After 3 long years, H is home

[Sugar and Spice]

Thanks for the input in my sitch, thought I'd stop by and see how things were with you today?

[GoingForward]

Thanks, Corey.

Feeling a little drained today. H and I got into an argument last night that dragged further along in to this morning.

After work, I stopped at the grocery store for some things then came home. It was just after 9pm, so the boys were in bed, except for S3. Got him in his pj's then into bed, too. H was watching TV while I debated about whether or not to fix myself a late dinner salad - I was fairly tired but still kind of hungry. I did, then I went to sit on the couch with him while I ate.

Something was bothering him, and I wasn't sure if I should ask, but then he opened up on his own. He said he had to lay into S12 earlier because S8 came inside the house, bawling his eyes out. H asked what happened, and S8 told him that S12 was teasing him in front of a couple of neighborhood kids. S12 called him a "drama queen" and something else (I think 'stupid' or something close to that), then of course, the neighborhood kids had to join in a little, too.

Kids being kids. *Sigh*

H said he made S12 come back inside and that's when he ripped him a new one. He also said that if it happens again, where S12 is belittling S8, he sincerely hopes that S8 "punches the sh** out of him(S12), because then maybe he'll learn to knock this sh** off". I didn't say anything. Just kind of nodded that I understood and agreed. This is a recurring problem between our two older sons.

Then H said he asked S12 where he heard "drama queen" from, and S12 told him he got it from me and other family members. I realized and told H that S12 must have overheard us (my sisters, one of my nieces, and me) talking about how one of my other nieces was overreacting and trying to play my sister and BIL....acting like a little "drama queen". It was a joke! Just all in fun. During that same time (which was like a year and a half ago), I was telling my sisters and another niece of a time where S8 was being overdramatic, too. My niece then made the joke of calling him a "drama king". Again, all a big joke. Nothing was meant to be malicious.

Well H strongly disagreed. He said, even after explaining the circumstances to him, that he didn't appreciate his son being called that. He didn't think it was right. I told him I understood how he felt, but again, it was just a joke. This is how my family is. It's our sense of humor. We tease and crack jokes about each other, but it's never meant to do any harm. If any of the younger ones show that it's upsetting them (and this rarely is the case), we immediately stop, apologize, and tell them we're just playing around. Everyone understands. We all 'get it'. MIL and SIL get it, too. My H does not - he is the type who certainly has no problem dishing it out but can't quite take it in.

Anyway, H said it wasn't right. I said alright, I'm sorry. He said don't apologize to him. I should be telling S8 that I was sorry. I looked at H and said S8 wasn't even around when this joke was taking place, I really didn't see the point, but if he felt I should, then I would do it when he woke up in the morning. H said good, you do that!

Then he said that this "sh**'s gotta stop" with S12 teasing his younger brother all the time. H said he's been "allowed" to get away with too much BS for too damn long. I said, "I haven't ALLOWED him to do anything. I even told him earlier today to knock it off when he was teasing S8! He obviously doesn't listen very well." H said, "And who's fault is that?" I looked at him and said, "Are you saying that it's mine?!" H said, "Who's primary care has he been in for the last 3 years? Who's been responsible for his actions? When he's tormenting his younger brothers? Who's supposed to knock the sh** out of him and tell him that this crap is unacceptable? Who just f***ing babies them and tells them 'behave, you guys' and doesn't do sh**?!"

I got so p*ssed last night that I literally tossed my salad into the kitchen sink, grabbed my keys, and left. I went for a drive around town and parked near a park. I didn't care. I just had to get out of there before I said or even did something I'd truly regret.

All the while, I was thinking of what I wanted to rage to him about - where the f*** does he get off?!!! Is he perfect?!! "HIS son"?!!! I remember when he "never wanted to have kids with me"! I remember all the times he called me to say that he had to work overtime, when in reality he was going out doing his thing! What kind a man, what kind of a father, just walks out on his family, his children, while they are sleeping, and leaves it up to Mom to tell the kids the following morning that their dad isn't coming home?!!! This jerk has a LOT of freakin' nerve to be pointing out my faults as a mother when he hasn't been so 'saintly' himself!

