Totally Lost after 23 years

[CBK]

Okay, well, not sure if I blew it or not. When she walked in from her errands this AM, I was reading the paper. So I said "It felt like you were elsewhere when we were talking last night, I don't want to misread anything and should have asked last night - is everything okay?" She said yes. And I said, okay, I just don't want to misread anything. Then went back to reading the paper.

Was that okay? Am I pushing?

[CBK]

Journaling...

Well, she is going off to a luncheon with her girlfriends which is great. Was acting "as if". We were standing in the garage and I was making small talk as she was waiting for her ride. At least got her talking. I know that is the last thing she wants to do is show any kind of "niceness" torward me. I know she was getting ancy talking to me, so she ran to the store to get a flower to take to the luncheon. So she pulled up, and hoped out of her car and said she was going to drive. I said have a great time and will see her later this afternoon. It has taken every bit of strength to do that - I feel like a need a nap! Again, I know she doesn't like me know, but will keep on chipping away.

Advice? Did I do okay?

[CBK]

Well, maybe I am answering my own question now... Got a call. She said she is NOT trying to make connections right now with me. I am afraid she is getting ready to get an L because of the house. I am very nervous about finances because since I am gone so much, we only have her name on the documents for our broker. Advice on this? Should I be seeking out a L or ask this in our next counseling session?

[CBK]

Friends, I have reposted under the infidelity board. Hoping to keep you all and gain more support. It is
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1420929&page=0#Post1420929

I will keep up with this string until no more responses.

Thanks again.

[steve477]

Hi CB

Feels strange, me being 20 years younger than you but being in a place where you ask me for advice lol!

Reduce the neg feelings about yourself. Build the love you still have for your W. If she really truly didnt want any conection to you then she would have gone already. My W told me the same thing, I asked her why she wouldnt work on the M, she said she was by still being here, and spending time with me. Now that is NOT my idea of working on the M, but it is hers. So just because you dont think your W is making an effort, doesnt mean she doesnt think she is making an effort.

Another question for you all. How do act "as if" when my W walks in and I know she has been with the OM?

Remember.... the OM will slip up. My Ws OM is starting to pressure her now. She told him about this and he is trying to back off a bit (dont ask how I know and I wont tell any lies!).
If I can get to the stage I am at now, then dammit so can you!! At least you dont have the niggling thought in the back of your mind that you W could be carrying another mans child. (sorry not my thread!)

She said I am not caring about her, but I also don't want to pry.

Your W needs you, as mine needs me. Things will get better month by month, look back a month at a time. She is giving you a hint there, I am sure she is giving more, just keep listening.

I did say in the last MC that my short term goal was to rebuild our friendship, and I really do mean it. But how do you do that when the OM is in the pic? You had the same problem. She is so closed to me right now, it is tough to rebuild when it is so one sided.

It seems tough now, but honestly what does he give her that you dont? Think, its not that hard to figure out. Its the same thing you gave her when you got together, the same thing you can still give her. We are both guilty of not putting enough into our Ms. It is going to be hard. God, so hard...I know that my Ws OM is wanting to touch my Ws `bump` and feel the baby and talk to it. Man I could rip his head off with my bare hands. But she needs me, youe W needs you, it will be a struggle...
But, it is certainly possible. Yoou said you lost 30lbs. Are you just loose skin now? Get to the gym and tone up.

Your W was looking for a quick fix in the OM, but he wont last...did you read the band aid analogy in my thread from Rob?
You read my advice I got from Sandi? She is great.

I do want to step up - this is going to be my new full-time job as one of my friends said. I need to quit feeling sorry for myself and, like you said, "man up" - but God is that tough when you are convinced that the other person has no desire to be around you.

Read the books I recommended. Just because you think she has no desire for you at the moment (and sorry but she probably doesnt) doesnt mean she never will. You got the same I love you but... speech. That means that she still has feelings for you, but the `spark` has gone. Put it back. Not to much too soon of course. Got to get a base of friendship there. But the occasional bunch of flowers if you never usually get them wouldnt hurt. If you think she wouldnt like to receive them directly, just put them in a vase and leave them in the room. You know your W better than us, so you must have a few ideas.
Listen to her. Alot. She will tell you what to do.

I have been trying the "stop" technique, but it always comes back. I keep telling myself this guy is scum - it does help a little, but know W is in "love" with this idiot.

Doesnt work for me, bit boring to think about a stop sign, try listening to audiobooks. Your W is not in love with him, she is in love with the idea of being in love with him. Remember when you were inlove? Its about how the other person made YOU feel about yourself, it was a good feeling, but it never lasts. Man I feel like such a hypocrite saying this but... just forget about OM. He is nothing compared to you. If they want to be together and they both get D, then after he has finished paying for his kids and they both spend time with their kids on weekends and every 3rd wednesday... where is this magical feeling of love gone? Your W needs to let go of OM for her own sake or it wont last. She cant let go of him for you. It hurts I know. I am becoming James Bond reincarnate, but it still hurts like hell and I will never forget this. Come here and give me a manly hug! Use these negative event to enact a positive change in your life.

