h and out daughter are going to his mother's today (there's a family funcion), this is the first time EVER that I haven't been invited. Obviously, under the circumstances (he's moving out monday), I get it.
I'm not hurt about this, but little things are wierd. Like I went into the bathroom and saw his scissors and shaving cream and realized that I won't be seeing these stupid things anymore. AS relieved in a way that he is going, there IS a sadness.
I am seeing that I haven't been happy (truly happy) in a very long time. He has been so shut down emotionally (I had illnesses) and is never there for me on an emotional basis (more than just the average guy) that it occured to me, that we really for the past couple of years have been living like roommates that have sex. The only time he is affectionate is during sex. It's always been that way.
But I know that I have my side of the street. I could have been more helpful around the house, I could have been more loving when I spoke to him, I could have done SO many things different. This whole experience since bomb dropped (2/28/2008) has really opened my eyes -- not just with the marriage, but with MYSELF.
So 3 weeks when I found out about the affair (which I believe has been going on since Jan.), the dynamics have changed. I was trying SO hard to db,Gal, etc, but after ONE therapy session when he sat there and literally said that he didn't think it was a problem that he "found someone else", I don't know, that was it for me.
So now I don't have to walk on pins and needles (db'ing feels like that at times), now I can just LIVE in my house like normal.
But I still feel sad. I'm sure I'll cry today. We have had many good times together, but the thing I will miss the very, very most is the laughs. We both have this sarcastic sense of humor and that is really what I'm really going to miss.