After about an hour, I came back to the house and didn't say a word to him, although he tried talking to me several times. Just told him I was tired and in no mood to discuss anything further at this time. We could readdress it in the morning, if he'd like.

H said, "I think you completely took everything I said the wrong way.".....huh??!!!.....He said, "All I'm saying is that if my kids grow up to be f***-ups, then I would believe that it was my fault. They've been here with you for the past 3 years, and what I see in S12 is unacceptable." We said good night after that. No cuddling this time, but H did rub my arm a little in the middle of the night and said he was sorry that we weren't getting along. Not sure how coherent he was because he sounded like he was talking in his sleep.

This morning wasn't much different. The atmosphere was a bit tense. However, we did talk some about how we both feel that we haven't really been trying with each other. One says something that the other takes the wrong way, so then neither of us even feel like trying.

It's just soooo different now. 3 years apart and not consistently working on the R has been too destructive, I believe. I used to have soooooooo much more patience....and I can't feel it anymore. It's not there like it used to be.

Sometimes I wonder why I even wanted to try this, after all this time. In all honesty, I really didn't think H would actually move back in.

I think someone asked me on another thread that if I didn't have children with H, would I still have taken him back?

I don't think I would have. I don't think he would have wanted to come back either.

[Snow White]

I am sorry you are feeling this way. I don't think you took the convo the wrong way(although I only am reading the way you took it!) That is a lot of nerve to complain about the way you are raising kids he abandoned. Good for you to leave and cool off though. I have read all your threads and although you felt like you had no patience during this argument you have 10 times the patience of me and most people I know. You are still allowed to get angry. Doesn't mean you aren't trying or don't want the M to work. You didn't do anything to set it back either, just in neutral for the night instead of GoingForward.

[klm]

((((GF))))
I am so sorry about the argument with your H. Don't beat yourself up for getting angry. I would have too.

I think someone asked me on another thread that if I didn't have children with H, would I still have taken him back?

I asked you this question...and really it was an unfair question. I asked it because I was wondering if I might have more fight in me if I had children.

You HAVE seen the H you wanted since he came back, so keep that in mind. You two haven't lived together for 3 YEARS! That is definately going to be an adjustment. Is he against going to counseling? I really think it would help you two with communication, which seems to be the biggest issue.

[GoingForward]

(((Neecy and Kris))), thank you both. Your support and understanding helps tremendously.

Don't beat yourself up for getting angry.

I find it very interesting that you said this.

Many times, I feel as though I'm getting a beating for not being the ideal W, whatever that means. My faults, or my way of doing things, that H isn't satisfied with are constantly rubbed in my face, so the majority of the time, I feel like I am always wrong and am a failure. I told him I feel like I can't win with him. I feel like I can't do anything right or quick enough to please him. I'm a SAHM, but multitasking is not a quality I possess (I can only handle one thing at a time), and by his own admission, the same rings true for H with patience.

You HAVE seen the H you wanted since he came back, so keep that in mind.

I will try to do this, and as a matter of fact, this side of H actually peeked out a little today. He was already gone for work, but when I got into my car to pick my sons up from school, I noticed that I had a full tank of gas.

AOS is one of H's LLs. This is not only how he feels love, but it is also how he shows it.

I called and left him a VM to say thank you and told him I really appreciated him doing that. He hasn't called back, but I don't expect him to.

Is he against going to counseling?

Completely against it. He often says he will do anything to better our R.....Anything but this.

So something's got to change here, and I think for the moment, it's on me to get the ball rolling. Time to act as if and pull some 180s. Actually did one earlier, and it worked.

H was getting ready to leave to Home Depot this morning but couldn't find his key to the car, so he came back inside asking if I knew where it was. I said no, I never use that key, only mine. Less than 5 seconds later, he goes to the fridge and grabs his key from on top, as if he knew where it was the whole time.

