For the guys with kids and a WAW

[hopeful4her]

I desperatly want advice and want to hear what others think. I really have no one to talk to. I don't tell my family. They know she wants out, but not why. I feel like I could implode. My one friend that I know that I can talk to and who usually gives me good advice is out of town. My anger is turning back into sadness.

[CBK]

Hope,

I am in a similar sitc - kids are older. I am not one to give advice as I am doing the same things you are. Doesn't matter how wrong we thinkg we are about snooping and caring, it just comes.

I have a few great posts on my string "totally lost after 23 years" you may want to check out.

One poster said, even though I realize this is going to be a long road, have I really accepted that? I don't think I have. Also, like you, I have nobody really to talk to, grab a beer and just vent because my W and I agreed nobody will know about her A.

Wish I could give you some hints, but I read so many posts and I still am an emotional wreck half the time.

I will be thinking of you.

[JeffSTL]

MY POST

Hey Roger, you know my post its Jeff from St.Louis, same situation you are in, kids, WAW - wife hasn't left yet and I just like you love her so much, I just want this nightmare to end.

At some point we have to call it quits, I'm not advocating D but I'm not advocating, letting them walk all over us and the kids. At some point you and I are going to say that's enough. I'm not going to be treated this way.

Snooping doesn't help, its made things worse for me, finding things that throw me into a tailspin, when I should be happy and working on myself.

I don't know what you should do, We are all here, we are all in the same boat, we all do love our wives, we are all being treated like sh_t and at some point, we are all going to make a stand, and let the chips fall where they fall

You posted a song lyrics somewhere, I checked out the band - sorry it wasn't my type of music, try this


Brandi Carlile
Turpentine Lyrics

I watch you grow away from me in photographs
And memories like spies
And salt betrays my eyes again
I started losing sleep and gaining weight
And wishing I was was ten again
So I could be your friend again

These days we go to waste like wine
That's turned to turpentine
It's six AM and I'm all messed up
I didn't maen to waste your time
So I'll fall back in line
But I'm warning you we're growing up

I heard you found some pretty words to say
You found your little game to play
and there's no one allowed in
Then just when we believe we could be great
Reality it permeates
And conquers from within again

These days we go to waste like wine
That's turned to turpentine
It's six AM and I'm all messed up
I didn't maen to waste your time
So I'll fall back in line
But I'm warning you we're growing up

We're OK I know we're OK
These days we go to waste like wine
That's turned to turpentine
It's six AM and I'm all messed up
I didn't mean to waste your time
So I'll fall back in line
But I'm warning you we're growing up

Trying to stay happy as my heart gets ripped out. Looking for love and affection (getting little or none). Waiting for the big earthquake to hit while I fight off the blues.

M45
W41
M10 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
2 Dogs and 1 Cat
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
PA confirmed 03/08 and still going ???

[hopeful4her]

I like the lyrics.
Jeff and CBK, I appreciate the words. I hate the emotional side of me. It's good to vent on here. I know a lot of people are looking, just not replying.

Talked to my Dad a bit today. My parents still don't know about the affair. They know she wants out and are confused. Maybe they suspect something, but don't say anything. I called WW on the home to let her know I was on my way. She said she just got home with D6 from the grocery store. She told me she bought some kites and some toiletries for the kids. I asked her what the plan was for today. I was meaning if we were going to do any family stuff. She told me she was going to go out with some girls from work. She was going to meet them at the office, because they were working today, then follow one of the girls to her house to park her car as it was close to where they were going tonite. It is Fiesta time in San Antonio and it is time for the Oyster Bake. Love it. We usually go together every year. Not this year. Hate it. She says she got the kids some pizzas and movies and S14 will babysit tonight. I get home, she is dyeing her hair. She just got some crazy hightlights just over a month ago. Thats my WW. She went darker. House has been cleaned spotless and a roast for lunch. Usually the case when she knows she is going out. She asks me if I had eaten and tell me about the lunch she made. I ask if she had eaten and she said no. Later I hear her talking to a coworker about later. I guess she is going out with the girls after all. She is assuming that I am going out as well, but I don't think I am. Don't want to leave the kids home alone at night. Later she gets ready and leaves. She spoke to me more today than I thought she was. I looked at the videos she rented and one of them was "3:16, A Movie of Hope", the movie by Max Lucado, a local Christian Pastor, minister and book writer. I asked D6 who rented that movie. She says," Mommy rented it. I think it is for ya'll to watch." As usual, call me confused.

