Imagine MMB if your H was simply having an affair just to have one because it's not that big of a deal to you.
It's a very big deal. It's why most of us are here.
I simply liked how lostforwords voiced his opinion. Not that I agreed with him.
Having an affair as a LRT is just a cop-out. Then you use someone as a band-aid instead of dealing with the issues. Someone will get hurt in the process.
Trust me on this one. K?
You can have male friends without having sex.
You can direct your lonliness in a different direction.
Think about it.
Jeanette
Change the Policy. Allow PM's Free all of us.
Also some new and improved emoticons would be nice!
I realize this affair I am having is not anyone's idea of DB'ing here on this board and that is OK. I however have chosen to not live my life by what the DB book says. I gave 19 years of my life to a man that in the end decided an affair and then leaving me and the kids 3 days before Xmas was the RIGHT thing to do. It wasn't. And my relationship you feel isn't the right thing to do either.
Right now it is what works for me and for those that can't accept that this is the path I chose I understand that. You all will be the first with the, "I told you so's" being flung at me when I come back in 2 or 3 months boohoo'ing about this affair ending. Or maybe not, who knows.
Can we please at least just get back to normal posting and not down and out debate over all this? It is really driving me batty here folks.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
...and I am not implying that a WAS comes to their senses once the LBS has an A. What I meant is after the D is long over and the LBS has started another R, the WAS realizes that they truely messed up a good thing.
Heather - please consider leading a celibate and romance free life for a while. It will do you good to experience life outside the bounds of an R.
The odds are there that eventually a time will come where your H will desire what he had with you. If you really want to be with him long into your golden years, you will consider being patient for a year or two.
Can we please at least just get back to normal posting and not down and out debate over all this? It is really driving me batty here folks.
Ok, lets take a blind eye to your A. So where are you now in getting your D busted? Are you going to be receiving papers soon? Has H agreed to wait a bit? As I remember, you had to be legally separated in your state for a year before a D can occur. That is an incredibly long time. Can that be overruled if infidelity is proven by either party? As you have been told before, dont lie on any forms or questions you are asked.
The WAS see's the reality of their choices the greatest when the LBS start a relationship with some one else. It is the ultimate LTR. I think this may even apply greater to "good marriages" and MLC'ers because the WAS loses the security foundation of KNOWING that their LBS is sitting at home waiting for them.
Not going to let this one go.....because this idea is prevalent on the board.
Having an affair is NOT a DBing technique. It is NOT doing what works.
The effect someone is going for doing this.....upset the apple cart, the stability, the comfort, the taking for granted by the other partner.....can be achieved by other means. You ALWAYS have other options. Get creative.
That said.....MMB has made it clear she isn't using this as a technique....she's lonely. She's horny. She knows it may not achieve her objectives.....and she has 'heard' us. And it was fair for us to tell her.
Doing more of the same with her will not likely work.
So let's get to the business of DBing with her....because that's what we're here for.
MMB -- what are the positives? What do you and H have going for you?
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
"So let's get to the business of DBing with her....because that's what we're here for."
I am all for it but please explain how that is possible when she has clearly stated this:
Quote:
"I however have chosen to not live my life by what the DB book says."
~ swl
Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear. {Henry Wadsworth Longfellow}
To see a new poster, only 3 months into supposedly saving their Marriage and already they have given up and started a new relationship.
I am sorry to sound like I am beating a dead horse, but why the hell are you here if you have already chosen to move on?
I do find it rather hypocrytical to have an affair as LRT. To me this sounds more like payback.
He had an affair so I will too......so very high school!
Affairs cause more damage to an already very fractured Marriage.
I do not know your whole history, but I can tell you from my experience here that you are so off base, and maybe you need to take a time out and re-read DB and figure out what the hell you are doing.
What kind of example are you setting for your kids? And when they ask you what you did to try and keep the family together are you going to tell them that you just gave up and hopped into bed with the first available person that came along?
I also want to add that regardless of my own personal convictions I have the ultimate respect for people who really have given it their all and then decided to go ahead with the Divorce.
Not every Marriage here will be saved, but given all of the resources here and the support from so many posters, you have no excuse not to try and DB properly.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Now I am sure this will seem petty and pointless..
I feel assured that Inmyplace will be the first to say I told you so.
