I just want to make it better. . .

[seekpeaceofmind]

So, H ended up being here while I was out. He came in the morning when past experience made me think he would be here around noon or 1:00. The first clue I had was that some snow was moved, but his mail was still here, so I called and asked him if he had been here. He said yes and that he had brought some stuff back with him. He said a couple of times that he assumed that I had chosen to be away while he was here. I said - do you think that I don't want to see you? He didn't respond directly. So, no encounter - awkward or otherwise. I was anxious at the thought of it and really felt that I shouldn't be around him if I couldn't be calm and relaxed. At the same time, I really wanted a chance to be in his company and have it go well. So, the anxiety of "performing" today was gone, but the deeper sadness of a broken down marriage was very much with me today. I worked a lot on my thinking today, but honestly I wasn't thinking, I was just feeling. I think that starting the process of moving him out - instead of just thinking about it - just feels like another step toward D. I don't have any reason at all to hope for another outcome.