[JeffSTL]

Not much time Roger, have to put the kids in bath I get the same thing, confusion, I also see the hair dyeing and she cleans house spotless and does dinner when she is leaving - I read somewhere this is how they were taught to show love

I guess it could be guilt. They feel better, I did all this work H doesn't have to do anything, I deserve to go out.

I don't know I see the same thing, Its really strange all the same stuff the girls do and say, you could interchange them and get the same story.

Don't know talk soon

Trying to stay happy as my heart gets ripped out. Looking for love and affection (getting little or none). Waiting for the big earthquake to hit while I fight off the blues.

M45
W41
M10 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
2 Dogs and 1 Cat
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
PA confirmed 03/08 and still going ???

[hopeful4her]

After I spent some time on the board, took my S14, D11 and D6 to a local church's parking lot for them to rollerblade. We played basketball, soccer and swung on swings. Had a blast. WW is out partying. Her loss. Prayed on the way to the church to give me strength and to show me if I should expose to S14. We did end up talking. He was being kind of meloncholy, so I asked if he was alright. He was thinking about when he was a kid, and no stress. When he was a kid. Dude, your only 14. Just wait, I told him. I told him I was sorry about what was going on. I told him that his mother and I have different views on marriage. I got married forever. Like my parents. Grandpa and grandma fight and sometimes they don't get along, but the love each other. WW never had that growing up. I also told him that I wanted him to learn from our sitch. I couldn't bring myself to expose. I wanted to, but couldn't. I tell him how much I love his mother and that we are like the irresistable force and the immovable object. We laugh and I tell him again that I pray that we can still make it through this. He says he wants happy times again and I yell out " We are gonna find happy times again, right?!" to them all. They all shout "YEAH!!"
On the way home, WW calls. She called home, but line busy because of internet. D14 phone doesn't ring. I tell her we are together and on the way home. "Ya'll went to the park?" Yup. "Oh." She gives me her girlfriends number just in case her phone doesn't work right. She starts to tell me of a friend and his wife she saw at the fiesta. He was already drunk. She sounds a little buzzed already, herself. I say "oh, thats normal for him." She agrees and tells me "OK, well, I'll talk to you later."
Girls are bathed and now movie time. Time to make the popcorn. Loving detachment. Loving detachment. Keep on loving detachment. No snooping. Still gonna set an appointment for an attorney. Need to protect myself and the kids. Can I do loving detachment? What do ya'll think? I am here and there and everywhere.

[JeffSTL]

Sounds like you are doig a great job of detaching while still loving your wife.

Don't snoop, all it does is upset you and it doesn't accomplish anything, If the W wants to do something, she is going to do it.

Yes protect yourself, before you go to the lawyer, make sure you write down a list of questions you have, I told my W that I could care less about a D, if she wants out she is going to have to get an anulment (catholic divorce) first and then we can talk about legal D.

Trying to stay happy as my heart gets ripped out. Looking for love and affection (getting little or none). Waiting for the big earthquake to hit while I fight off the blues.

M45
W41
M10 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
2 Dogs and 1 Cat
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
PA confirmed 03/08 and still going ???

[hopeful4her]

I cannot see myself initiating anything. I have told her over and over, that I cannot divorce her, but some days. Damn. I just want her the hell out of the house. Don't know how good of a job I'm doing at the loving detachment, but we'll see.
WW called around midnight to tell me she was on her way home. I thanked God because I had prayed that she would call. Our norm, so that I can know she is alright. We live on the outskirts of San Antonio in the Hill Country, so its a long drive. I sort of didn't expect that she would call, but sometimes prayers get answered. She told me about where she was, she was ok. I told her she sounded a little buzzed, and did she have a good time? She said she had a couple of beers and 3 Smirnoffs. Ok, be safe, I tell her. She gets home at the time I calculated that she should arrive (within 3 minutes. am I good or what?), I am with the older kids, who are still awake, and hanging out in S14 room. Everyone is tired, we start for bed. I ask her how many people in her group of friends went and she said that there were 3 girls, altogether. I said that I just thought that a bunch of ya'll were going. She sounded like she didn't want me to ask, so I dropped it. She gathered her night gown and went to the bathroom. D11 comes and asks if she could sleep with me. I have been thinking of asking WW to come back to bed, but don't know how to ask. I whisper to D11 to ask Momma to sleep here too, if she wants. WW comes out and D asks her, she says ok and heads to her side. I tell D not to be a bed hog, turn out the lights and head for my side. Not a bad ending to the day. We'll see how church goes today. Last night, D11 was whining about going to church today. "Lets watch church TV for an hour and skip church." Theres been a couple of times we missed church, so we watch Jesse Duplantis and then Joel Osteen. Gonna go to church.

