Kalni--yay for high heels!!! (I don't have ANY, that's why I'm shopping for some for my hopeful meeting, as a visual 180--I've always wanted to get a pair, but I have procrastinated because I wanted to find something really comfortable and it seemed like such a big project.) I especially like the PEEP TOE. I hope that soon your H is peeping at things other than your toes!! Also love the aphrodisiac cinnamon cake combination!
Where! Thank you for the vibes!! Have an awesome yoga class today! I will be sending you some positive yoga vibes!
Ali--please don't feel like my life is shinier than yours! I am jealous that you get to see your B in person so frequently, and that you are having so much contact, and that you live by the sea, and that you are so organized with all of your real estate! I think what helped the most with the sleep was just getting on a schedule... I didn't think it would work but it really did, now my body gets tired every night and bedtime, it is amazing. the valerian helped too I am sure. I had some laying around from Bomb Time (when it seemed to have zero effect) but I think the combo was good. I am sorry to hear you are having trouble sleeping too!! Oh also working out has helped a lot!!! Have you tried that?
ONE DAY you make me laugh so loud!!! MOVED AND MELTED!!! I love that image!!! thank you so much for the vibes--you are such an inspiration!!!
I called him after yoga class, and he picked up the phone!!! And he is going to call me back tonight....???!!!! I feel ready to hyperventilate, I am trying to practice deep breathing and calm myself down....
I called him, he picked up, and I said, "I just called to say hi and see how you're doing!" he told me he was tired and that he was practicing, but had to be finished by 9 pm because of the "curfew" on noise in his apt. Then I said, "If you're up against a deadline, maybe I should let you go?" it was a little awkward for a while b/c I wasn't sure if we were going to have a little conversation or not.
Then he asked me how I was doing, and I told him about my concert last week with my piano quartet that went really well, and how I got so moved during the performance I almost lost control b/c I was so happy. And I also told him about our trip last week to Christian City, the retirement home, and how we played 5 concerts in one day and how one little old man told me that he played the musical saw and another one performed for us on his harmonica, and I said to B, "This isn't just a great audience, there's a lot of talent here, we should be collaborating!!" And then he laughed and I laughed too. I also said that being at the retirement community reminded me of his grandpa, who is a retired minister who runs services at a place like that.
Then I asked how he was doing, and he told me he had checked out a great apartment in the Queens borough of NYC (with a foozball table in the entryway and a big kitchen). He said that he couldn't do it in the end b/c he realized looking at the map that there were no parks for miles around. Where he lives now, he has lots of little parks, and can walk to the river, and central park too (he's in manhattan). Also the apt took a lot longer to get to than he thought it would.
He told me that things were going better now with his roommate, but there was a time in january where he was ready to leave. He said that he accepted the fact that this was his roommate's place, and that B was just subletting from roommate, and some things just weren't going to change. And he said since then, things have really shifted with his roommmate and been a lot more relaxed and easier.
He also said that his apartment was a "dump" and that his roommate was a "whiny b!tch" and I laughed. But inside I thought, this is good, this is REALLY good, I had actually been hoping he would see the other things in his life, not just the R, that were making him unhappy, and praying that there would be major improvement in his living situation. And I'm very happy that he is taking baby steps at least to address major things in his life (like a crappy apt/roommate situation) that are making him unhappy.
He told me that he was probably going to be in the apt for a while longer. And he mentioned two of the other people in his quartet, so I assume he is still in the quartet, but planning to stay in New York... which is good... no imminent departure for the midwest !!
All in all, just under 12 minutes.
At the end, I said, "here I am chattering away, I should let you practice"! And then he said, "will you be around later?" (???!!!) And I said, "yeah, totally," and then he said he would call me later (tonight, I presume) and I told him, "Feel free to call me anytime" which might have made things LESS clear, b/c it wasn't like I said "we'll talk tonight", but, I felt like I needed to slip that in sometime, to show that it was safe for him to call me whenever he wanted.
Overall, I think I did a good job being happy, friendly, relaxed. Maybe I talked too much at the beginning but I wanted to "set the tone" and show him that I was happy so he could feel comfortable. He wasn't as happy and excited as the last time we talked, but he was practicing late and already tired, so he didn't have to pick up the phone at all.
POSITIVES: -he picked up the phone -HE WANTED TO CALL ME LATER instead of just get off the phone -he is planning to be in NYC for "a while longer" -he is seeing things in his life that he could change to be happier (apt/roommate) -he is taking a step (with his apt/roommate) to make his life better by looking at another place to live -we laughed together numerous times -he shared something about his feelings (expressing frustration about his roommate and apt)
Definitely a different mood than last time, nothing like, "I'm so glad to hear you're alive" or "It's good to hear your voice" but... I am not going to overanalyze that. He was probably already a little happy/excited last time from just coming out of a performance and feeling totally surprised.