I asked him why did he ask me where it was when he already knew. I could tell that irritated him a little because he clenched his jaw briefly then said, "Look, I just came off graveyard this morning, so sometimes my mind is kinda blank. It just hit me that I put it there yesterday. I wasn't trying to start anything with you." I said, "Oh no, I understand. I've done that before, too, where I've forgotten where I've placed something, then half a sec later remembered where I put it." H seemed relieved and said yeah, he does it all the time, especially after having worked graveyard.

The 180 was that I didn't let his remark about "not trying to start something" get to me, because he had that annoyed tone of his that I really dislike. In the past (as well as the recent past ), I would've snapped back......NEVER good.

Anyway, it's beautiful out today! I potted some flowers and put them on the porch this afternoon. Now whenever I open the front door, the air is so sweet! Love it!

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

[MichelleLT]

I love the 180 and the flowers! Both very good things.

Enjoy your weekend!!

[GoingForward]

Thanks, Michelle! I'll have to catch up on your thread and see how your weekend went. Hopefully it went well !

As for mine, plans fell through so I didn't do much other than catch up on laundry (seems like there's so much more to do now that H is back ), went to work, and cleaned house. H worked graveyard Friday and Saturday; today (Sunday) he is probably working til midnight.

Yesterday, the 19th, was H's annual safety dinner he asked me to attend with him over a month ago. He wanted me to go out and buy a nice semi-formal dress and new shoes for the event, and I did, but we ended up not going because H was offered some overtime, and he took it. Not sure how I feel about that. I was a little disappointed since we haven't done anything fun with each other since 3/07, but then again, with things being as tense as they have been this last week or two, I wasn't the least bit surprised when he opted for overtime instead of a night out with me.

*Sigh*...Here's to hopefully a better week - Cheers!

[MichelleLT]

Well, sorry you didn't get to do all the fun stuff you were hoping for. Sounds like you still had a decent weekend (of course, I actually find laundry to be meditatively repetitive) and got some time to relax.

I hop you have a WONDERFUL week.

[GoingForward]

Yes, I agree. Not full of excitement, but the weekend was in fact decent. Productive, actually, and that's always a good thing.

This coming Saturday will be a great one though! Ladies poker night at my sister's house . H will be working graveyard that night, so the kids are going to stay over at MIL's.

Some positives I want to note:

Last night, H and I were talking on the phone (he was at work), and we were discussing changes he would like to see happen. Now, I don't disagree with him on these specific issues, and I told him this. I do, however, disagree with his timeline. He expects everything to change immediately, and that's not being fair. Again, he's been out of the house for nearly 3 years, and after he left, he had his own way of doing things which differ from my ways. No biggie. But now that he's back, it's all got to change. *Sigh* Ok, fine.

The problem is this: He throws every little thing at me all at once that he'd like to see changed. "This has to go, that has to go, this needs to change, that needs to change, fix that, fix this......" IT IS OVERWHELMING!!! Sometimes I'm starting one 'project' but am made to feel like it's not happening quick enough. I should've started the next project 2 weeks ago!

Anyway, I told H last night why don't we start with one change at a time and slowly but steadily work from there. He said fine. First change, no more fast food for the kids. I said, "Done." (There are times when it's been convenient to just stop for fast food. We both know how crappy that stuff is, but yeah, it's so easy to just grab it and go when there's not enough time to cook due to work, after school activities, etc. It wasn't just me either. H was giving in, too.)

So we agreed on something. It's a start. Yay!

I gave the bathrooms a really good cleaning yesterday. Had been doing kind of a half a$$ job before that...ugh...and I think H noticed when he got home from work after midnight. His mood was a little nicer than usual. Well, nicer than it has been for the past couple of weeks. In the middle of the night, he rubbed my arm, kissed it, and mumbled something. I'm trying but can't remember - I was half asleep!

H got up for work at 6am this morning, took a shower, gave me a little rub on my back, and said he hoped I had a good day. I wished him one as well.

So, some small progress. Good way to start out the week!

[klm]

Baby Steps GF!

Sounds like maybe you two are getting a little better at communicating. Does your H help with the changes or just demand them? Maybe if you two worked together then it would be less overwhelming.

Poker night sounds like fun!