MLC is CRAZY!!! What a Roller Coaster!!!

[tpaschal]

tpaschal, have you been doing this whole divorce thing for almost a year now? My heart goes out to you. Is your divorce final? Have you been able to drag it out? If so, how? I need lessons? Did you file or him? Are you still hopeful? Has he ever came back or turned around?

2ndNoah,

Sorry I'm just seeing this today! My H dropped the IDLYA bomb on our 17th wedding anniversary (20 years together), 2 days before Christmas 2006. I found out about the OW the next day, he moved out in February of 2007, the OW moved in with him in May 2007, and H served me with D papers in June 2007. He then did NOTHING further regarding the divorce, but when he started threatening in August 2007 that he would no longer pay the bills, I felt forced to counterfile so that I could protect myself and the kids financially, at least a little.

What H never knew was how LONG this process can take. In my state, you've got to go to mediation before any court hearing, so that means you've got to find a mediator both L's agree on, try to get an appt., then if someone gets sick or has a schedule conflict it has to be REscheduled, etc., etc., etc. So, yes, it's already been more than a year since H moved out, and it will soon be a year from the time he filed.

The only way I've "dragged it out" is by not taking the initiative on anything. When I first went to see a L, he of course wanted me to file immediately and crucify my H. I said no, that I only wanted to respond to moves by my H. In other words, if H wants the divorce, he'll have to do the work for it. I can't refuse to respond, because then the judge would eventually grant a D by default anyway, but I'm certainly not going to push forward. If H wants it, he'll have to push it.

I know that H was still conflicted about what he wanted, even months after he filed, but he's never made any moves toward coming home. Plus, I know the OW is pushing, pushing, pushing for the D. Anytime H lets things stall for too long, she's back in the driver's seat pushing it forward again.

I also think that even though my H has seen that life with the OW is not going to be the happy fantasy life he thought it would be, maybe he thinks that the reason his life isn't perfect yet is because the divorce isn't final. It's like H and the OW still have a common enemy, ME---the evil wife, that they can "bond" over. Right now he can still blame his unhappiness on me. I've heard that many times they MLCer's can't see what they've lost until it's really gone. Maybe it's because they get what they think they want---a divorce and you out of their life---and then they realize that they STILL aren't happy.

That's also part of the reasoning for the concept of "going dark." If you aren't in contact with them anymore---no more pressuring them to do things or talk about things they don't want to think about---and they are still miserable, they sometimes see that it must be something other than you causing their misery.

I'm afraid my H may be one of the hard-headed cases. And with realizing that, I've realized that I can't sit around and wait on him to figure it out. It's like what I said in my last post to you. He may NEVER figure it out. That would be terribly sad, but there's NOTHING I CAN DO to force it.

I've got to figure out how to move forward with my life for my kids' sake and my own sake. I'm not sure how to do that yet, but just realizing that I HAVE to is a big step for me. I can't live my life as though I'm waiting for my H to come home. I can still pray for that to happen, I can still have hope that will happen, but I can't sit and wait for it.

I am just amazed that I have spent my entire life with my hubby and after 31 years together, he just walks out and has never turned back. I guess that is the hardest thing for me to understand. There was no warning, no nothing. I kissed him good-bye, said I will see you this evening, I have a surprise for you when you get home, and he replied...don't bother, I'm not coming home. I thought he was talking in his sleep and what a weird thing for him to say!!! Little did I know. It just truly amazes me how he could do that and after 7 months has never looked back, changed his mind, wanted to get together and talk, NOTHING! Why???

I didn't have any warning, either, so I know how hard this is. It turns your whole world upside down. You start to question everything you ever knew or thought to be true about your life together.

I don't have any answers for the "why." There are a lot of wonderful posts in the MLC Resources and MLC archives threads that try to answer the big questions.

tpaschal, you have been doing this for a lot longer than me. I admire your strength and endurance. I wonder when will I know to give up hope? When do I accept that my life with him with us is over? When will I stand up for myself, my boys, and my life and say enough? At this point....I still love him. When will I stop loving him? Caring for him? Want to hear his voice? See his face? Get an email from him? See his hands? Feel his touch? I miss him so much. What he is looking for he has right here at home. What we have is something that many people search for their entire life. How do I get him to see that?

2ndNoah, believe me, I know EXACTLY how you feel. My H had an amazing life---living the American dream. So it makes absolutely no sense that he's doing this. But I'll say it again. There is NOTHING YOU CAN DO to MAKE him see that.

NOTHING.

God is waiting there with healing for your H that would help him figure it all out, but your H has to ask for that healing on his own. Just like you can't MAKE an alcoholic get help, and you can't MAKE an overweight person lose weight, you cannot MAKE an MLC'er see the truth of what they are doing and losing. I truly believe that there is component of mental illness to MLC.

You may never stop loving and missing your H. I still love and miss mine. But it does get easier with time. It's just like when a beloved friend or relative dies. After a while the pain isn't as fresh and immediate as in the beginning. It doesn't mean that you quit loving that person, you just find a way to deal with the grief and keep on living even though they aren't there anymore.

What it takes a long time to get to is realizing that moving forward with your life doesn't have to mean giving up hope. You just can't let it run your life.

Did you ever see a doctor about going on anti-depressants for a little while? I think they could help you. They don't make the pain go away, but they do help you cope with it better.

I'm praying for you. {{{hugs for Noah}}}