RTL my man - I think your response was excellent and very polite sounding.
Her thought is if you dont respond to her ridiculous claims then she thinks it implies your are guilty of what she accuses. Just let her rant with the accusations. You dont have to prove anything to her, which I am sure you are aware of by not taking her bait.
I'll lead off w/ the negative, then switch to the positive. First I got W's arguments in the mail yesterday and I have to say I was very upset w/ what I read. Her entire case against me is either blatant lies or serious distortions of the truth. So, as I looked at the "case" she's been building against me it ticked me off as well as made me very sad. Now, I think I'll need to go through her arguments one-by-one and put my defense in place. There are some things I don't have any intentiion of denying b/c they are the truth and I've not only been open w/ W about them, but w/ my T and the parenting evaluator as well. So, I have more emotionally draining work to do beginning tonight, so I'm not looking forward to that.
However, the day was good yesterday. First off, the movers came early and W called to ask if that was ok. I said fine, had them come and get W's requested things and they left. I then was at work putting things back in place and was also in the attic looking for stuff when W called asking if I'd like to see D sooner as she really wanted to see me. I told W I was dirty but basically threw on a hat and prepared to leave. I quickly packed my car w/ as many of the small breakable items as I could find to drop off w/ W.
I got D and we ended up goofing around as I was running a couple of errands, then we went home, got clean and prepared to go to the Prom. I am a junior advisor, so I was required to be there, so I was happy to take D as my date. I put on my suit and let D pick out a dress she wanted to wear and we went out to sushi, then to the Prom. D and I got our picture taken and danced, danced, danced. She had a great time and was laughing and smiling throughout.
We left around 9 and on the way home W sent a text asking how things went. I didn't reply b/c in her arguments against me she repeatedly claims I'm keeping D up past her bedtime. Thus, I wasn't going to give her ammunition. However, to answer her question, D and I had a wonderful time.
Today we're trying to figure out what we'd like to do today as D wants to do everything, but there is the time situation to consider.
I'll be seeing W again around 5 so I'll let you know if anything happens as well as how the day w/ D goes today.
I meant to address your questions a few days ago, but didn't get to it. You asked:
Quote:
How are you feeling about your W now then? Do you still love her? I was just wondering becuase she must surely be testing your love to the limits with the way she has been behaving, but I'm sure you still do.
I can't believe it, but I still do love her. I'm confident that my effectively pulling a 180 will cause her anger to subside as will the final parenting evaluator's decision on custody (which does seem like it is dragging on, and on, and on). I do still love her and would like to consider working on reconciliation, but I'm not sure she'll be able to come back from where she has gone. I just don't know. The things she has listed in her legal arugments are so mean, nasty, and untrue. She has painted me in a way that would require her to make a major, major admission on her part that I wasn't that person.
I'd love to find out if she has that type of strength of character, but I'm not sure she's confident enough in herself to take back and take accountability for what she's said and done.
Well, as D and I have been vegging out and watching SpongeBob, I went through W's arguments and have found over 50 items where there is either a lie or a gross misrepresentation of the truth. I have e-mails and texts to back up my side, but man this will again take more time and emotionally energy.
D and I went ice skating and then to the park. We had a lot of fun and we had a good day and a 1/2 together. D really loved Prom last night and had fun today as well.
W sent a text at 4:45 asking me to not take so long in saying goodbye to D as it really upsets her. I tried to accomodate today. We got to the drop-off, I unloaded some more of W's things and D showed her the necklace she made, our goofy photo booth pictures, and other stuff from the weekend. Then as I was hugging D goodbye and putting her in her seat, W said, "Tell Daddy you'll see him at your birthday."
I was shocked and my look to W definitely let her know it. I wsan't able to avoid reacting, so that is my bad. D then asked "when do I get to see you again, Daddy?" W answered, "Ask Daddy" in a tone that wasn't the nicest, but able to slip by a 5 year old.
I said, "I don't know. We'll see. I'll be calling you tonight." And they left. W is obviously pissed off at me, but she never did return my e-mail, so I didn't honestly know where the issue stood. I have the right to see my D and W knows it. If she is going to try and pin this one back on me for "bringing visitation up in front of D" like she has done in the past, I will point out that she brought up the subject, and not me. She could just have easily said, "Tell Daddy goodbye" w/ ZERO mention of when I'd see her next. However, she didn't. She choose to put that in to see how I'd react.
Now, we'll have to see how this plays out. Again, I will be brief in my responses to W, but I will point out, politely, that I'd like to see D during the week and it is unfortunate I can not do so.
So, now I'm going to make some dinner and begin to sort through my e-mails to rebut the charges W has thrown at me. I am still not going to attack W and try to point out anything I think is questionable on her behalf. I will not discuss my feelings of the affair or how she is controlling D. My focus is on showing I have done all I can to be involved w/ D's life. My emphasis is on showing I'm a good father.
If I do anything less, I can completely kiss any and all shots at DBing goodbye.
RTL, Again you and I are in similar situations. I read an article in Esquire about an advantage of being divorced. That is you are not afraid of commitment. In all actuality, you went all in but the cards wre not in your favor, for whatever reason that may be.
