Totally Lost after 23 years

[CBK]

Thanks Stella

Today is going to be a horrible day. After crying most of the morning, I decided that was enough and was going to church and gym. Told W I was leaving - got to church and was physically ill, went into church and just started to cry, so left and came home. W is still in her room with door shut. Me in my room with my laptop IMing my mom. Pretty pathetic for a 46 year old man.

I am sorry to hear about your sitc as well. You sound like you have a ton of patience. I am sure you were in my stage where everything seems hopeless. She has been my bestfriend for so long, just forgot how to treat my best friend. In my mind, again, MY mind not hers, if she would recommit, there was nothing unsurmountable that we couldn't get past. The OM we can get past even with time and energy. It is hard to believe that she is willing to throw it all away on some idiot.

I have so much anger inside of me today and am fearful that if W sees me, she will ask what is wrong, I don't know how to answer her - I may go off. I keep thinking I have no more tears, but man, they come from somewhere! Today, if I am not careful, will be a major backslide day - I am going to try and keep to myself, be strong where I can. I know she heard me crying this morning before I left and when I came back - that is the last thing I want her to hear. Home is where I feel the most comfort right now, I hate to be away... very dependent and early in my stages. I just keep thinking a month ago my W told me she wanted a S, then OM comes to light a week later and she wants me to move out of the house after the summer when the kids go back to college...

I still don't know what to tell the kids. They will notice that dad has lost a ton of weight, isn't eating or drinking much at all and is moping around all day. I need to get stonger for them and me...