Drowning after 23 years!

[Hope4us]

CBK, your sitch sounds so much like mine. Same ages, same years married, kids in college, all the same.

First thing is to not pay any attention to the b.s. she's telling you. It's all babble to make herself feel better about what she's doing.

Second thing is that of course she doesn't want you to tell anyone. Would you want that out there? Some people on this board disagree, but others don't in that exposure of the affair to people who can have an influence on her is your best chance to break them up. Affairs thrive on secrecy. Expose them to the light of day and the fantasy it is will begin to crumble. OM is married? Do you know him and his wife? There is your best exposure candidate. She thinks OM will leave his wife and kids? Not likely. Call her and tell her what's going on. Don't go into a lot of details unless she asks, but tell her you love your wife and want to save your marriage for yourselves and your kids, but you can't do that while your WW is involved with her H. The other part of that is don't you think she should be able to make decisions about her life with all the facts? She's being lied to also.

Exposure to your kids is tricky, but if they are in college they're adults and in my opinion deserve to know the truth. Both my kids thanked me for telling them the truth. Was it the hardest thing I've ever done? YES! but it was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders once I did. Do you think your kids would be more harmed by knowing the truth or by thinking their parents thought so little of their well being that they gave up on their marriage? In my book, the truth may hurt at the beginning, but in the long run it's for the best.

If you decide to go the exposure route, be prepared. Your W will be furious! She'll tell you she was going to give you a chance, but oh boy, not now. She'll say a whole lot of other stuff that you need to just let roll off your back, because you know where it's coming from. You're getting in between her and her drug (OM). Exposure probably won't end the affair immediately, but it could. But exposure sure puts the kink into it. Think the conversations they'll have after exposure will be all fantasy crap they talk about now? Not even close. And if you decide to expose, don't tell her you're going to do it. Prepare and then do it without letting her know what you're doing so she doesn't have a chance to tell OM you're going to do that so he can spin it to his wife that there's this crazy jealous husband that might call you and don't pay any attention to what he says. Ditto the kids. Don't give her a chance to spin it to them. And if you tell your kids, don't bash her. She's still their mom. Just tell them what's going on and that she's in a messed up place and you want nothing more than to try to save your marriage.

She wants to separate but live in the same house? Cake-eater. She wants you to finance her current life style while she continues to F OM.

I'd tell her that if she wants to continue with OM, there's the door. Tell her you love her and want to make the marriage work, but you can't with three people in that marriage. I'd expose to OMW and possibly your kids. Let the weight of what she's doing hit her right between the eyes.

I know most of what I've said is not very DB, but right now she is the "enemy" and you need to treat her as such. I don't mean to treat her bad. You just need to recognize that right now she isn't thinking about anyone but herself and will continue to do whatever she can to get what she wants.

Gotta run for now. I'll check in later.

Edited to add: Ok I just read your sitch on Newcomers. Do what you want with the exposure thing. I thought they were actively involved. If it truly is only an EA at this point, it might not be the best thing. Only you can make that decision.