[hopeful4her]

Never made it to church. I got everyone up, started on breadfast, and WW says she was going to let the kids skip church today as we all went to bed late. I then started to get ready to go by myself, but then I started watching Joel Osteen with WW and got caught up in his message. Talked about how things happen to us. In all circumstances, things actually aren't happening to us, they are happening for us. To make us stronger. To see us to another day. We both laid on our bed and I told her that I don't think I could beat todays message.
We got started on our day. Putting away laundry, cleaning house. I told WW that I had planned on going to Home Depot to buy materials to mend cedar fence. She said she wanted to also go to look at kennels for our 7 one month old puppies. Don't think I mentioned that before. I said cool. She said that she wanted to go and clean up her car, I said me too and and that we'll go afterwards. She cleaned hers, I cleaned mine. I did a little detailing on the inside of hers and mine. We got lunch situated and then we all left to go to the store.
At Home Depot, we ended up looking all around. Plants, flowers, lighting for outside of the house. Then we started looking at new cushions for the outside furiture. Got some prices. We commented at the ones we liked. She wanted a leaf blower. She said she would pay for it. At checkout, her card got declined. She had opened an account at the credit union she works for back in Feb. She never told me, but I know she is having $100 from each check deposited. I guess she didn't have the money so she put in on our joint account. I don't she know yet that I am now having my whole check sent to a different account now. Might be interesting when she finds out. We leave and she offers me some of a candy bar that she bought. She kept waiving it in my face and asking if I wanted some. I said no. She says, "Why, because I was buying them for everyone?" I said no, I'm just trying to stay away from candy. She asked one more time, so I grabbed it, took a chunk and gave it back. "That's what I thought" she laughed. At the Wallymart, again we are checking out the cushions. We decide the ones we like and I was going to say something about trying to keep them from the elements when we are not using them. I say," I like them, but...." and she says "But who is going to keep them?" She said it joking, with a smile. Again she says " Who's gonna get the patio furniture, you or me?" I smile like I can't believe she is joking like this, and I say "That stuff is both of ours" and I walk off, smiling. Strange. We decide on dinner, get home, watch a family movie together, get kids bathed and into bed. Again, a normal enjoyable family day for Sunday. Later, I ask her if she wants to watch the Max Lucado movie. She says yes, but falls asleep watching. As I have mentioned before, normal for her. Movie finishes, she goes to bathroom. I was hoping she would just fall asleep on the bed and I would just leave her. I am debating and debating in my head if I should ask her to stay. She comes out, and starts to leave and tells me goodnight. I call her and ask her if she would consider coming back to bed. She asks why? I say "Just." Again, she asks why. I say,"To sleep". She then says that she doesn't want to give me the wrong idea. I say "You don't" Really long pause. Uncomfortably long. It is dark in the room, but I can she her outline in the doorway. Finally, I say flippantly "Its up to you. I just wanted to offer." She tells me ok, and climbs into bed. I tell her goodnight, she tells me goodnight, and go sleep. I really don't sleep that well, because I'm excited. I can feel her feet touching mine. Not on purpose, of course, but still I feel good.
This morning, WW was in a really good mood. Normal morning routine. I have to gather kids into car and chase down the school bus, because it just passes the house. WW is lauging. I get back and bed is made and she is getting ready. After we both get ready, and some small talk I tell her to have a good day. She tells me to have a good one and I leave.
She is driving me nuts and part of it is my fault. I probably should not have asked her to sleep in the bed again, but it just came out. But she agreed. She knows she loves me. She is just addicted. As I think I have mentioned before, she has told me that even OM has told her that she will probably come back to me. I know she will. In our second to last blow up, she mentioned that we might get back together, just not right now.
I pray that it will be before it is too late.

This why I can be so all over the place.

[JeffSTL]

Sounds like you had a nice weekend I know the nuts thing
One minute, things are going great the next, she makes some kind of off the wall comment about leaving.

Trying to stay happy as my heart gets ripped out. Looking for love and affection (getting little or none)

M45
W41
M10 years
D9, D6, D6, S5
2 Dogs and 1 Cat
OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me
PA confirmed 03/08 and still going ???