Totally Lost after 23 years

[CBK]

Thanks Stella,

Well, we went out last night, just waking up now. What a horrible backslidding night!

I was very nervous about going - I am still in the trauma stage of all of this. I was pacing the house and finally told W I may need her support tonight, I was unraveling before we even got there. She asked what could she do and I said just be there for me. She said okay. Needless to say, I was not my charming self, I was very quiet and reserved, not like me. I was in one room with the guys, she was in another with the ladies - I could her here tell stories, etc. - it was starting to hit me that if I don't do something, this M is over and this could be the last time we are together like this. We sat next to each other at dinner and I tried to engage in conversation, did an okay job with that. Later, we played games. I had to excuxe myself twice to the restroom so I could cry. W knew when I would ocme back. During the games, I would start to get an anxiety attack, I would grab W's arm just to hold on to it, didn't think I could make it. I had good times and bad last night.

So when we got home, I was still a mess and asked W how she was doing, she said fine. I said I don't know how she could be so strong and not let that affect her - she said sorry and went to bed after saying goodnight. I cried myself to sleep. I almost asked her if she could come into our room and just sleep with me so I could hold her and tell her let's not talk about R, but let's just talk - I knew better than this, so I didn't.

This was a major backslide, I know. I was pumping myself up all day to make sure I was strong enough to get through this. Meanwhile, alls I could do is picture me not being in that scene and the OM sitting in for me with all of our friends.

I so want to talk to her today about R and OM, but I know I shouldn't. I will go to church and gym - that gets me to noon...

I know I am going to be tempted to talk today. I want to tell her if the OM loves her so much, why isn't he doing anything to get out of his sitc? Why won't he go to counseling with his W to see if they should be working things out? Honestly, Stella, that is why (but won't) I want to tell OMW about the A, let them start the healing process so we can. However, right now, my W doesn't want to start any healing process with me. She has said she is okay with me not being there any longer. I know, many success stories, but I have been slipping into the abyss.

I have a meeting with a DB coach on Wednesday which I am looking forward to - plus I have to travel on Monday and Tuesday... just need to get through today.