I hate exercise, but it's on my list of changes. I'm trying not to overwhelm myself and take on so many self-improvment projects that I can't sustain them. I'm starting by walking with a friend most workdays for about 30 min.
I'm really focused these days on trying to find a spiritual mindset/path that works for me. I'm also going to the Divorce group, which is I think a total of 3 months and I am going to Depression recovery seminars which is 8 weeks.
I really want to move closer to work - need to find some time to talk to lender and realtor. I say every week that I am going to make the phone calls but get so busy at work that I don't move forward. The snow is finally starting to melt so time to get going on this. I'm about to have some maintenance work done on my house and I am starting to get rid of some stuff that I don't want and clutters up the place. Next step is to pack up H things and have him remove them. It's been six months now since he moved out.
Neither H or I have much contact with his sons. That whole sitch was difficult and embittered H. The boys were raised by their mother in Europe and live there now. After we married, they visited us a couple of times each which was huge progress. I don't know if that would have happened if I hadn't been in the picture and I'm not looking for "credit" but that truth seems to have been neglected in the "my wife isolated me from my family" story that H has built in his own mind. For a while, I tried to email sons on a regular basis but that didn't seem to work at building or sustaining a family connection and H wouldn't make any effort at it.
Still not much contact with H last couple of weeks. I haven't initiated. He stopped by office last week to talk about the tax refund and decided to split it with me. His choice. I don't know if he also wanted to be nice or if he just didn't want to accept generosity from me. Guess it really doesn't matter. He also stopped by yesterday while I was at a meeting - left me a gift of sorts that he said he got in Fla. It was something that nobody who knows my taste, my style, etc would choose for me. I haven't acknowledged it. I'm not sure if I should or not - it might be good for him to make an overture that doesn't get a response from me. If he wants a reaction, maybe he will try again. My goal is for him to initiate casual contact with me - even if it is only a phone call to say hello, how are you.
me: 47 H: 48 he has 2 grown sons M 1995(my 1st, his 3rd) hit iceberg 6/07 S 9/26/07 before now
maybe he things the path back to you would be too difficult and is looking for you to make it a little easier for him? Maybe he maybe looking for a sign from you that you want him back in life, he may think that you have moved on so much without him that you wouldn't want him back?
I would acknowledge the gift, maybe a friendly text to start? It sounds like a lot of thought went into it. He was obviously thinking of you to buy you a gift, he didn't have too.
I think the work on the house, inside and out is positive, mental housekeeping we call it, it's so good for you and will make you feel mentally lighter. Not sure if I would pack up H's things yet, unless you are really ready for that?
More later, we have had a downfall of snow and the kids are calling to play.
Let me know how the text/call goes.
xxxx
P/A confirmed 5/03/08
03/08 H said affair over, I dont think it is, h still doesn't want marriage
T: 13 M: 8 D:20 & 17 from Previous M S: 8 & 4 BS: May 07 ILYBNILWY S: 13/10/07
Hello Seek, I have been absent far to long. I was reading the posts and see things haven't really moved in any direction which I amagine is an issue for you. Friends can really help and finding something that keeps the mind and body busy. Would you consider H to be apathetic or is his view of himself and the marriage much different?
I think his view is different - he believes that he worked on the M and gave it a "chance". When I said once that I was upset that he was taking our M vows lightly, he said that he didn't think 12 years together was taking it lightly. I would not equate time spent to commitment or effort. I'm sure that he also believes that he "tried" by going to 5 sessions of MC, but I don't think he put anything of himself into that process. Etc. My impression is that he basically wants to stay on the surface of things.
Today I called him by mistake. He is home sick again - 2nd time with pneumonia in 4 months. He mentioned that he needs to get some things from the house, so I took the opportunity to say that, altho I wasn't really prepared to discuss it with him yet, I was gearing up to sort/pack things and get the house ready to put on the market. I just kind of blurted it out. So, I crossed that bridge without having to agonize over what to say, when to say it, how to say it. I'll still have to actually do the work and have a more specific discussion with him, but I set the stage.
I am starting to feel more like my old self again. It's great to have Spring arriving finally. It's been a long Winter - both literally and metaphorically. . . .
me: 47 H: 48 he has 2 grown sons M 1995(my 1st, his 3rd) hit iceberg 6/07 S 9/26/07 before now
hello Seek, glad to see you are doing better and adjusting if you can call it that. Sorry to here he has pneumonia again, I wouldn't wish that on anyone. This road we are on sure is a long one. I guess seasons are good for causing change. Seek I thought I was seeing my relationship with my fiance'/girlfriend but this past week something strange happend. Strange being an understatement and I have no idea what I need to do other than give her space. She was bubbly, loving, and close with me the weekend before last and then one evening everything changed. Now she is irrited if I try to talk to her, get close to her or just romantic in any way. I have no idea what I may have done or said, I have no idea if the problem was just my presence. She won't talk to me, she won't return my text messages its just strange. At one point I got so frustrated I wondered why I was still hanging in. I then came to my senses, I thought of the enormous loss, waste, and just want to remain strong and faithful to her even if it does get tough. I can't think of anyone else in my life but her, the idea is disturbing to say the least. Ahhhhh, I just hope that whatever is on her mind is worked out and that she finds some peace. Would be nice to talk with her as well, I miss that......
