I'm Finally Ready to "Drop the Rope"

[fooled again]

Here's an image that helps me. I got it from a session with DB coach Chuck--you may want to schedule a session with one of the coaches, by the way. Anyway, he told me that the WAS has run away and built a big, thick wall to keep himself safe. The temptation for the LBS is to bang on the wall and try to tear it down, but the WAS just keeps building the wall higher and thicker. The LBS needs to stop trying to tear the wall down and to lay out a picnic instead and wait.

Eventually, the WAS will become curious and come out from behind the wall the check the picnic out.

Then he'll run back behind the wall for reasons that the LBS(and maybe even the WAS)doesn't understand.

If the LBS starts banging on the wall at this point, the WAS thinks, "Whew, that was close! Good thing I got out of there!" So instead, the LBS needs to go back, lay out the picnic again, and wait. The WAS will reappear and run away again, but the times out from behind the wall will be longer and the times behind the wall will be shorter until the WAS realizes that the wall is ridiculous.

Your H seems to be retreating in to the MLC tunnel again. This is so frustrating! But think about laying out that picnic. You are doing a fantastic job already. Keep doing what works.

Wow!! I pulled this quote from amd off your thread from Sept/07. I love imagery and find it helps me to understand and cope w/ things that confuse me. This one was very, very good.

As you can see, I'm taking your suggestion and starting to read your posts from last Sept and it helping me line things up in my own mind. Your H was very open w/ you about OW, his feelings and such, but mine is not, has never been, so I can't be sure that OW is gone. BUT, that being said, I doubt that matters. I think the panic that I'm seeing in my H is a direct reflection of him poking out from behind his "wall" and feeling vulnerable. He keeps talking about me deserving better, what I can't give him b/c of what he did to me, that I am holding back from giving my love to him and I need to find someone that I can give my love to unquestioningly. But he also talks about not being done, about wanting to be w/ me. I think he is overwhelmed with the enormity of the task of rebuilding our M after the "hurricane" of his A. I know it can be done, but he is not there yet.

In these discussions, I have been saying very little, despite the overwhelming urge to argue w/ him and defend myself. I'll keep doing what I've been doing - backing off and letting him work this out. But when I told him that I no longer believe that another person can or should make me happy, he said that that was wrong. He, like FW and so many other MLCers seem to be looking for their own happiness in another person. Maybe I can show him by my example that true happiness can only come from inside yourself.

For now I will not do anything, and will continue to let him initiate R talks, if that's what he needs to do.
BTW, for some reason I thought you had gone through all this quite some time ago until I started reading your thread. I guess it doesn't matter, but it shows me how quickly things can change, though that is not what I am expecting in my sitch. Thank you so much for your insights, BFM.