Very good advice from GFI. I have been up most of the night and have been reading another person's story and then I read yours. I had my suspicions pretty quickly, but I told myself to hold off and finish reading the entire story to see if you caught on. But, first let me go on to something else before I get ahead of myself. BTW, I hope I make sense b/c I'm about to pass out now from lack of sleep.
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I calmly said calm down, it's not a big deal, I know Y is winding you up but calm down. 'I'm in a mood cause I live with you, your a Fxxxer, your a fxxxer to live with'. All this in front of the boys. She then got out a toy to play with with the words 'I'll get x out for you as dad never does' !!!
This really concerns me the way the talk goes on in front of the boys. You know that is the pattern that is being set for their future with their W's. They will copy what that have grown up seeing set before them. They also see their mom disrespect their dad very, very badly. So, what you need to do is to get her alone in private and get her undivided attention and let her know this is unacceptable behavior as a mother and you will not allow it to happen again. Draw the line in the sand. Set that boundary and demand her respect in front of your sons! You really need to go to the web that is called Making her Happy and get the free email. He knows what women want and need. He is very plain spoken but he is great. Anyway, she may fight you on this, but it is one thing I would not stand for a minute. You do not need to fight with her in front of the boys. If she starts causing a scene......I would send the boys immediately out of the room, and then I would get her undivided attention and let her know that she will show respect for you if the two of you are going to remain under the same roof and co-parent your sons. I am not suggesting that you beat her or abuse her in any way, but if she has ever respected you at all and knows when you are dead serious.......you better let her know you mean business or she is going to walk all over you and she will do it in front of your children, your family and your friends....it will get that bad if you don't end it now.
Okay, I hate doing this but I suppose I am going to have to be the bad guy here and spell it out to you sweetie, she is having an affair. Remember, I was almost a WAW and I see the signs. Look at her lifestyle! Even if she started out with her "friend"....what do you think they are doing, Arthur? Personally, I think her so called friend is just a cover for her in case she ever needs it. If she isn't in an A with OM.....she is on the prowl. A mother of two sons does not live the life style she is living (going out dressed like she is) and not be on the prowl! So, even though you have not wanted to face it, it is staring you in the face anyway.
Now first, you said that you would leave if you thought she was having an affair. You didn't think she was b/c when you confronted her, she told you she only kissed the man and it didn't feel right. She lied! She knew she had been caught and so she said just enough to make you feel better and think it was all okay again. But, this really is all about her and she is not doing it to make you look bad or to hurt you. Even though it does.....that is not the reason for the life style she is living and the possible EA/PA. It sounds like a MLC, but I won't say that it is for certain. However, the outburst and mood changes all account for the double life she is living. If she gets upset at OM, or disappointed, or wore out for lack of rest and sleep due to her late night (well you insert the word _____), then of course she is going to snap and be cranky with her family.
When I was considering leaving my H, one of the first things that was told to me was that I could not love two men at the same time. Therefore, the OM was looking good to me (simply b/c he fed my ego) while my H was looking worse all the time. She is going through that now. Plus, she is helping you to look worse in her eyes to justify her own actions (in her mind to deal with the guilt).
She wants her freedom in order to "play" as she wants to, without you as the baggage. Sorry, for being so blunt. I know you love this woman and want to keep her in your life, so you are trying to be blind to what is really happening. You said you did not like her friends b/c they were a bad influence. She has chosen them, just as she chose the lifestyle she is living. It will catch up with her. You also need to be careful or you will find yourself falling into the same pit.
