I agree that the R with her mother will have to be better. However, you also dont want it to be "just to save your marriage". Look, think very clearly about her mom, what does the R that you want to have with her as her son in law? Part of mending that relationship may be that you need to own your part in its failure. You have some very clear opinions of your MIL and I am sure have made mistakes with her. Take ownership for those actions and at the same time let her know that you want to work through the issues between the two of you. It has to be for you though Mike, it cannot be for your wife.
Ian
Well, I've tried to apologize to her before for things and tell her I am sorry. She has never apologized to me for anything she has said. She is a very strong willed, independent woman. She was sexually molested as a child by her father so I know she has issues. She likes to manipulate people and uses guilt as a weapon. Everyone else in the family just lets it go and over looks her. Their attitude is "oh that's just mom." When my wife and I first met I tried to do things for my MIL around her house..I ended up being a gardener and house boy for her. I got tired of being insulted and fired back at her a few times. Of course that put my W in the middle and I suppose she felt like she had to choose. My MIL did not like me firing back.
I invited them up today, Mil and her boyfriend. I'm making Tequila Lime Chicken tonight. W says they won't come because they are uncomfortable. W says she does not want to push them. I told my W I understand.
Oh I know I own part of that failure. Problem is MIL will not own up to any part of the failure, never has. I suppose I will have to suck it up and take responsibility for all of it maybe..
I have discovered a lot of things about myself in the last week and I actually feel better about myself than I have since I was a teenager.
My 1st M and D really screwed me up. I was so bitter about it that I almost let it ruin my R with my S. I have almost let it ruin my 2nd M. Hell, I've almost let it ruin a bunch of relationships and friendships that I have had.
old Mike=Arguments, get pissed, withdraw
New Mike-No argument, be an active listener, ask questions to make sure I am hearing what I hear. Show and vocalize empathy. Just be a good listener. I don't always have to be right.
If nothing else and this may sound crazy..I've learned a lot about myself through this. I think I will be a better person no matter how this goes. I wish I would not have let my actions get my M this far in the hole. It was a hell of a lot easier getting in the hole than it has been getting out, If we get out that is.
