Totally Lost after 23 years

[stella_k]

Sorry, CBK, I've made a mistake. Thought the dinner is today. I can never calculate the time difference correctly.

. I almost asked her if she could come into our room and just sleep with me so I could hold her and tell her let's not talk about R, but let's just talk - I knew better than this, so I didn't.

I don't see much of a backslide here. You ALMOST started the R talk but you didn't and that's what counts. I think you are very strong and doing great so far. When H was here I was backsliding all the time. It is really tough with estranged S in the house.
So sorry that you're going through all of that.

I know I am going to be tempted to talk today. I want to tell her if the OM loves her so much, why isn't he doing anything to get out of his sitc? Why won't he go to counseling with his W to see if they should be working things out? Honestly, Stella, that is why (but won't) I want to tell OMW about the A, let them start the healing process so we can. However, right now, my W doesn't want to start any healing process with me.

Oh, CBK, I know! I wanted so badly to break my M completely so that I could start healing and fixing what's broken. But in my heart I knew that if I'd expose his A he would never trust me again. I hate it so when friends ask about H and I have to think of something to say. I gave him deadline until May and I thought a year and a half would be more than enough for him to figure it all out.
Now we're nearly there and H is still in the fog. He is in MLC and MLCers are not to be rushed. It takes as long as it takes and I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that it may take another few months or even a year.
Uncertainty is killing me but it seems to be the only way. I've read somewhere on the board that one has to live his/her life as if WAS will never come back.

It gets better. It still hurts awfully but it's not as painful as it was at the beginning.

Hang in there, ((CBK))!

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