DEEP BREATH DEEP BREATH DEEP BREATH
I am focusing on: connecting
and building another tiny little bridge of friendship.
I'm so proud of you! Sounds like you had a wonderfully friendly attitude on the phone.. and the conversation lasted much longer than I initially thought when he said that he was busy practicing before the 9pm curfew.
I think the conversation sounded great!! It is totally a plus that he is planning on calling you now.. you did a wonderful job of leaving the ball in his court!!! And the fact that he opened up about how he is resolving issues with his roommate.. and that they had been making him miserable... nice that he recognizes there were/are other stresses in his life and that there are ways to work through them.
You sound so cheerful.. so loving.. how could anyone NOT want to talk to you!! You are building a bridge of friendship!!!!!!
Thank you SO much for your words of encouragement!!!
OK, so he called me back and we talked for HALF AN HOUR.
THE CONVERSATION:
When he called, I picked up and said "Hey!" And told him that my new phone (DROPPING HINTS ABOUT 180's... he's been bugging me to get a new phone FOREVER) which has a super awesome ring that makes me want to dance. And then I told him that I was making miso soup, He asked me if I add my own seaweed...
Then I asked him how he was, and he told me he had just gotten off the phone with his parents. And he told me about how his grandparents had just moved into the retirement community that his grandpa used to be the pastor of, and his grandparents house sold the same day that they put it on the market! He said his grandparents were really happy to be living in their new one bedroom in the community, and how they already knew everyone there becuase grandpa has been pastoring there for years already.
He asked me if I had seen the movie The Savages, which is about two estranged siblings trying to talk their cantankerous father into going into a retirement community. He told me about watching it with one of his friends from church in Boston (GOOD, he is connecting with his spiritual community) and how much he loved the ending. He also said he is going to a red sox game in Boston with this same church friend (AGAIN, GOOD that he's spending time with people who really care about him).
He asked me if I had seen any good movies lately so I told him about Persepolis (awesome animation about growing up in Iran) and then Be Kind Rewind (disappointing, considering the potential awesomeness of a Jack Black-Michel Gondry combination).
Then he told me he wanted to share a song with me that he thought was really beautiful, which a guy friend of his had given to him on a mix CD. (AGAIN, good, b/c I have been hoping he has been spending more time with his good friends). He talked to me about how much he loved the tricky groovy rhythm of the bass line and the poem of the song, which is called "electricity really works!" So he emailed me a mp3 of this song by a poet/mc/hiphop artist. Also in the email was a link to B's new myspace page. I looked at his myspace page, and made comments about the comments others had made on the page ... one from his little brother, another from someone I didn't know whose profile picture was a picture of a bunch of ... oxen?? There was a third commenter, a pretty asian girl violinist (SCARY!!) but I didn't say anything about that.
I listened to the song while we were on the phone, and there was kind of a lull where he started working on his myspace page. I told him how much I liked the song, and said, thank you for sharing that with me, that was beautiful! Then I sent him a link to a silly youtube video of the vegetable orchestra... It is seriously a group of musicians and all of their instruments are made out of fresh vegetables!!! I told him to watch it at his leisure, and fastforward through the first minute. I told him it wasn't as beautiful as the song he shared with me, but just something funny, for fun.
Then he said, "it was nice to talk" and I said something like, "It was great to chat with you" and then there was an awkward pause and he kind of chuckled and said, "so I'll call you sometime?" and I said, "that sounds awesome" and then, "have a good night, take care, B!" and we got off the phone.
Wow.....
So, definitely a different vibe from the first call. A lot calmer, not as much excitement and laughing, but that's OK. I was laughing a lot, but he was just chuckling occaisionally.
It felt surprisingly comfortable... the way he was sharing with me stuff about his family, and what he loves about certain movies and songs.
I really barely talked about myself at all. Mostly I just made validating comments like "wow", "mhm", "cool!" "yeah" etc. So gave him space to talk about whatever he felt comfortable talking about, and let him take the conversation wherever he wanted. There were some long pauses, but they didn't make me uncomfortable. In the past I would have bombarded him with details of everything that happened to me today and all of my "problems".
MY CONCERNS: It was so comfortable, I am almost worried about slipping back into old, bad patterns. I think I need to think more about why I felt that, and figure out what vibe I was setting up, or what pattern I was playing into, so I can create a different situation, for a different pattern.
So... I am wondering... if I am showing enough CHANGES. None of my GAL activities are necessarily surprising--I was doing grad school, cello, yoga, aerobics all before the bomb. i guess anything different is good--my new phone, my new MISO habit. Listening more. Hm....
