Totally Lost after 23 years

[CBK]

Thanks Steve - I actually read your entire post - took me almost a day!

I know she saw the OM last night. From my earlier snooping - this is a snoop free week - she said she wants to see him to miss her so she wants to keep enough there that he remembers her. But she wants distance so they both know what it feels like without the other. Her to see if she is okay alone, him to see if he is okay with his wife. This was very difficult as it came right out of her journal which she accidentaly left out and I came home early from work - so the context is really her thoughts. She has totally checked out of our M. I know she saw him last night because she had a function at her work and was about an hour late coming home. When we did our small talk, she seemed very distant. I almost said that she seemed distant, but thought better of it and after small talk, walked away. Should I have said that she seemed distant? She said I am not caring about her, but I also don't want to pry.

Everytime I get the OM out of my mind, he creeps back in. I have been trying the "stop" technique, but it always comes back. I keep telling myself this guy is scum - it does help a little, but know W is in "love" with this idiot. I have resigned myself, well, at least today, that I will not contact this other person or his wife, or, like you, go and beat the living tar out of him, which is so tempting somedays.

When you say reduce the negative feelings - toward who? Her, the OM, Me - all of the above? I get very resentful toward her. I can't understand why, after 23 years, she is so committed to leaving the relationship? This is the hardest part for me to swallow.

I did say in the last MC that my short term goal was to rebuild our friendship, and I really do mean it. But how do you do that when the OM is in the pic? You had the same problem. She is so closed to me right now, it is tough to rebuild when it is so one sided.

The next two are not even in my sights right now.

I will go to the bookstore today and pick up some more reading. Thanks for the suggestions - I am sure they will be a great help.

I do want to step up - this is going to be my new full-time job as one of my friends said. I need to quit feeling sorry for myself and, like you said, "man up" - but God is that tough when you are convinced that the other person has no desire to be around you.

The only meds I take is Ambian to sleep. I was sleeping about 2 hours a night, haven't taken the last couple of nights though. Still don't sleep well, but getting better.

Thanks for your post - means a lot.