Jak, Matilda, and Piecing Friends, I did not dance Friday night. Our usual Friday dance venue will be discontinuing its Latin night DJ and switching to karaoke. It will have Latin nights on Saturdays, so the plan is to switch to Saturdays.
I chose not to accompany my W to a dance outing. I thought there was too much potential for another difficult evening. I chose to let things settle for an evening. I did take her car in for maintenance as the air bags are not operational.
I sent my W a response to her email, stating that I felt badly for how the class turned-out. I reminded her that class can be stressful for me if I'm not understanding something. I reminded her that I am grateful for her help and value her as a practice partner, and hope that she will continue practicing with me and continue the classes.
We'll see what her response is. I'm going to try and stay clear of whose fault is whose type discussions. I'll keep my opinions to myself regarding how I think she contributed to the evening's outcome. I'm not there to be her therapist.
I'm hearing that she wants validation for her efforts as my practice partner. She deserves that. I probably don't show enough verbal appreciation for her help. Anything beyond that are her issues--her relationship with the teacher and other classmates.
She may not get everything she wants out of this. I'll keep trying to redirect her away from a blaming discussion to a let's get back on track one.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Jak, Matilda, and Piecing Friends, My W and I went dancing last night at a local R&B place--just the two of us instead of being part of a dance community. We had a great time.
Prior to going, my W worked with me on my basic steps that we're learning in class. She said that she was testing me to see if I'm being appreciative.
She still wants me to send the instructor an email or talk to her about how valuable and instrumental she's been to my dancing. Validation for this seems important to her. It seems like a small price to pay to repair the miscommunication we had in class last week.
In one sense, what happened is that I valued the instructor's feedback more than hers regarding a specific problem, and chose to ignore my W. She was hurt by this and acted-out in class. I now realize that she wants to be a dance mentor to me, and my appreciation of this is important to her.
I'll need to be attuned to this in class. When a WAS has been distant, and is beginning to reconnect it's easy to overlook their efforts. Hopefully, this recent conflict can be corrective for the R.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I suspect your wife will also want the instructor to verbalize publicly what a wonderful dancer your wife is. You are such a patient, caring man! I hope one day your wife will appreciate YOU!
Matilda, I think you're right about her wanting recognition from this instructor.
My W made the comment that I have some influence over how people perceive her in class. I have the power to share with others how helpful she is to me as a dance practice partner. I have the power to create an impression of how much or little I value her partnership in class, by how I treat her.
I think she's right. I will draft and send an email to the instructor letting her know about our practice history and habits. I think I'll avoid getting into the incident last week, and let it pass. I'm the one who has rapport with the instructor at this time, so will use my influence to help her feel more comfortable with the group.
We spent a fair amount of the weekend playing Scrabble.
She made an interesting comment recently. She said that she used to think that she wanted to be taken care of by an older man, but now realizes that they don't have the energy to do the things she likes to do. I didn't respond, but made a mental note.
I'm still asking acquaintances if they know anyone trying to quit smoking. I recently asked the grocery clerk, at the store where I shop weekly. I keep thinking a smoking cessation partner would be a good fit for her. She won't do it by herself. She would be more likely to partner with someone, than attend a support group or quit by herself. I'll keep asking for help.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
It sounds to me also that W is looking for validation from instructor.
Do you know what her child hood was like as she seems to need to be validated by everyone and this seems so very important to her. it seems like she missed this as a child. I feel a lot of us may have.
In any case this certainly seems to be her LL.
Glad the weekend went well for you.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Jak, Matilda, and Piecing Friends, I sent an email to the dance instructor telling her how helpful my W has been and is to me as a practice partner. The dance instructor was confused as to why I felt the need to say such things to her. My W was thrilled about it, and it seemed to meet whatever she was looking for. She said that it was important for me to say those things publicly about her. I didn't get into our conflict at the last class, but focused more on what I could say sincerely--that my W has been valuable to me as a practice partner.
We're back on-track with dance practice, and she's planning on returning to class. It is helpful taking a class with her now that my skill level has increased. It's helpful practicing the steps and combinations together, so that we are prepared for the next class. She is wary of the instructor, but I think if she sticks with the class, they'll develop a rapport. I know she respects this instructor's skill level.
This weekend I am accompanying she and her mother to visit her sister and children. It seems important to her that I attend, so I will, even though I'd rather stay back. I'll take a good book, my writing notebook, and some dance music, so I'll be fine. I'll probably play a board game with one of the teenagers.
My W's quite the Scrabble player. I'm getting better at Scrabble even though I often lose to her.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Matilda, Jak, and Piecing Friends, My W is intense about the Scrabble, but not unpleasant to play with.
At the lesson last night, we were working on a basic rumba step. This involves learning to move one's hips in a figure-eight pattern. My teacher says that I'll let her see just a little more of my uninhibited side, with each class. This class is a stretch for me, but I'm enjoying it a great deal. This class will help one to look like a dancer, instead of someone out there marching on the floor. I'll plan on practicing by myself almost daily, to work on the technique of the basic steps, and the hip movement.
The instructor had me hold her hips to feel how they worked. She then had me do the same with my W's hips. The instructor said that we could practice this at home. My W exclaimed that she doubted that I would do this exercise with her. I got the impression that she would like for me to this with her, but didn't think I was willing. We'll see if a seed is planted, or if any patterns change.
One of the guys in class made an interesting comment. He said that dancing is great therapy for inhibited, shy guys because it forces them to make a connection with a woman.
I don't see an end in sight for my dance lessons. I keep stretching and growing.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
