Drowning after 23 years!

[CBK]

Thanks Puppy - your points are well taken. I just walked out of church this morning as I feel like a hypocrite sitting in there with all this going on. I am ready to have a full blown argument with W right now and lay it all on the table. Right now, I can only think she is being a cold hearted b!tch toward me and absolutely no sense she is working on us, which I know she isn't. I want to lay it on the line that she, under no uncertain terms, should be ocntacting or seeing the OM. This guy has been leading her on for awhile with the "I am not happy in my M either" and "I will leave my wife" - I think that has been going of for months. I do know that WW said she has come to terms that she can live without me, and after she moves out, she will have to see if OM is available, that is her dream. Total BS and addiction.

Right now I am so upset I can't even see straight, so I locked myself in my room so I can think all of this out. My W heard me come back early this morning - I was supposed to go to church and gym - so when she heard me, she shut her door.

I just want to scream.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

CBK,

Have you flat-out ASKED your wife to end all contact with the other man, and come back and work on your marriage with you?

You cannot possibly work on your marriage when one partner has unilaterally decided to involved a third person in it.

Puppy

[CBK]

Yes, I have asked and she has told me that she is not making her decisions based on whether to be with him or me. Right now, she feels best when she is alone and wants to know that she can make it on her own. Although she has called him and he is serving as some EA, he cannot commit anymore than he has with his family and W I think is figuring that out.

With that being said, right now, she is not committed to working on our relationship either. She is trying to be okay with herself first. I figure I have about 4 months to give her the space she needs with in our home (even with me and the kids in the house), and DB and make her want to come back to me because that is what she wanted to do, and if I am available, I will be here with open arms because that will be my choice.

Now I just have to get my plan in gear, whatever that may be.

[Hope4us]

CBK, she's going to say that. She had to convince herself that her affair has nothing to do with your problems to make herself feel better about what she's done/doing. She has spent the last year rewriting all your marriage so she can justify the affair. It took her a year to do, she's not going to just say, "oh, my bad, I guess I was making all that up".

She's convinced herself right now that you are the problem. She has convinced herself that OM has nothing to do with it. YOU know it's B.S., but it's reality to her. She has to have no contact with OM for a period of time before she'll begin to see clearly.

Let me share a story. One of my best friends had an affair on her husband a number of years ago. Both her and hubby have been friends of mine since 8th grade. She ended the affair and they are happier than ever. She told me that for the first month or so after the affair ended she was angry. Angry with herself, with her OM with everyone, but guess who caught it? Yep, hubby. She had convinced herself that OM was the one and had this fantasy that they would live happily ever after. But after a month of NC she began looking at her Hubby differently. She started noticing that he wasn't as bad as she'd made him out to be. She said it took her another month after that before her ego would let her admit to H that she f'd up.

I guess the gist of the story is, that while in contact with OM, Waywards will make up all kinds of crap in their mind to justify it. Until there is no contact you'll never get past that. You just need to break up the affair and really work on the things that your WW has said bother her about you. They may be inflated, but there's probably some bit of truth in them. Work on making those changes. Don't tell her you're working on them. She won't believe you anyway. Just show her. And after this affair has ended, and given some time, she'll probably defog and realize what a mistake it was. Heck, right now she probably hates you just because you're the one getting in the way of "her happiness". Just blow it off. It means nothing, RIGHT NOW.

One other thing and then I'll stop. She will need time to figure this all out. It was described to me that waywards have so many emotions going on after it ends that they can't process it all at once. That's why the mood swings. Good one minute, bad the next. It's a struggle between your WIFE and your wayward wife. As no contact stays in place your WIFE will win more and more until the wayward just isn't there anymore.

I guess I should listen to my own advise. I'm getting that NC anger from WW (I think it's from NC). If you get to that point, beware, it's hell.

Hope this helps.

[CBK]

Thanks H4U

I do know she has re-written history of our marriage and that a lot of what she is saying crap. We had a conversation this morning and that is where a lot of that post came from. I know she believes this guy is still there, he is an emotional crutch and she is still in her "drug" stage. I am going to abide by my no snoop week, then see where we are. She twists her words around to make sure she is right - for instance. She had an event after work until 8 PM - she got home about 9 PM. Today I said I know you saw OM after the even, she said not after - well, then I said DURING, regardless, you saw him and talked to him and I don't appreciate it, but those are your actions and you need to know that I don't appreciate it.

She keeps this up, I will have no choice but to snoop and find the other person. I am going to fight for the R to workout, but doing many things for me along the way.

I know she is in the fog right now and I hope her IC helps her - not sure if he will or not as my wife is pretty dead set on being along right now - the funny part is she wants to be alone in OUR house! I don't think so. We will cross that bridge when and if needed.

[Hope4us]

Being alone in your house could be perfect. If she ends it with OM and there is NC, but she's still in the house you can GAL, show her what she's going to be missing, etc. Meet any of the emotional needs she has even if she won't acknowledge it RIGHT NOW.

Mow the yard. Do some laundry. Do dishes. Make dinner and ask her if she wants to join you. She says "no", you say, "ok, and enjoy dinner without her. Go out, even if by yourself. Let her sit at home by HERSELF, wallowing in self pity. She will notice even if she's doesn't give you the credit for it.

[CBK]

Good news is I do a lot around the house - since we are empty nesters, not a lot to do! :-) The only thing I don't do is get out when I am in town. The one thing you probably don't know is that I travel a lot, and W has a lot of time by herself. Right now, she has really come to a place where being alone is a good option for her - I just need to convince her that being together is a better one.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

CBK,

How do you and your wife normally split the chores around the house and yard?

Puppy

[imLIN]

CBK

I have read most all of your posts...and I am sorry that you are going through this...being a woman I can't totally relate to all the emotions you are having...but I do know how the "snooping" can get overwhelming at times...

My H moved out before I found about his A...I did confront OW...H says he convinced her to leave her H (who supposedly was abusive)...She denied the A...H denied the A...I went through the cell phone bill and found two numbers in her state...one was hers the other was a mystery...so I call it...turned out to be her B/F...I talked to her best friends H for quite a while...he was pissed and said he was W would be furious because OW had them pick up my H at the airport for her...she didn't tell them he was married!!!...so she got exposed to her best friend...

Pretty much H told me after I called and talked to OW that things began to change...he couldn't exactly say that I didn't care what he was doing anymore as I shared my deepest emotions with her...before I found out she had slept with him!

IT was a hard time...we were seperated for nearly 2 years...we have now been back together for 2 years...he has been able to profess his love to me again...and we get a long well

Patience is your best ally....Time is your best friend...keep the focus on you and the kids...be there for them...GAL...keep moving forward...it is hard...but it is do-able...

Lin

[CBK]

We both clean up the house, vacuum, pick up, clean dishes, cook about evenly. We have a housekeeper that comes in every-other-week to really clean the house. We both do garbage and I try and help with laundry but really only do the whites and she does the rest (upon request). She does the plants and flowers, I am in charge of the grass and "heavy" chores. I am very handy coming from a contractor's son... She pays all the bills, I do balance the checkbook. I tried to do the bills, but she is home more and is much better at it. What she complained about was raising the kids, she was there much more than I because of my job. She did say she was getting all the sh!t jobs, that had to do with calling insurance, doctors, etc. So I took that on as needed and made a lot of calls from work. Kept even asking if there were calls I could make as my schedule was much more flexible than hers.