Well, I thought I'd move on over to Surviving, as that's what I'm doing now. I have been separated now for six months and there are no signs of any reconciliation. I don't put emotional energy into thinking about that cuz I'm too busy trying to build a new life. I have consciously moved away from W and "family" time, which means me, W and kids, although it is very difficult to do. Yesterday the girls told me they were going to a park with mom to feed the chipmunks (D14 was not impressed "Dad, don't you think I'm a little old to be feeding the chipmunks?). My first thought was to phone W and ask if I could join them, it would be a fun outing together but then I decided not to. W needs to know what it feels like NOT to have me around. The summer is a time we used to do a great deal together, it was truly family time. This summer it won't be happening and it breaks my heart but everything is NOT the same now! She needs to go through the realization that Whatis is gone. She made her bed now she needs to lie in it and really feel what it is like. Our family was torn apart because SHE chose to shut me out of her life and start up with someone else. I stayed for five years trying over and over to no avail. This summer will be tough. I'm keeping busy and opening up spiritually. Weekly I attend a bible study, a prayer group, an aerobics class, and church sometimes twice on Sundays. I am making new friends and opening up a bit more. I've discovered the joys of small talk with strangers. I've always been personable but only in the "proper" circumstances whereas now I talk to everybody. When you're in survival mode it is so nice to feel that someone out there is actually happy to see you! The girl at the post office just lights up now when she sees me in the line up, greets me with a bright smile and says "see you again soon" when I leave. She doesn't do that with other customers. Why? Because I take the time to ask how she is, notice when she's sick and give her a big smile too. It's nice to think that maybe that little interaction brought a bit of joy to her day too. I notice this happens frequently now when people I've chatted with see me, big bright smiles. That's what surviving is all about, making healthy connections be they big or small. It's helping me to get through this. I'm trying to step outside my comfort zone and grow a little.
