Passion Gone

[Jen_Jam]

OK, my new thread. It's time to admit to myself that yes I saved my M, yes I came through H's mini MLC (no OW, by the way) and yes our marrige is a good one. We are good friends, we want and plan for our future together, life is rosy.

But one thing clouds this. I am not happy to ML 3 or 4 times a year, and mostly initiated by me. I do NOT want a D, I do NOT want to have an A. I want a marriage to my H where we laugh and ML at least twice a month. How much more specific can I be?

I have sat down today and written H a letter. I needed to write this to get my thoughts clear. Background: Last night we went out to dinner. We had a great night. In conversation our bad times came up, along the lines of "I feel much better about myself since the bad times". H rolled his eyes. I told him that of course he is forgiven but i will not forget the bad times as they had such a positive effect on my life. The conversation ended up back at home with me saying that I do love him but there is no spark and I don't know how to get it back. I think I scared H as he asked if I was coming to bed or was going to sleep on the sofa.

We are due a talk tonight. H loved to avoid all R talks, and during our bad times I realised this was neccessary. But now it's "my turn". Not in a revenge way, in a clear the air way.

Below is a condensed version of the letter I've written. I have no idea where to go from here so will welcome any input if you can bear with me.

"Dear H

The Past
It hurt. My biggest fear in life was rejection and it happened. But it made me face up to my fears and now I feel great. I'm sorry for the hurt I caused you prior to our bad times.

I really enjoyed Summer 2006. I knew I could make myself happy and did so. You seemd to sit about cluless about what to do and I felt sorry for you as you were struggling.

Then you recomitted. It was good to see you back to your old self - happy, tolerant, kind. Your attitude was "hurrah the bad times have gone" and there is NOTHING wrong with that. But you didn't want to talk about the bad times to me, to explain. During our bad times i was fine with taking a back seat but when they were over I felt pushed aside again.

So what does "my turn" mean? You've said before you want the past to be burried and forgotton, but I won't forget it because it gave me so many positives. I'm glad it happened. You are of course forgiven, I know you didn't mean to hurt anyone but you were so confused yourself it was difficult not to. It's FINE. You needed to go through that rough patch.

But i've burried my feelings for too long in order to accommodate yours. i've tried to explain how I feel and I have made a bad job of it. I want to be clear now, to state my boundaries and stand up for myself. I have been trying to treat you with kid gloves as you can get defensive and refuse to listen.

Your lack of sexual desire is a problem. You know this yet you do nothing about it. You are a great friend, good company, very loving towards me and more of a man these days. But i still feel like we are flatmates. I have asked several times for more intimacy, roamnce and ML from you. Yet still we're stuck.

At one point I would have welcomed advances from you. i will warn you now that you have an uphill struggle because I am turned off to you. I still find you attractive but there is no spark. I'll be happy to work towards one but can't do it alone. To see you treat this problem as serious and put in the effort I see the LBS's do on the DB site would be fantastic. I will be glad to help you as well. if there are things you would like ME to do differently then if you let me know I will be happy to consider them. But I can't read your mind.

So my turn means you do something about this. I have no fight in me anymore. I would like YOU to pick up the baton of making this M as great as it could be. I'm not looking for overnight miracles. I'm looking for tiny consistent changes that will stick. What I seem to get now is a token big effort for a few weeks then nothing.

I'm hope I'm clear on this. I do love you, I've just lost that passionate spark."

There is more in the letter, but it's a bit repetative - the main gist being I am not happy for him to bury his head in the sand and pretend our rough patch never happened. That I made a LOT of effort with myself and i would like to see him make some too instead of the burden of making this M great being on my shoulders all the time.

Yes I say burden. it is. I'm tired. I don't want to read any books about M saving anymore. I want a time out from M saving/improving. And I plan to take it. I am going to let H make the effort here. While he works it all out (and I know from experience it takes a looooooooooong time, I was an LBS who took ages to get it right) I am going to put my energies into ME. I am going to 2 parties today to see friends. Tomorrow H and I are going furniture shopping and I am going to make sure I enjoy myself. Next week - back to the gym, I have let my exercise classes slip of late. next weekend I am in Brighton for another party (without H, he works Saturdays) and the weekend after that at a hen party in Brighton again. I am going to enjoy myself with my friends, kick back, chillax and enjoy being the wonderful person I am.



Sorry for the long post - OK, any input on what to expect?