Be an alpha male. Sounds like you might be in your job anyway. You travel.. you in sales?

Remember attraction is biological. Your W couldnt help being attracted to you in the first place, she couldnt help being atteacted to OM (she shouldnt have acted on it but there we go). The same way you cant help being attracted to the girl at the checkout in the supermarket..........the same way she wont be able to help being attracted to you again in the future.

Rememebr you are doing this for you.. should the worst happen, you will still need to get out there and attract a new bit of totty! Flirt a bit with other women, remeber how to do it and then do it with your W.

As a bit of future planning.... you said your sex life had become a bit of a chore. When you feel up to it, read a few sex manuals... have a few new tricks to show her when the moment comes when she fall back into your arms! I have got a whole arsenal waiting for my W!

Have a bit of fun! Think about what James Bond would do (except shooting the OM!)

Go out sometimes. Dont tell unless she asks where. Come back happy. Get a massage, go to the movies, read a book, people watch in Starbucks.

I would stay in this board, seems to get alot of action.

Cheers

Steve

[CBK]

Steve,

I am not sure how you pull those quotes out of an email - but I will try and make some sense here.

I am hopeful the OM will slip up. Right now they think they are in love. I am so tempted to expose the affair, but Stella and Addie would kill me. Also, if exposed, then I could drive them into each others arms and then have W hate me the rest of my life. I will fight a different way - would love to kick the snot out of the guy though...

Patience is a virtue, one that I do not have. As you said in your earlier post, I keep saying it is a long road, but do I really accept that... great question and I need to keep telling myself it is not days or weeks, it is months.

How they got together, he listened to her, made her feel special again. She has re-written our marriage so there were no happy times - BS, but I cannot change her feelings, that is up for her to do. I am trying to be more in tuned to what she is saying - very hard as she isn't saying much! :-)

And I do love the band-aid anology - I need to keep reminding myself of that one!

Interesting how you said the "spark" is gone - same exact words W used in counseling. Time to light that spark back - will take a lot of work, but I am ready once I figure out my steps! I will nibble away at the friendship, not pressure her, etc. I love the flower idea. We used to go to a local street fair on saturdays and bring flowers home for the house. Will put that on my list. If she asks me why, I will say to brighten up the house!

I have offices in DC and NY, do mostly educational lobby work - so at work, am the alpha male, I am at home as well, she always wanted me to make the decisions, that is why she said she is lost, she never was able to define herself. She picked a fine way to do it now... grrrrr.

I actually do a pretty good job about 12 hours out of the day forgetting about him. When I do remember him, I start calling him names and saying what does he have that I don't? I dream about knocking his head off... sound familiar?

Kids are tough, you are in a tougher sitc than I am. But, kids are kids and I don't want them to hurt at all. W says they are resiliant and will make it through. I literally have nightmares about my kids and telling them, wake up in cold sweat. Even as I type this about my kids, I tear up.

The sad part is I always flirted with OW in my profession - but I was always the "safe" one - like the big brother. I would always talk about W when I was out and they all knew I was totally devoted to her. Time to dust some of that old charm off - just have to remember where I hid it.

Yea, 32 lbs and counting down. I am 6'3" and was/is an athlete, but major surgery has left me with a bum leg, but I am going to the gym, doing yoga, went to hit a bucket of balls at the golf range, etc. My plan is to take a hike once a month (W's favorite activity and mine) and volunteer one weekend a month as well - we instilled that in our kids, but not us.

I am a huge James Bond fan, love the analogy!

Tonight will be a rough nite as we are going to a couples dinner with 6 other couples. They all know we are strained, but not the total extent. I quit drinking a month ago (and quit eating as well!) so my mouth shouldn't run to much.

Thanks again Steve - so greatly appreciated.

[stella_k]

Also, if exposed, then I could drive them into each others arms and then have W hate me the rest of my life. I will fight a different way

Right you are, CBK! May be we won't be killing you after all !


Let us know what will happen tonight. Try to enjoy the dinner and be upbeat and charming. Good luck!

[CBK]

Thanks Stella,

Well, we went out last night, just waking up now. What a horrible backslidding night!

