W feels some guilt, but still 100% absorbed in her own feelings, has little sense of your pain. Can someone tell us if this dynamic ever gets reversed or is it something the LBS has to live with forever?
If ever a quote were so true.
W and I got into some R talk on the back of her talking about plans for my 50th in 5 years time. Basically she doesn't want any R talk. In her mind shes moved on from the A, doesn't even think about it. In fact she said she wants us to move on as if it never happened. WTF !!
I told her I'm not bother bout the A but we need to talk about the possible circumstances that led up to it and how we should heed the danger signs.
I told her we can't just pretend it didn't happen, we did that in 2005, and come 2007 it happened again. The best she could offer was she was unhappy at the time of the A's and now she wished they never happened.
There was more to the whole conversation but the bottom line is she wants the whole thing swept under the carpet with out being addressed properly .
I think we getting on really fine at the moment and W said she very happy, but I think I took exception to her saying lets move on like it never happened and "oh I don't think you'll ever let this go"
Anyway we back on track today I'm glad I let her know that we still need to address some issues, I guess in time if all goes well the issues won't be as important.
I told her we can't just pretend it didn't happen, we did that in 2005, and come 2007 it happened again. The best she could offer was she was unhappy at the time of the A's and now she wished they never happened.
There was more to the whole conversation but the bottom line is she wants the whole thing swept under the carpet with out being addressed properly .
I think we getting on really fine at the moment and W said she very happy, but I think I took exception to her saying lets move on like it never happened and "oh I don't think you'll ever let this go"
Lan, I've been in that spot - and W and I still have never talked about the A in any direct way, not once since the night she admitted it to me. And you know what? It's OK.
Remember that the A was a symptom of your R problems - not the cause. So when you do talk, talk about the root causes in a positive "how to do better from now on" frame of mind, and don't focus on the negative things that resulted from your past mistakes. Put them behind you both and build something great for your future instead.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
I told her I'm not bother about the A but we need to talk about the possible circumstances that led up to it and how we should heed the danger signs.
and how we should do better.
But really she didn't want to talk about anything remotely related to the A.
Actually this bit becomes relevant again.
Originally Posted By: Rob1231
I want you to remember something. In many ways, your W is still REALLY, REALLY SCARED. She had made up her mind that her M was over - and believe me, she was not a happy person when she did that. Now, she sees hope for the two of you - do you understand how difficult it is for her to throw her heart and body and soul back into that relationship after having "failed" once? I think it actually takes a lot of guts for the WAS to come back, maybe more than for the LBS to recommit - because we never gave up like they did. Add a hearty helping of guilt on top of that - do you see how "putting herself out there again" would be just terrifying? So, when she is tentative, and insecure (I'm thinking back to the big party with your family), take it easy on her - let her come back at her own pace.
I think I saw some of her guilt pain etc coming out.
When W "re-comitted" she said we should talk more in out R however I think the topics surrounding the A are still too raw for her to confront.
point taken, I know what I'm doing and I know what needs to be done. (Love, fluff and stuff everywhere).
However, there was just somthing in the comment from W about wanting to continue as if all of this never happened. I mean it was almost as bad as you having a drama strop, then having to fill your face full of humble pie.
Honestly.. I was just hoping that thread would die.
I get that I come across as harsh. Fully understand that.
I don't mind so much that it happened and don't really want to hide from it, but as you can see not much productive stuff going on there.
There were some good things that came out of it but there was a huge distraction factor in it.
In the scheme of things I don't care if I was right or wrong. Its what I thought. My perception. My drama. My solution. Maybe I should have said **** off. I am not sure if that is allowed here.
I as your wife did not really want to talk about it.. but I was left with no other option. I just don't know when to quit sometimes.
Maybe your wife read the book.. She took it to heart.. And is acting "As If" she never had an affair.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