Kind of low mood today - this would all be easier if I didn't still love the man. But, then I wouldn't be trying to DB, would I? He finally came by the office to get his mail today. I wasn't around so he left a note that he wants to come by the house this w/e and get some stuff, see the dogs. I called and asked him what he had in mind to take out of the house on Saturday. All he would say is that he needs to see what he still has there. Like he can't recall what he has for possessions. Oh well - this is really one of my first real chances to DB. I have begun to let go in my mind - or at least greatly loosened my grip - and now I have to make my actions and words reflect that. I have been very resistant in the past to anything that highlights or makes real his separation from me. So, on the phone today, I tried to sound as casual as I could about him moving all the way out.
One of the things I've realized is that I can't do the "be friends" routine. I don't know what that says about me or our marriage, but I just can't relate to him on that level. We aren't fighting, I'm not hostile, I truly care about him and I think that shows in our interactions, but . . . . For example, I haven't seen where he lives and I wouldn't want to, even if I were invited. We have only 5-10 minute conversations very occasionally and I wouldn't want to spend more time than that with him under the circumstances. I think that would all change if he made moves back toward me, but while he is so distant I don't even want more. Does that mean that my love is conditional after all?
me: 47 H: 48 he has 2 grown sons M 1995(my 1st, his 3rd) hit iceberg 6/07 S 9/26/07 before now
I would imagine that with time when the hurt starts to go away the view that you have of the situation changes. You are living without him at his choice. There is nothing you can do about it and you just move on when you see that he won't change. Doesn't mean you love him any less or any more. He made his choice and you are learning to change, learning to accept the new role you have in life. The friends routine doesn't work so well when you were more than friends in the past. Being nice works, communicating from time to time is nice but friends and what not just doesn't seem to put things in the proper place. The only reason I do anything with my x-wife is because we share the kids otherwise I wouldn't know where she lived, and still have no idea where she works. Some things I just don't need to know. So for now it sounds like you two are headed down two different paths. I hope at some point down this path you find peace knowing you did all that you could to save a marriage and can move forward. While still caring for him he made his choice and he has to live with it unless he changes his mind which would be nice but he doesn't seem to be gravitating in that direction. As for me and the lady I am/was dating we are at the fork in the road and she is working on a decision. Sucks when you are not part of the decision making and along for the ride. Have a good day SEEK, it does get better......
Thanks, Jbly. I am really working on my thinking, recognizing that what you focus on expands. I am also trying to stay in the present and not get so hung up on the past or worry about the future. I've never really believed that "everything happens for a reason" - but maybe I need to trust the universe more. I am stressed today because I don't know what to expect when he comes to the house or even when he will show up, so I am trying to go about my own business and not think about him at all. But, there is this dread/anxiety in the pit of my stomach, anyway.
Just realized - I have no plans for the weekend. Maybe I should try to think of something I would enjoy doing this evening so that I have something to look forward to.
Good luck with your lady friend - it sounds like you are in a much better place emotionally than when you first introduced yourself. Maybe time and space will help you both.
me: 47 H: 48 he has 2 grown sons M 1995(my 1st, his 3rd) hit iceberg 6/07 S 9/26/07 before now
So, H ended up being here while I was out. He came in the morning when past experience made me think he would be here around noon or 1:00. The first clue I had was that some snow was moved, but his mail was still here, so I called and asked him if he had been here. He said yes and that he had brought some stuff back with him. He said a couple of times that he assumed that I had chosen to be away while he was here. I said - do you think that I don't want to see you? He didn't respond directly. So, no encounter - awkward or otherwise. I was anxious at the thought of it and really felt that I shouldn't be around him if I couldn't be calm and relaxed. At the same time, I really wanted a chance to be in his company and have it go well. So, the anxiety of "performing" today was gone, but the deeper sadness of a broken down marriage was very much with me today. I worked a lot on my thinking today, but honestly I wasn't thinking, I was just feeling. I think that starting the process of moving him out - instead of just thinking about it - just feels like another step toward D. I don't have any reason at all to hope for another outcome.
me: 47 H: 48 he has 2 grown sons M 1995(my 1st, his 3rd) hit iceberg 6/07 S 9/26/07 before now
LOL, yes those fealings can be so conflicting. You know what should happen but wonder what if this happened. Probably best that you were not there but bad that assumptions were made as to why. You would have thought he would call to see where you were and to let you know what was being removed from the house since you were not there. I don't know, just not my nature, he seems so passive to the point of running from something, but you have said he has been this way for a while or at least thats how I remembered it. Anyway at least you can look forward to activities on your own and stay active which is good for you. I know I didn't like the thought of doing things without the lady that I was seeing. So many things that you share with each other, so many things that are of similar interest to experience and suddenly that added intrigue is not there, that added spice is gone and added humor of someone's point of view is absent. Yep it sucks but you learn to live without it. There are times where I will see something or hear it and think of picking up the phone to share only to remember things are not the same anymore. We still talk and email but for now she is getting the space she needs to work things out. For me I have found new things to do and I am having fun doing them. I do miss her terribly. For now its a trust issue for her from a marriage that failed and another relationship before me so I don't think its going to work unless she can take that step and trust me enough to move forward. If she can't make that step we can't move on which is sad.