Women are going to wonder why you were divorced, there is no escaping that. The ones that dive into your business and do not believe you, you don't need to deal with. Move on... In my sitch, I have been upfront and willing to explain the reasons for divorce. You ahve nothing to lose in all of this, you can only gain a relationship...
Me=29 WAW=25 S=2 "I need a break" = 6/07 Filed = 12/07
NoDirection, I like what you and RMG say about future women questioning about why you got divorced. Honesty is the best policy.
RTL, that is got to be tough reading the lies. I too am like you and still hold love in my heart for my W even after all she has done.
I also took my D5 ice skating today. She seemed to skate next to the wall more than usual. I guess I need to start taking her more often. As for myself, I get better every time even though it has been a couple of months since the last time I took her.
ND - Thanks for the thoughts on dating other women. I don't think I'll have too much compassion for anyone who wants to doubt my story. I've been truthful and that is how I'll remain.
Kerry - The lies hurt. They really do. It is so obvious to me that she is doing this to justify her involvement w/ OM. I'm pretty sure they're talking about their long-term futures together. In fact, D said today, "This isn't our permanent house. We'll be using the movers again soon for another apartment." I wonder if that means w/ OM. I can only hope not.
I think the one that hurt the most was from my MIL who responded to something sent from W and saying how proud she was of her for leaving me. MIL also sent another e-mail about anger and control and said "I read this and is summed up everything you said about (me)." It really hurt to read those words from her as I didn't have a close relationship w/ my mother, but I really enjoyed her and she looked at me as a son. I think it depressed me as well to think, how in the world can W ever recover from this? Is it possible?
I'm not shutting my heart by any means, but I just don't know if W will ever stop pointing the finger at me. I wasn't perfect, but I wasn't who she said I was either.
I can't sleep b/c of this, so I've taken some Ambien and I can only hope it knocks me out soon. I'm pretty down, but tomorrow is a new day. Going through my e-mails to counter all those falsehoods and being alone tonight have been a tough combination. I wasn't very productive as I'm down. Tonight would be a good night for many beers.
Kerry - The lies hurt. They really do. It is so obvious to me that she is doing this to justify her involvement w/ OM. I'm pretty sure they're talking about their long-term futures together. In fact, D said today, "This isn't our permanent house. We'll be using the movers again soon for another apartment." I wonder if that means w/ OM. I can only hope not.
I think the one that hurt the most was from my MIL who responded to something sent from W and saying how proud she was of her for leaving me. MIL also sent another e-mail about anger and control and said "I read this and is summed up everything you said about (me)." It really hurt to read those words from her as I didn't have a close relationship w/ my mother, but I really enjoyed her and she looked at me as a son. I think it depressed me as well to think, how in the world can W ever recover from this? Is it possible?
RTL,
You bring up one very interesting topic. In my case, my "Christian" exWAW bailed after two "counseling" sessions... All she really said is she wanted out of M..... Then, she spewed numerous lies about me to her friends, coworkers and family...... Conveniently, she "met" a guy at work.....
All of this speaks VOLUMES about her character or rather lack of it..... Instead of at least being a somewhat mature adult and owning up to the truth, she had to drag me through the mud to make me look bad....... Her dumb a$$ "Christian" sister sent her flowers for her birthday with a card reading "I am proud you are my sister." I guess in her sister's Bible adultery and divorce are something acceptable.....
The really disappointing thing is the lack of insight these people have..... I would IMMEDIATELY suspect something if someone told me they were having problems in their M and shortly thereafter they "meet" someone....... I would HAVE to take them to task and ask if they were involved with this person earlier....
RMG
Last edited by RMG; 04/21/0803:19 PM.
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"
RTL, Again, another similarity comes to life. In my sitch, we both were very close to her side of the family. One reason was that she alienated my side of the family and for about two years, we did not speak. Once I filed, she would go ballistic if she knew that I was talking with her family.
The reason for this was that she could have control of what information they were given. They now do not even acknowledge I exist. Everytime they have been around the house, they won't even acknowledge that I am there. Which is fine because this has gone back far longer than I was ever in their lives and will continue to be a problem until something drastic changes.
My father told me something that has made a lot of sense during all this. My STBX never once went to counseling, saying that I was the one with problems and that she does not have issues. In order to fix anything you must first recognize that you have something that needs to be fixed. Also, there has to be a greiving period, you are in the midst of that. Your STBX, has not. She has gone back into a new relationship that will fill whatever void she had. In all likelihood, she will repeat the whole thing over again.
What you can do, is be the pillar for your child. Be strong and put her first. You can not control your X and what she says to her family and in all honesty, who cares. You know what you have done and what the truth is. They have set up a flawed structure that is only hurting them. If they can not see that she is involved with a new person so soon is something that is questionable, then what does that say about them. More so, what does that say about the OM.
Take care of yourself, you will go through some depression and there will be some scars from all of this. You need to be the father that your D deserves and learn from this so your next R can be even better... best of luck!
Me=29 WAW=25 S=2 "I need a break" = 6/07 Filed = 12/07