To snoop or not to snoop.....that is the question. All the wise DB's say do not snoop. My H snooped and he read some very private and sexual messages that I sent to my OM. He has already had one open heart surgery and he almost had to have another one after reading all of that. Then he went crazy going through everything I owned, and the phone bills.......had the OM checked out, etc. Now, I am talking about a Clark Kent type of man that you would never think of reacting like that, but he did. Want to know how I reacted when he confronted me about what he had done and what he had found out? I came as close to hating him as I ever dreamed that I could. I was so furious that he violated my privacy and snooped into my affairs that I could not stand the sight of him. Did it take care of the problem.....nope. Did it make things worse between us....yep. Did it drive me into the arms of the OM? Almost. It certainly stepped up the R with my OM. It never led to a PA, but it was well on its way to that before I ended it.
I told you all of that to say this. How you handle this information is up to you. You can continue to deny it and think she is just out with "friends" all night long. You can snoop until you get enough information to confirm your suspicions and then confront her and make matters worse. You can leave her and file for D. Or........you can act "as if" you will be fine with or without her and essentially do the same advice that I gave Stonecamp. In taking that same advice, you can become attractive to her again and you can prove that you are the better man. But Author, she must respect you in order to fall in love with you and if you think you have lost some of that respect, you have to get it back. You can do it and not be abusive! Just be firm and let her know what the boundaries are.
As far as her lifestyle and her seeing OM, you really can't control her b/c if she wants to see OM.....she will figure out a way to do it. It just causes her to be more sneaky.
Don't' do or say anything that would look clingy, weak or needy in her eyes. Don't over-kill with the compliments.....especially when you suspect she is going to see OM...I certainly would not tell her how great she looked or give her money and tell her to have a good time. But, if she dolls up for a family affair or some other function that you know is decent and respectful....then I would give her the compliments, etc.
Well, I'm sorry for being the one to bring this out so plainly, but as I said, I think you knew in your heart. You have the power to draw her back to you and desire you again if you are willing to work very hard to improve yourself. I know that sounds unfair since she has been the one to stray, but something has caused her to desire this activity that she is doing so often away from her family. It is not appropriate for a woman of her age....a married lady....and a mother. It won't work to preach to her and try to lay down the law about that part. That part of her life, IMHO, you will have to draw her out of it by becoming a very desirable man in her eyes and one that she will want to be with at nights instead of going out without him.
I would be careful about how you conduct your own lifestyle in case it should come to a matter of child custody.....which I pray it doesn't. If you can hang in there for a long time.....and I mean a looooong time....I think you have a chance. It will be very hard and as I told Stonecamp....there is no magic cures for this sort of thing.....just a lot of hard work, the right timing, and lots of patient.
The decision is up to you if you think she is worth it or not. How valuable is your wife, your M, and your family? That will determine you answer. If you say they are everything for you, then be prepared for the hardest battle you have ever fought....the mountains you will have to climb and the valleys you will fall into.
As far as the percentage of success rate by using the DB technique, I don't think they have any way of knowing. However, I believe it is the best. Marriage Builders is wonderful and you can print off a lot of information and I think you can even get a workbook.....but that was a long time ago that I checked. Anyway, it runs hand in hand with DB, it just uses different terminology.
Please keep coming back and posting. People here really care and will help you all that they can. I hope you will take the post I have sent (even though it wasn't what you wanted to hear) as a challenge in your life and you will gear up, man-up, and step-up to stand for your marriage. Hit the gym and work out that body so you will look very attractive, dress nice, stay groomed very well, wear good cologne, use good manners, always be upbeat and positive, act "as if" you are enjoying life (even though you aren't), spend quality time with the boys, be fun when she is around the house. Don't be trying to get kisses or hug or asking for them (women hate that) and don't tell her you love her. No pursuing b/c that is pressure on here. Wait fo rher to make the first move about things of that nauture.
Speaking of the house.....I personally think you should do those jobs around there that you haven't done--thinking you would sell it, b/c that will appear that you are expecting to be there and if not and you should sell it.....that would help with the "curb appeal" ---as they call it.
I've got to go, it is after 6:00 am here and I am beat. I hope I will hear from you again. Please don't give up and throw in the towel. You can do this....I know you can if you want it badly enough. I will talk to you more later.
Take care.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