Next time I have to try to be the first to get off the phone. he was ALWAYS the first to get off the phone during the R. It's tricky though because I feel like I need to say something first to show him that it's safe and set the tone as light and friendly. And then if I am getting off the phone during "his turn" it is like I don't want to hear what he's saying.
POSITIVES: -I feel like he gave me an "opening" by sharing that song with me. Sharing songs could be a new way we could connect together... !! -we talked for half an hour -he told me about his family -he's hanging out with good friends of his (and all the ones he talked about are GUYS) -he wanted to share something with me that he thought was beautiful -he expressed interest in calling me in the future
So... what's next? I definitely need to listen to the tracks I don't recognize on his myspace page, so I am prepared to comment on them during our next conversation. And maybe think about some songs to send him... I have been getting really into ethiopian jazz, I could pick a few favorites.
Then I will probably wait to give him a chance to call. If it gets "too long", then i will reach out.
overall, I think this was a big success!! Going from 5 months of NC, to a 6 minute positive conversation 5 months ago, to a total of 42 minutes on the phone today... that is... 7 times as much talking as we did last time!
I'm sorry this is SOOOOOOO long guys... !!!!!
thank you all SO MUCH for reading, caring, supporting, sharing, you are all AMAZING treasures....
Wow! Thats amazing T ! When I read the first post, I didnt think he would call you back.. eventhough he said he was practising you ended up chatting for a while, and then he did call you back for a further 1/2 hour !!!?? Thats incredible! He didnt have to do that, he'd already spoken to you for 10 minutes earlier, he could've easily said, speak to you soon, as in a week, or few weeks time.
Its too early to judge what any of it means but its really something that you are back in touch now. And as you say, you can work on building a friendship with him again. Its also good that hes sharing with a crummy flatmate (not living with a girl!) and sounds to me like he could be single, reading between the lines, but again, too early to say.
I'm so happy for you!! Sounds like it went really well and that you feel you presented yourself in an upbeat and chatty way, just as you hoped to.. making it "safe" for him to speak to you.
Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
nothing but positives... Small but postives. I am very pleased with you calling as you said you would and I am pleased that he called back as he said he would.
He opened up and shared stuff with you for sure. 30 minutes on the phone sounds like someone was trying to make contact with a dear... friend? Hopefully. Sending the song to me sounded intimate.
Next time will be easier for you and you will be able to shine even more. I would definitely try to keep in touch in a way where he doesn't need to respond. Like " this is song I like, I hope you like it too", did you notice? No question.
Then something else, something else, THEN a question, then a call, build up communication patterns...
That is so amazing! I am so proud of you for calling B, and for being so upbeat during the conversation. And getting him to call you back and speak for a whole half hour- amazing! B must have been really keen to speak to you and share what he's doing with you. Totally brilliant baby steps happening there!
I like the plan of waiting for a while to see if he calls you- leaving things warm and open was good- (the feel free to call me anytime line- great!). I wouldn't worry too much about Asian girl. She's not as hot as you right? (She's not!). Or too much immediately about making lots of 180s with your GAL. Let him get the information out of you bit by bit- men like a hunt don't they? So leave a trail for him to track until you let him catch you (that's from the B!TCH book!)
Don't be afraid. You CAN and ARE doing this. It's so great and I am so happy for you!I have a big smile on my face thinking of you and B talking miso soup and seaweed on the phone. And Ethiopian Jazz and an orchestra made of vegetables?! I hope there wasn't an aubergine in there!
Fantastic T! Roll on next week and more calls.
(((hugs)))
L.xx
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart. And you'll never walk alone.
It's funny.... if it's possible, I think I may have been possibly just a touch TOO centered and independent and unswayable in my emotions. The whole boundary thing was really a core value... I felt like for me to give that up for the wrong reason would mean I was betraying myself. So it wasn't until the bombs, which shook me to the core, that I was able to reexamine that.
T - you are a bit of a mystery to me! Its a bit hard to imagine what you are like in person, but on this board you come across as the most lovely, sensitive, warm, caring person who wants to spread love, but then sometimes you write things that suggest you dont think you were giving enough to your R?!? And I have trouble imgaining that if you were so centered and independent that you ended up on a DB board, trying to save your relationship.
Maybe you feel like you were centered and independent pre-bomb, but after the bomb you realised how much you wanted BF in your life?!?! I dont know. I guess I'm thinking that maybe you are confusing being controlling with being independent and centered?!? Does that make sense?
What have you attributed to your part in the breakdown of your relationship?
Anyway so so so so so so so excited about the positives of your phone-call! Yay! You did fantastic, and you got such a great response!
