I went to a 5 day seminar on Health and Vitality in Midlife at Kripalu in MA. I had no expectations, aside from a very full itinerary of sessions and scheduled activities. What a wonderful learning experience it was.
I learned so much about nutrition, eating right, cooking right, living in a way that promotes incredible health now and for my future. Just the whole method of the deep breathing astounded me.. initially because I couldn't take a breath, and then with the way that breathing correctly allowed so many emotions to just drift up.. in a gentle way, like raindrops of tears.. almost soothing in their release.
The focus was on me, not the kids, not "Kevin".. and as the days progressed.. oh my goodness, I just shed the need to carry the weight of this divorce on my shoulders.
I am so sad about this turn of events in my life. Yet I feel so much joy in what I discover within myself. Two images came to mind when I was journaling.
A dirty bottle of Dom Perignon stuck in tar muck, tilted off kilter... yet when you pop the cork, inside is lightness, effervesence, joy. The exterior can be scoured and clean, but what is within is what is most important. Just because this situation sucks doesn't mean my life, my vitality has too, too!
A large welcoming tree, with bark showing some signs of its age. The branches are wide and strong, sheltering. The leaves are thick and full, singing a song in the breeze. Yet within, the core has rotted, it's hollow, empty.
I think the tree shows how I feel with an awareness I didn't have when I was married. I would do anything for family, even drift into a non-intimate relationship. I'm thinking I want to be a spring, bubbling renewal and goodness to all around me.
I learned what being 'centered' is. Like the airline attendants say.. In case of a loss in altitude, put the mask on yourself first.
So much of this situation has been a ping-pong of emotion, always reacting to what is thrown my way. Now I realize, I can breath deeply in a way that calms me, centers me.. being in the moment. If someone is doing something hurtful, I can look at their behavior and realize they have their own journey. As long as I hold the calm within, then I choose how to.. or not.. respond to provocation.