One thing I have never done is linger where I am not wanted. I have made every effort to be clear that if don't want me to post say the words.
If I post and I see that you don't like it. 99% of the time I will leave.
The issue that I have run into here is there is no clear way to "vacate" your feelings. Most of the places I have posted at you find that persons thread and do it there. Or they have a "gripe" section. Its open and your post usually locks after 24 hours. You can pretty much say whatever you want. Some of the most interesting conversations I have read have come from places just like that. Or you PM someone. None of these things can be done here. So you are stuck just doing it wherever.
As much as it is black dots on a white screen there is some emotion in it. You get pulled into a "stitch". I have posted many times that I can see something in a stitch. I call it "sparks". I don't really understand why I can see it clearly in some, and miss it in others. It eludes me. "Seeing It" runs the gamut of people who post here. So I can rule out a specific type of poster or their stitch.
I believe DB can work. Really I do. Just as life.. it is never the same for everyone. Michelle realized that when she wrote the books. I am sure there was a team helping her. Different points of view will always be better than one. Alot of people get stuck in the words.. mainly because there are so many ways to interpurt what was written. Thats why lawyers flourish. If it was as simple as "Do this and Do that", Michelle would be a whole lot richer than she is now.
The issue I take is the lack of respect that some people have. You can ask for something simple. It could be.. know who you are posting to, I don't want to be judged, don't call me names, whatever.. just as was posted here.. a shoe for every occassion. If someone is balking you need to pay attention to why. I will assure you that you are stepping on thier toes.
I am confident that someone will say this was all about you Forrest (Cory) and to a point it was. Just as in life you had a hand in it too. The things you say.. and to me personally.. the things you write affect the person sitting on the other side of the Internet. I have blasted many people in my postings here. 99% of them were newcomers. When that person says I don't like what you have to say I walk away. In my mind if they need to say something they can come find me. Maybe I am wrong in that. I don't think I have left a post with someone feeling "judged". Well maybe Sandi2.
Inmyplace.. I was really confused as to where you came from. I had not seen one post from you in all my ramblings here. Your lack of knowledge about who I was and where I was going with MMB left me lacking. You had no idea where I was going with my post to her and the best you could come up with was "If you don't believe in DB leave". To me that was offensive and lacking in respect. I have never come to one of your posts and said that and I can assure you I never would. Then you called me a "petualant child that picked up my ball and left." You were the child saying he can't play kick ball why is he here? All the while never having seen me play. You reaffirmed that by saying I know SG and she did not miss anything, You (Forrest) can't play on her level. Now I personally got the "I am better than thou" in most of your postings. I am sure you think that is the way I am writing this. I am not better than anyone here. I have made all the same mistakes. I am willing to take some time and listen to them and show them the way. "The big box says save your marriage" once again that responce was clear that you did not see where I was coming from. It was a answer to RWS comment about the quick reply. If you will notice it was RE: to her. It was done all proper and up to her tough standards. The most interesting thing to me is the stance that until she (MMB) is ready to quit the affair you are not willing to help. I also saw you had a modus operandi, I have a pretty clear picture of what it is right now, instead of telling me about it why don't you show it to me.
sgctxok.. I asked if you were willing to stand by your words on a very specific statement. "No ultimate good can come of the affair." I agree affairs are hurtful, they are not the right thing to do, they will lead you down the wrong path, they are the logical course when someone WA. An affair to me is a clear and well written sign that says "I need you". An affair can open the lines of communication, real communication. I have seen it happen many times here before. Sometimes it takes a drastic action to bring about change. In the book, Michelle talks about the couple that were arguing and the guy starts taking his clothes off. He likely had no idea what the outcome of him doing that would be. It changed the dynamic of their arguments for good all he had to do was reach for a button on his shirt. A affair is not unlike someone being cold and distant, drinking alot, using porn, it is a coping mechanism. When you look at it like that some "good" can come from it. It (an affair) was a very effective tool when it was used on me. Yes MMB will have to end it, at some point, in order to make the marriage work. As will her husband. I have seen you state many times "Do What works". You capitalize it a lot. The affairs MMB and her husbad are having have changed the dynamics of their relationship. I am not really sure why. I honestly have not had enough time to delve into it. I will assume it is not the affairs themselves but it is a byproduct of them. She definately has lost some of her "crazy". They are talking like friends again and I have not seen the papers yet. Now MMB has left me hanging once and usually I would bail on that. If it happens again she will likely be on her own. I even posted as much before all the drama. I am not really sure why I am drawn to help her. Maybe you and Inmyplace can get together and come up with something for me on that. I have NFC why. As I read thru all this stuff today I saw this "That said.....MMB has made it clear she isn't using this as a technique....she's lonely. She's horny. She knows it may not achieve her objectives.....and she has 'heard' us. And it was fair for us to tell her." Again I have always thought MMB was reaching out looking for some way to do something different. I am on the fence with her. I did like that you said doing more of the same will not work with her.
