I just want to make it better. . .

[seekpeaceofmind]

Sobbed myself to sleep last night and woke up crying again this morning. I felt like calling him to beg him to come back to me. Instead, I came here. I don't know why this grief hangs on with me - it seems like I would have progressed emotionally by now. BF says from the outside it looks like my sitch is slow torture. Torture is a strong word, but it has been a drawn out thing. If I didn't want to fight for our M it would be over by now. We've been physically separated longer than the law requires for D and we've been emotionally separated longer yet. I still want to keep our M, but I'm losing strength to DB. It's so hard on me - it would be hard to D, but would it at least allow me to disconnect? I don't know. I have thought that the hurt the same either way, but that D would worse b/c I would still prefer M over D.

I worry sometimes that my reactions are more about abandonment than love and commitment. I often think of the things that I love about H and I started a list. I sometimes then think of the flip side - what has he done to contribute to the breakdown of our M. Maybe it's time for me to focus more on the problems than the love. Maybe that's what I need to detach. My reaction to the problems has always been that they are fixable. But, it takes two and he is just not interested in meeting me halfway. I don't know why he is passive or what he is running from - other than himself. I believe that he is interested in control and if he can't or shouldn't control directly, then he will do so indirectly. I think he can't deal with strong emotion - he shuts it out. He is in law enforcement and he says that how he deals with the many bad things he sees is to compartmentalize it - he has disciplined himself to just push them away and not think about them. I think he has gotten too efficient at dealing with emotions in this way.

I really do try to focus on the positive aspects of this life change - I am trying to use this as a time to grow and figure out what direction I want to set for my life. But I am just not quite able to embrace my freedom with a joyful heart.

Jbly - I can't remember how long you have been D, but it probably makes sense for both you and GF to give yourselves more time before exploring a deeper relationship. I think it really is true that you need to be ok with yourself again before you can be a partner to somebody else and you just need time between relationships to get grounded. I'm a case in point - my H was only recently separated when he and I connected. I really wish now that he had taken time to deal with himself before I got involved.