Make no mistake, your wife will be livid. She will scream and wail and rend her garments and gnash her teeth. She will say -- with 99.9% certainty -- that "you just blew whatever chance we had," or "we DID have a chance, but now you've BLOWN it!" She will call you "controlling" and worse, and you'll have to be prepared for that.
It's also the right thing to do, in my (and many others') opinion.
This is not something you ask permission to do, in front of a MC with your wife present. This is something you DECIDE to do, and then you just DO it.
Think about your first sentence: your wife is afraid she would lose the kids if they ever found out . . . WHAT, exactly? The TRUTH?? What will your children think of YOU, if they find out years later that you were enabling your wife's dishonesty with them, and not allowing them to make up their own minds?
My own sitch is that after carrying on her affair for two months last summer, amidst aggressive attempts by me to get her to end it (confrontation, exposure, all the while GALing and the other things that MWD teaches), my wife refused, and I had to file for divorce. One month later, she ended it with OM, and came to me tearful and remorseful and begged me to take her back. I insisted she send a no-contact letter, quit her job (where OM worked), change her cellphone # (and get detailed billing on the new one, which comes to me). After two 3-month stays, I've since withdrawn the divorce action, and we're working to repair our marriage. She had one slip-up/recontact with OM, last September, but since then there has been no contact nor any repeat infidelity. We continue a system of transparency by which her cellphone bill (with detailed billing) comes to me, and we are open with each other about our daily schedules.
Wayward spouses are addicted -- addicted to the affair, and its resultant rush of brain chemicals. Until they end all contact with the OM/OW, you largely cannot reach them.
