this maryangela -thread 3 -- he's gone

[25yearsmlc]

MA,

I don't know what state you are in, but you need to see a lawyer asap. Sorry since I haven't read your other posts I may be repeating what others said.

Here's the thing. Knowlege is power and seeing a lawyer, having options laid out for you, will make you feel so much better b/c you will KNOW you will make it and HOW. You'll be able to plan. Being a stay at home mom puts you at one advantage, which is that the h's income will go first to child support and alimony if your state grants it.In other words, the court won't hold you to a high level of income that you've never made. Make sense? Judges want the kids lives to stay as similar to what they were as possible. Stability and lots of it.

See the L, get the facts, and your fears will be greatly lowered. I'm telling you that nothing is more empowering than knowing you won't be on the street on welfare, even if your h stays away. You CAN make it without him. The L will show you how, or send you to financial people who show you how to budget on what you'll have and eventually be likely to make. Seeing a L does NOT mean the M is over. It just means you're getting info.

Beats walking around in an anxiety track around your house in circles. Plus, the L can suggest resources for you and your children that help in other ways. Including if your h is stashing away money, which most men do when they're having A's. Sorry, but as a Lawyer myself, I doubt I've EVER seen a man leave without planning ahead financially. You have some catching up to do, all at the same time that you're so hurt. But actually, that catching up can keep you occupied with something other than OW, etc. Use Stop Signs when it comes to picturing them together and remember too, that familiarity is not all bad. She won't "out do" you in every category in the world. It's impossible. Seriously, and she won't know the family or personal secrets or history or inside jokes and memory songs, etc. He'll think of you more than you realize.

When you do have contact with him, be upbeat, Stay calm, NEVER show him anger. It IS so hard but the thing my DB coach said big time was to "Listen like a lover" meaning don't argue and DO praise what you can. In fact, her words were:' APPLAUD LOUDLY FOR THE 1% GOOD THINGS THEY DO OR SAY AND STAY SILENT ON THE REST" and this is so very hard to do. But it gets noticed fast. DB coaches are the single most effective for ME, b/c I took notes, I prayed with mine, and she kept me on track. I also had other good support and took some sleeping pills when I needed to. DB coaching actually costs less than most private mc's in my area so I bought packages of 3. Just saying my experience was very positive and you can always just buy one. She told me that when I saw H I had to counter whatever negative images he was using to justify leaving, with POSITIVES of home. Warmth, care, fun times, Laughter, pride in the children, etc. and some more laughing...

HE'll wonder wth is going on? You'll simply "Be a woman only a fool would leave."

I'll write more later on her DB plan for me. It helped to have an action plan. Little goals at first, like not "losing it" in front of H. Staying calm in phone conversations, avoiding conflict. Enjoying YOUR time with the children and when you're alone, do one of two things 1) Get out of the house to do you GAL and or 2) do something you like to do, that you would not do with the kids in the house. Painting a room, taking a long bubble bath reading a book, having a friend over and watching chick flicks (Under the Tuscan SUn) got me through a whole first summer. The next summer, I TOOK MY 3 KIDS THERE and that was the best money I ever spent.

Seriously NO REGRETS about that. Screw the costs. It gave our family unity and fun without their dad in their face or calling them and nothing to remind us of him. I told the B & B the truth and no one mentioned their dad and they didn't either, except for little things that he might have liked. Not much. We laughed so much. I'm rambling. Just that trip meant A LOT to me. Still does. Like a victory, you know? You will have some MA, stay positive and keep on keeping on. You are in the right place for a sad reason. But you won't stay sad forever.
(( j ))