RWS.. Lets just drop it. If I offended you in any way. I am sorry for that. All I ask is that if I say please hold off a sec, you say sure Forrest. I want to hear what you have to say. My mind is small and I get distrated easy. It never goes well when I try and defend myself. As we can all see. Is that a fair enough trade?
Now I did not come here for the fan base. I came here like everybody else to try and save my marriage. I wanted someone to logic it out for me. I found that logic in reading other peoples posts. I applied that logic to some other people here and it worked. More specifically Lanzo. He took what I was saying and applied it. He did not think I was judging him and he heard what I had to say. I have stated many times before thats all I ask. While it is nice to see that my fan base is larger than I thought it was, that was never my intention. I knew some would come and say "Don't leave". It sounds weird but I did not want them to.
Now I will say this is one of the more interesting posts I have ever read. The thought process behind all these different people. The different and clashing points of view.
Now I do have a post. If we want to discuss your troubles with me, that would be the place to do it. If you disagree with something I say to MMB then please post it here.
So what I am left with is..
Inmyplace.. You are right I came back. You were right I was wrong.
Sgctxok.. I wish our discussion could have been more productive.
RWS.. We are dropping it and I am sorry. I scuffed your shoes.. You scuffed mine. We are even.
MMB.. Now more than ever you are going to have to step up a little.
The issue with the affair that I see is that it solves nothing. All you are doing is taking what you had and moving it to a new relationship. I would be the first one to say I told you so, when it fails. I am not going to tell you to stop right this second. We have all been Co-dependant at some point. You have never lived alone and it is a hard and frustrating thing to have that thrust upon you. What you are doing is not going to help you in the long run. In all likelyhood you will be in the same boat with the same paddle in 6 months. The reason is the desicions you are making, the things you are doing are being led by your emotions. It is not unlike the LBS chasing after the WAS professing Love and Change. Some people need to find out for themselves. Some people need to be at the bottom before they want to stand up. The part that scares me the most is, if tomorrow he (Husband) came to you and said I want you back, that you may have to think about it. I can see you walking away. You really need to think about that. I can see you need someone to hold your hand a little and thats ok. Understand at some point you are going to have to stick with one decision or the other. I know deep down that you love your husband and the perfect solution would be for him to come back and forget all this stuff. If you are still around I will do my best to see what I can come up with. A big step in the right direction would be to really look at what you are doing. You can't Flip-Flop. If this man (affair) is what you really want then by all means jump. You know where the courthouse is also. If you want your marriage to work then you know what has to happen. If you want to have your cake and eat it to.. Sell the house and move to a state that will allow that. Maryland is not one of those states. Utah and some parts of Nevada will turn a blind eye to it. I think I heard the house was up for sale anyway.
To the fan base.. I am sorry I let you down. No excuses.. It was a poor choice on my part. I feel badly that I let my "Drama Queen" come out.
So MMB it once again falls back on you. Hopefully the civil war is over.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Just because you haven't seen someone posting to a thread before does not mean that the poster hasn't read up on the situation and is jumping into the koolaid without knowing the flavour. Keep that in mind.
It is beyond time for you to start and maintain your own thread. You suggest that your story isn't known but that is because other than a couple little snippet postings when you first signed up you have put nothing out there in spite of the very fact that you have indeed been asked more than once. Let's see who Forrest is and what his situation is.
Your own thread gives others the opportunity to address you there without mucking up threads that belong to others. Those threads should be about them and not about Forrest.
You want some credibility? You want some understanding? Let's see that Story.
~ swl
Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear. {Henry Wadsworth Longfellow}
