I'm Finally Ready to "Drop the Rope"

[fooled again]

BFM,

I've been reading your posts for the better part of the past couple of days, and I've made it to FW's birthday. First off all, I have to tell you that I think you're crazy - but crazy in a wonderful, strong, loving sense that 99% of people could never understand. What you went through was pretty much indescribable and I doubt there are many people here or out there who could do what you were able to do. I may just be able to do it, but I'm not sure. I do see that right now I am "living my life as though he is never coming back" (your words), and doing so has made such a huge difference in my state of mind.

...they feel like it is more honorable to divorce the innocent spouse so they can go on and find someone "worthy" of them...

This may be so, b/c of the guilt they feel, b/c of the depression, but I also believe that the MLCer (or at least my MLCer) is overwhelmed and terrified by the thought of what it would take to be able to come home and rebuild the M. I'm torn b/w trying to help him see that we can do this together, and just letting him continue to work out in his own mind if he can do it. I know he doubts himself, his strength - and what's more is he is projecting those feelings onto me, so it comes out as "You, FA, you can't do this. I have hurt you too much, done too much damage. You need to find someone you can love & trust w/out being afraid of being hurt again." This is the signal to me that he is still not ready, that he is afraid, that he doesn't believe in himself, that he is still in the tunnel.

He asked me to come to his place tonite, and I said yes. I don't know what to expect, except that he wants to ML to me, so I will expect only that. I too have been able to do that pretty much all along. It has been something that has kept our connection w/ each other and may have been the one thing all along that made H realize that we share an unbreakable bond. I will continue to watch and listen and encourage, as you suggest. I have stopped trying to control him - and that in itself scares him b/c he doesn't understand that kind of behavior from me. He doesn't understand how I am, he still believes that I cry myself to sleep at night, that I anguish over what he does when he is not w/ me, that I obsess over his every move. But I think he is just now starting to realize that he has been wrong about those things. He is confused by my sense of peace and calm, by the fact that I no longer pour out my feelings to him, or ask anything from him. I think he is beginning to realize that I will survive without him.

Your words give me strength, both those from last fall/winter, and those from today. Thank you and I wish you the best.

FA