I was very nervous about going - I am still in the trauma stage of all of this. I was pacing the house and finally told W I may need her support tonight, I was unraveling before we even got there. She asked what could she do and I said just be there for me. She said okay. Needless to say, I was not my charming self, I was very quiet and reserved, not like me. I was in one room with the guys, she was in another with the ladies - I could her here tell stories, etc. - it was starting to hit me that if I don't do something, this M is over and this could be the last time we are together like this. We sat next to each other at dinner and I tried to engage in conversation, did an okay job with that. Later, we played games. I had to excuxe myself twice to the restroom so I could cry. W knew when I would ocme back. During the games, I would start to get an anxiety attack, I would grab W's arm just to hold on to it, didn't think I could make it. I had good times and bad last night.

So when we got home, I was still a mess and asked W how she was doing, she said fine. I said I don't know how she could be so strong and not let that affect her - she said sorry and went to bed after saying goodnight. I cried myself to sleep. I almost asked her if she could come into our room and just sleep with me so I could hold her and tell her let's not talk about R, but let's just talk - I knew better than this, so I didn't.

This was a major backslide, I know. I was pumping myself up all day to make sure I was strong enough to get through this. Meanwhile, alls I could do is picture me not being in that scene and the OM sitting in for me with all of our friends.

I so want to talk to her today about R and OM, but I know I shouldn't. I will go to church and gym - that gets me to noon...

I know I am going to be tempted to talk today. I want to tell her if the OM loves her so much, why isn't he doing anything to get out of his sitc? Why won't he go to counseling with his W to see if they should be working things out? Honestly, Stella, that is why (but won't) I want to tell OMW about the A, let them start the healing process so we can. However, right now, my W doesn't want to start any healing process with me. She has said she is okay with me not being there any longer. I know, many success stories, but I have been slipping into the abyss.

I have a meeting with a DB coach on Wednesday which I am looking forward to - plus I have to travel on Monday and Tuesday... just need to get through today.

[stella_k]

Sorry, CBK, I've made a mistake. Thought the dinner is today. I can never calculate the time difference correctly.

. I almost asked her if she could come into our room and just sleep with me so I could hold her and tell her let's not talk about R, but let's just talk - I knew better than this, so I didn't.

I don't see much of a backslide here. You ALMOST started the R talk but you didn't and that's what counts. I think you are very strong and doing great so far. When H was here I was backsliding all the time. It is really tough with estranged S in the house.
So sorry that you're going through all of that.

I know I am going to be tempted to talk today. I want to tell her if the OM loves her so much, why isn't he doing anything to get out of his sitc? Why won't he go to counseling with his W to see if they should be working things out? Honestly, Stella, that is why (but won't) I want to tell OMW about the A, let them start the healing process so we can. However, right now, my W doesn't want to start any healing process with me.

Oh, CBK, I know! I wanted so badly to break my M completely so that I could start healing and fixing what's broken. But in my heart I knew that if I'd expose his A he would never trust me again. I hate it so when friends ask about H and I have to think of something to say. I gave him deadline until May and I thought a year and a half would be more than enough for him to figure it all out.
Now we're nearly there and H is still in the fog. He is in MLC and MLCers are not to be rushed. It takes as long as it takes and I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that it may take another few months or even a year.
Uncertainty is killing me but it seems to be the only way. I've read somewhere on the board that one has to live his/her life as if WAS will never come back.

It gets better. It still hurts awfully but it's not as painful as it was at the beginning.

Hang in there, ((CBK))!

PS. If you want to quote something, choose a quotation mark icon box and click on it. The quot marks will appear on the page. Now copy the text you want to quote and paste it in between the brackets.

[CBK]

Thanks Stella

Today is going to be a horrible day. After crying most of the morning, I decided that was enough and was going to church and gym. Told W I was leaving - got to church and was physically ill, went into church and just started to cry, so left and came home. W is still in her room with door shut. Me in my room with my laptop IMing my mom. Pretty pathetic for a 46 year old man.

I am sorry to hear about your sitc as well. You sound like you have a ton of patience. I am sure you were in my stage where everything seems hopeless. She has been my bestfriend for so long, just forgot how to treat my best friend. In my mind, again, MY mind not hers, if she would recommit, there was nothing unsurmountable that we couldn't get past. The OM we can get past even with time and energy. It is hard to believe that she is willing to throw it all away on some idiot.

I have so much anger inside of me today and am fearful that if W sees me, she will ask what is wrong, I don't know how to answer her - I may go off. I keep thinking I have no more tears, but man, they come from somewhere! Today, if I am not careful, will be a major backslide day - I am going to try and keep to myself, be strong where I can. I know she heard me crying this morning before I left and when I came back - that is the last thing I want her to hear. Home is where I feel the most comfort right now, I hate to be away... very dependent and early in my stages. I just keep thinking a month ago my W told me she wanted a S, then OM comes to light a week later and she wants me to move out of the house after the summer when the kids go back to college...

I still don't know what to tell the kids. They will notice that dad has lost a ton of weight, isn't eating or drinking much at all and is moping around all day. I need to get stonger for them and me...