Drowning after 23 years!

[CBK]

I have been posting on the Newcomers board for a about a week and been getting little response, hopefully will get some more on board.

Original string http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1417314&page=1#Post1417314

Short version:

- March 18, 2008 W says she wants to be seperated
- about 1 week later, I find out she in an A with OM for past 11 months
- she has been unhappy for years, the OM is not the cause of the S, but he showed her how special she is
- OM is married with kids
- I get the I care about you, but don't love you
- She still is emotionally involved with OM, thinks OM will leave his W and kids.
- W thinks if she leaves me and if OM leaves wife, that would be her dream.
- even if OM doesn't leave, she is done with me
- I have not told anybody about the A - we agreed that we would not, regretting this a bit now
- She was going to move out, but kids come home from college next week, so she wants to stay for them and also, she wants to stay in the house during the S!
- I have snooped too much and having a hard time stopping, very insecure right now.
- I have found 3 letters addressed to me and the both kids. My guess they are dear john letters. I have left them unopened (I actually found them about 7 months ago and W forgot I knew)in the same spot.
- I have been going totally insane like everybody else when they find this out.
- Have lost 30+ lbs in a month, sleep very little but trying to GAL and do some 180's
- Doesn't seem like anything works
- If you can't tell, I don't have much patience!

So, that is the very short version of what has been happening with me. I am very much in love with W where she isn't even looking for connections right now. Hard to take after being together for so long. I am pretty sure I have pushed a little too hard and she is getting advice from somebody to get L - probably the OM, so she can keep the house. Hope she doesn't go down this road... Another issue for me is that since I do travel a lot, she has her name (only her name) to work on funds with our financial planner - although she says she would never screw me money, I am wondering...

I don't have a large support network where I live as all of my friends are "our" friends and don't want to pit them against either one of us.

Kids know W is in guest room, that is about it.

Advice?

[Hope4us]

CBK, your sitch sounds so much like mine. Same ages, same years married, kids in college, all the same.

First thing is to not pay any attention to the b.s. she's telling you. It's all babble to make herself feel better about what she's doing.

Second thing is that of course she doesn't want you to tell anyone. Would you want that out there? Some people on this board disagree, but others don't in that exposure of the affair to people who can have an influence on her is your best chance to break them up. Affairs thrive on secrecy. Expose them to the light of day and the fantasy it is will begin to crumble. OM is married? Do you know him and his wife? There is your best exposure candidate. She thinks OM will leave his wife and kids? Not likely. Call her and tell her what's going on. Don't go into a lot of details unless she asks, but tell her you love your wife and want to save your marriage for yourselves and your kids, but you can't do that while your WW is involved with her H. The other part of that is don't you think she should be able to make decisions about her life with all the facts? She's being lied to also.

Exposure to your kids is tricky, but if they are in college they're adults and in my opinion deserve to know the truth. Both my kids thanked me for telling them the truth. Was it the hardest thing I've ever done? YES! but it was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders once I did. Do you think your kids would be more harmed by knowing the truth or by thinking their parents thought so little of their well being that they gave up on their marriage? In my book, the truth may hurt at the beginning, but in the long run it's for the best.

If you decide to go the exposure route, be prepared. Your W will be furious! She'll tell you she was going to give you a chance, but oh boy, not now. She'll say a whole lot of other stuff that you need to just let roll off your back, because you know where it's coming from. You're getting in between her and her drug (OM). Exposure probably won't end the affair immediately, but it could. But exposure sure puts the kink into it. Think the conversations they'll have after exposure will be all fantasy crap they talk about now? Not even close. And if you decide to expose, don't tell her you're going to do it. Prepare and then do it without letting her know what you're doing so she doesn't have a chance to tell OM you're going to do that so he can spin it to his wife that there's this crazy jealous husband that might call you and don't pay any attention to what he says. Ditto the kids. Don't give her a chance to spin it to them. And if you tell your kids, don't bash her. She's still their mom. Just tell them what's going on and that she's in a messed up place and you want nothing more than to try to save your marriage.

She wants to separate but live in the same house? Cake-eater. She wants you to finance her current life style while she continues to F OM.

I'd tell her that if she wants to continue with OM, there's the door. Tell her you love her and want to make the marriage work, but you can't with three people in that marriage. I'd expose to OMW and possibly your kids. Let the weight of what she's doing hit her right between the eyes.

I know most of what I've said is not very DB, but right now she is the "enemy" and you need to treat her as such. I don't mean to treat her bad. You just need to recognize that right now she isn't thinking about anyone but herself and will continue to do whatever she can to get what she wants.

Gotta run for now. I'll check in later.

Edited to add: Ok I just read your sitch on Newcomers. Do what you want with the exposure thing. I thought they were actively involved. If it truly is only an EA at this point, it might not be the best thing. Only you can make that decision.

[CBK]

Thanks H4U

I have been going back and forth - right now, I am holding it tight to my chest. I just have to watch my temper as I might say something in anger to somebody!

I do think last night was the first time she has seen him in a month - a lot of talk, hugging and kissing - possibly. I know she calls him as well. That doesn't make me feel good, but that isn't my choice. I also think he told her to get L last night - but it could have been another one of her friends. She wants the house - I told her that if she wants to be on her own, there was the door and I would help in every way possible, but the house isn't an option. She was pissed, I was pissed.

I don't know the person or his wife, just initials. I am pretty resourceful and could find out fairly easily, but right now don't want this info. I am trying to break my "snooping" habit, which is soooo hard. The hard one is that there are three envolopes in drawar which I think were dear john letters from about 6 months ago. They are addressed to me and the kids. Part of me wants to tell her to get them and put them away, the other part wants me to just grab them and hide them for me later. Not sure what option 2 would get me...

