I do actually think that it is possible to love one person your whole adult life, but it is chancey. The truth is the people grow and change - sometimes not in the way we expect or want. IMHO, many of us marry someone (particularly women) whose potential we fall in love with. Men and women, equally, fall in love with people who provide them with something they can't give themselves (and no, I do not mean sex!). This is not a mature love, but a love that - it seems to me - few people outgrow.
I am not sure that it even has much to do with age; rather, it is about emotional maturity. For myself, I was really not together when I married stbx. I was unhappy with myself in many ways. I felt that he needed someone to take care of him, which I did. I was undemanding, to the point of being disrespectful to myself, and allowing him to be also. The breakdown of my M was not all my fault - not by a long shot! - but my decision to marry him in the first place was probably not a good one, in retrospect.
No one here can know what will happen with you and your H, but I do believe that you can find lasting love, either with him or with someone else. It will depend more upon your own emotional place, and that of your partner, than on any kind of rules about love (IMHO, of course).
Take care of yourself, Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Princess Nic, that was so on target. I believe you can love one person as well, but as you grow and change that you do it together to help strengthen and deepen the bond. Since we are posting here, that is not what has happened for most of us. What you and the rest of the other spouses need to decide is this the relationship I want/am willing to grow with or without.
I wish I could tell the future GFI and tell you it would all be better, but as you know I can't (I would have seen the troll coming!). Unfortunately there is no rule book to love and we just make it up as we go along. Identify what it is that you want and need and then see if H is willing to meet you 1/2 way. If not, then move on and someone else will.
I also TOTALLY agree with putting a time limit or date on things. When I was pregnant with my DD, my MIL told me something that really helped, she said you can do anything, as long as you know there will be an end. As long as you have a goal date either spoken or in your head, you can do whatever it is you need to do to save the R or know in your heart you are done. For me, I have to know that I did EVERYTHING I could/would reasonably do to save it before I'm done. That way when I go there are no regrets, I can say that I did my best and it wasn't enough. No harm, no foul.
Where in Oildale did you live? You are more than welcome to come and visit me too! How do I give you my email?
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
I lived across the street from Standard Jr. High - a little side street off N. Chester. When I was a sophmore, we moved to Bako but I still went to North.
I've seen others post their email addys like this, so here goes:
EDITED - email addresses are NOT ALLOWED. You must comply with the Divorcebusting.com: Board Rules if you would like to continue the privilege of posting here.
Last edited by sgctxok; 04/19/0806:54 PM.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
I had lunch with a great friend of mine today. He and his wife tell me they think I'm the total package - smart, sweet, fun and attractive and can't imagine why my H would be doing this. I've known them since I was 19 so they know me well. I would like to believe what they say - they're both intelligent and wonderful. My friend asked how things were and I explained my H's lack of communication and silence. He wondered how I could tolerate living like this. The truth is, I can't tolerate it much longer.
I'm hoping to have a conversation with H on Sunday. I'm thinking I need to clear the air about the assumptions he's making about me. The longer the silence continues, the harder my heart becomes. This week I have felt hatred for my H. Not good.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
I have felt this recently too a couple of times, mostly during being angry, both times I resisted the urge to tell him - by text of course his only method of communicating, you are trying to make me hate you as much as you hate yourself. I didnt say it but I thought it both times.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
I'd whack your counselor upside the head. I've found the online coaches here to be very helpful, especially when the doldrums hit. It gets me back on target.
My new mantra.. YOGA! and eating right!... breathing!
I'm hoping to have a conversation with H on Sunday. I'm thinking I need to clear the air about the assumptions he's making about me.
Hey Girlie!
What are you planning to say? It might help to write it down and get some feedback. R talks can be difficult, although I agree that sometimes - esp if you are feeling hatred - they are necessary.
I hope you have a good day.
Hugs, Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
You ARE the total package.. my goodness, it jumps off the screen! My brother keeps asking me, how often are you going to analyze why the horse is dead. My answer is.. "Because I'm always surprised it is!"
A dead horse doesn't indicate a divorce, dead marriage, a difficult time. It's just that no matter how many times I whack at it, it doesn't change the fact that the horse isn't changing. And no, the horse may be in a coma, meditating, focusing on crapping.. not dead. All the time you give to that unmovable horse does nothing for you... or your wonderful vital energy.
Repeat after me..
"It's not about him.. it's about me."
Now practice that a few times. Now try..
"It's about me, not about him."
Uh huh.. keep repeating.. Now try..
"It's about me.. for me.. what I need."
Keep doing it.. you're worth it!
You are wonder incarnate. Think of yourself first, give yourself the oxygen mask before handing everything over to others. Let that beautiful spring of light and delight flow from you.. feel your joy in this terrible time.
Because you are wonderful..
You are worth it..
You are the total package.
It's not your withdrawn spouse's job to acknowledge it..
What are you planning to say? It might help to write it down and get some feedback. R talks can be difficult, although I agree that sometimes - esp if you are feeling hatred - they are necessary.
I hope you have a good day.
Hugs, Nicola
Hi Princess!
I'm not exactly sure what I'd like to say... I'll think it over today and post later. Any feedback is always welcome.
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
You are wonder incarnate. Think of yourself first, give yourself the oxygen mask before handing everything over to others. Let that beautiful spring of light and delight flow from you.. feel your joy in this terrible time.
Because you are wonderful..
You are worth it..
You are the total package.
It's not your withdrawn spouse's job to acknowledge it..
It's yours to live!
*hugs*
Ohhhhh, thank you! I'll repeat this many times today. I promise!
M: 37 H: 36 Married: Aug 13, 2004 Decision to Divorce: July 20, 2008 Reconciled: September 2008 Current: Ambivalence
