After 3 long years, H is home

[GoingForward]

(((Neecy and Kris))), thank you both. Your support and understanding helps tremendously.

Don't beat yourself up for getting angry.

I find it very interesting that you said this.

Many times, I feel as though I'm getting a beating for not being the ideal W, whatever that means. My faults, or my way of doing things, that H isn't satisfied with are constantly rubbed in my face, so the majority of the time, I feel like I am always wrong and am a failure. I told him I feel like I can't win with him. I feel like I can't do anything right or quick enough to please him. I'm a SAHM, but multitasking is not a quality I possess (I can only handle one thing at a time), and by his own admission, the same rings true for H with patience.

You HAVE seen the H you wanted since he came back, so keep that in mind.

I will try to do this, and as a matter of fact, this side of H actually peeked out a little today. He was already gone for work, but when I got into my car to pick my sons up from school, I noticed that I had a full tank of gas.

AOS is one of H's LLs. This is not only how he feels love, but it is also how he shows it.

I called and left him a VM to say thank you and told him I really appreciated him doing that. He hasn't called back, but I don't expect him to.

Is he against going to counseling?

Completely against it. He often says he will do anything to better our R.....Anything but this.

So something's got to change here, and I think for the moment, it's on me to get the ball rolling. Time to act as if and pull some 180s. Actually did one earlier, and it worked.

H was getting ready to leave to Home Depot this morning but couldn't find his key to the car, so he came back inside asking if I knew where it was. I said no, I never use that key, only mine. Less than 5 seconds later, he goes to the fridge and grabs his key from on top, as if he knew where it was the whole time.

I asked him why did he ask me where it was when he already knew. I could tell that irritated him a little because he clenched his jaw briefly then said, "Look, I just came off graveyard this morning, so sometimes my mind is kinda blank. It just hit me that I put it there yesterday. I wasn't trying to start anything with you." I said, "Oh no, I understand. I've done that before, too, where I've forgotten where I've placed something, then half a sec later remembered where I put it." H seemed relieved and said yeah, he does it all the time, especially after having worked graveyard.

The 180 was that I didn't let his remark about "not trying to start something" get to me, because he had that annoyed tone of his that I really dislike. In the past (as well as the recent past ), I would've snapped back......NEVER good.

Anyway, it's beautiful out today! I potted some flowers and put them on the porch this afternoon. Now whenever I open the front door, the air is so sweet! Love it!

Hope everyone has a great weekend!