I just contacted my family lawyer and asked him what I should be doing to protect myself - I need to be smart and protect myself. I also just called and hired a DB coach and will start with her on Wednesday. That will be a long day. DB coach, IC, them MC, then a 5 hour drive to go pick up my kids from college!

Thanks again. Looking forward to working this out and hope we can be a support for each other.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

CBK,

What Hope4Us said.

I'm really sorry you're here. I know exactly what you're going thru, and it really sukks. Life's given you a sh_t sandwich, and you're going to have to deal with it, and push thru the storm.

An EA is still an affair, and in my opinion, you need to expose it while working on yourself at the same time. You're waffling between needy/grabby/pursuing behavior, and just totally giving your wife space, and neither one is going to work.

You're not a patient person? Then get to work and DO SOMETHING about this. Make a plan, and work the plan.

There's not much more that I can that Hope4Us didn't already say. Your wife WILL be livid, but you need to fight for your marriage and your family. In fact, at some level, she probably is even WAITING for you to do that.

Puppy

[hopeful4her]

CBK, I know that when I stopped snooping, I was doing great and feeling really good about myself. Once I got the urge to snoop again and did, well, you can tell by my thread what I have been feeling. I think that I am trying to model my sitch after H4U's. I think that Doing My Best's sitch is similar. I have been impressed by Puppy's advice to all on the board. I have been leaning toward the exposure. I have spoken to MIL already, but I don't think she has said anything to WW. Now considering telling our S14. He is very mature for his age, and knows how she feels. He has even told me that I prob have to let her go. He also has told me and WW that our girls should stay with me.

[CBK]

All great advice - I am still on the waffle side of not telling right now, but that could change, especially after the kids come home next week. They are both in college and very mature. She is afraid that she would lose the kids if they found out - sometines I say, well, those are the consequences. But the kids will still love her as she is a great mom.

I have to say, it is so hard to be in the same house with her. I just went and hit a bucket of balls, ran a couple of errands and alls I wanted to do is get back home!


Puppy - thanks for the reply and you are right, I am being pushy, grabby, needy, and more.

I am working on the patience part of me. Have been doing yoga, gym, golf again after laying off it for a couple of years, and now staying away from her unless she comes to me to ask quesitons.

As one of the posters in a differnt string said - time to man up.

This is a long road, and even though I keep telling myself that, I go into a sprint mode! This is my new full time job.

The good news is that before I left for my errands, W drove up with one of her girlfriends, I was always pissed at her because she was always doing stuff with W. I was very jealous of her. During therapy, I told my W that I needed to apologize to her for making her uncomftable around me. Which I did, gave her friend a hug and then I drove away. Trying to step up to the plate.

Tonight is going to be a hard night. We are going to a couples dinner that we do once a month - they all know we are in a "strained" relationship, but not how strained... These are all really good friends and I need to watch what I say. Luckily, since the bomb dropped, I have pretty much quit drinking!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

All great advice - I am still on the waffle side of not telling right now, but that could change, especially after the kids come home next week. They are both in college and very mature. She is afraid that she would lose the kids if they found out - sometines I say, well, those are the consequences. But the kids will still love her as she is a great mom.

Those are ABSOLUTELY the consequences. Your children are adults, and deserve to know the truth. Your last sentence here answers the dilemna for yourself.

You seem to want to protect your wife from the consequences of her infidelity. Why do you suppose you do that? Is it fear? Guilt over your own prior EA? Something else?

[CBK]

I have always been the "nice guy" and would not want to hurt anybody. The one statement my W makes is that the marriage was in trouble before the A - but I keep telling her that the A is what is keeping us apart. I am do feel some guilt over my own EA - but I don't think that is the reason. I think the fear is that she will never forgive me if she found out I did it.

One of the issues she has with me is that I would give the shirt off my back if somebody needed me. I just forgot who needed me at home... I was also taught to protect that family, put up the front, no matter what happens, protect the family. So pretty deep rooted in my pshchy I guess.

I do go back in forth, that is for da$n sure. I wish I knew why the protection. I am also ashamed by the affair. Maybe it is because it makes me look bad as well? I will have to keep wrestling with this one. The chicken way to do it is try and find another way for it surface.

And finally, I gave her my word I would not tell another soul - and, even though she cannot keep hers through our marriage vows, I will keep mine.

Wow, had to look inside for that... still not 100% sure though. My therapist friend thinks it is the right tactic, I will see him next weekend and will ask him again.

Great post Puppy. Really making me think...

[CBK]

So I post this, then go downstairs. I am such a wuss...

I am really nervous about going to this dinner. Haven't seen these friends since the S - they all know. I have lost 32 lbs which is very noticable. So I tell W I will need her help if I start to breakdown. She asked what I needed, I said I don't know but I don't want to make her uncomfortable. (puppy, see a trend here). Then I go and say that during these next few months that we need to reestablish our friendship - WTF was I thinking??? Then go on to tell her that I overreacted about who moves out in September, we have plenty of time to discuss. The reason I did that was to hopefully keep her away from the L...

I am so weak right now. The ironic part is that I am not this way normally! I need to "grow a pair" and get my butt in gear. I have only been DBing for a short time, and I think I have backslid more than I have made progress! I feel as if I am further behind than when I started.

[hopeful4her]

Don't forget that you agreed on not exposing the affair at a time when you might have been in denial about it. You are protecting yourself from what others may perceive of you and you are protecting her from being judged just in case you guys make it through. I think that is the thought process that I am/was going through.