leave, but that might get nasty. I am pretty sure you don't want to move out either.

What do you want to happen if you find out H *is* still involved with someone?

My heart hurts for you.

[Frank V]

I would suggest you confront him with the idea that YOU are feeling anxious and need him to go into db mode with you.

NC with other woman.
Account for all whereabouts
Attend counselling sessions with you.
Be available at any and all times

Etc. It sounds like the two of you didn't go though db counselling to clean up his affair.

Most unfaithful spouses want to sweep it under the rug...it just leads to the affair starting up again or another one happening later on.

Don't accuse him. Just tell him you are anxious and he needs to curb his liberties for a while and attend counselling sessions with you...and in confidence tell your therapist how much evidence you have so far...hopefully the counselling might wake him up a bit.

Accusing him without evidence will just get you told you are "crazy".

I really don't think he has learned much at all from his affair..whether he is having one now or not he isn't managing the healing properly...buy "not just friends" and insist that he read it and work with you to heal properly...again this may again end his affair without you having to accuse him outright.

[LL44]

NC with other woman.
Account for all whereabouts
Attend counselling sessions with you.
Be available at any and all times

That is a great list, Mark (oh how I wishy MY husband would follow it!). IF her H is willing to work on their marriage. I am wondering if he isn't quite ready yet.

[Starshyne]

No, he was never ready to work on our marriage. Since he wasn't the one to end the affair in the first place, this all doesn't shock me. That doesn't help the hurt I am feeling. When I brought up MC, he did not want to go at all and was very sure about that (I already know what they are going to say), he wouldn't change his cell phone number and he now and then brings up the fact that as soon as he gets enough money, he will be moving out and getting his own place.

I wish we were at the place where I could bring that list to him and he was open to doing those things. He says that I treat him like his mother and he shouldn't have to check in with me. Treating him like his mother is one of my faults in our marriage, so I can see where he is coming from. He was supposed to have been home an hour ago. I don't know where he is. I am not going to call him.

I am scared that I am going to be left with no choice but to go to a lawyer to get him to leave. I am scared that it is going to nasty and any chance we have of getting back together would be ruined. I don't want to leave because H can't afford the house and I would stuck paying for my own place along with the house and couldn't afford that.

I don't really have enough proof (except for the roses receipt) for him to admit the affair is back on. I just know that it is.

[LL44]

OW in my situation ended things in August, and H pathetically stalked/pursued her til she gave back in in December. Gross. But it seems to be the norm when the OP ends it instead of the WAS.

I suppose you could look at it like this. Things are NOT working as is, living in the same house, him 'faulting' you for everything. Up until today, did you check on him?? No more of that. Why? You don't care where he is (or at least act like it, until it feels that way, and it will eventually). But anyway, things aren't working with you guys in the same house. He 'left' the marriage, so he should leave the house. No need to be very nasty about it, try a discussion about separating, telling him its not good to live together at this point, and see what he says. My H was always very rude saying "YOU leave then". He was past the anger stage by the time I told him I would legally get him out if he didn't move out.

HUGS!

[Starshyne]

I had the seperation discussion with him a week ago today. He had the same sob story about how he can't afford to live on his own and how he is trying to save money.

The strange thing is that he has been SUPER nice to me since that talk. He has done a ton of work around the house, bought me dinner last night, hugged me!!! My guess is that he is feeling guilty about the affair being back on. I don't know.

I thought about talking to him about an in house seperation. I am already sleeping out in my doll room (a small room connected to the garage). My thoughts are maybe to live totally seperate lives until he is finished with his classes and can move out on his own.

That is just one idea I came up with. The other thought is to go to a lawyer and get a legal seperation where the courts decide who has to leave. This might take some time and isn't what I want.

[LL44]

Why did YOU leave the bedroom?? Get back there young lady!! Ask him to leave the room.

My guess is that he is feeling guilty about the affair being back on. I don't know

This is probably the truth and mix in there, he probably knows he SHOULD move out, but can't.

[Starshyne]

I couldn't do it. I couldn't sleep in our bed alone with him in the house. I had a panic attack the night I tried and I just can't bring myself to sleep there alone. I actually like where I am sleeping right now.