Time to check in--the days are going by so fast, and I haven't felt like I have much to say lately.
No changes in circumstances over the past few weeks. Everything's fine on the surface, although H did pull a wierd trick on me one night and was really cold and distant after I returned from a church meeting...it brought back a flood of scary feelings, but I managed to ride it out and make it through 'til morning, when he acted as if nothing was wrong. He never did tell me why he was so angry, even when I asked. He's rarely like that.
So, as far as I know, we're okay. Busy with life and kids and projects. I think sometimes that the busy-ness works as a distraction, keeping us from really looking at and addressing deep issues. Mostly I worry about it keeping *him* from thinking about and addressing his deep issues. But I realize that it is his road to walk, and he seems content to drift along in his current state.
I admit that I hope someday he'll face his demons instead of stuffing them. But I know that's not my choice to make. It's my job to love him and do the best I can.
Thanks for the update. You seem strong. Isn't it nice to get to a healthy place with ourselves? Our happiness grows stronger, like a tree, due to our consistent efforts. They're unhappiness (spouse's) becomes the wind and sometimes a storm, that our solid base can weather.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Thanks for checking in on me CL. I do feel pretty good in general, and it's nice to feel that way as opposed to where I was a year ago. For sure.
Last night H held me and let me talk about my feelings...it was really nice, he seems open to how I feel about where we are and is complimentary of me. He doesn't reciprocate with his feelings though--I have no idea how my sharing made him feel, or where he is emotionally. But he was here, listening and affirming, and I think I need to take that as the loving action it was and accept that he processes his feelings very privately. I need to let go of the worry that his feelings are stuffed rather than processed. It's beyond the scope of my control.
Aud, I can relate to your H. I process my feelings privately. My W has observed this in me. I write daily, and notice if I don't I get irritable.
I seem to communicate better in writing than in-person. IC is still a struggle, even after all these years, but I keep going, because it's helpful in a way that private self-expression is not. I would recommend it for your H.
With your husband, is it a gender issue, an intimacy issue, an introversion issue? Is it something he needs to work on? Is it enough for the feelings to be known internally and expressed privately versus expressed via verbal commuinication? Can a private person be as happy as someone who expresses themselves verbally to others?
As you say, it's beyond the scope of your influence, unless he asks for help, and as long as you're a safe person to be verbally intimate with.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I think his lack of sharing is both gender and introversion related. He often seems amused (okay, sometimes irritated) that I need to talk about things, sometimes over and over before I get them resolved. He's not that way. And he's adamantly opposed to IC. I think in the same way that he doesn't feel the need to share with me, he doesn't think he needs to open up to a stranger to work through his issues. In a way, I can wrap my head around that one. On the other hand, I think: if you're hurt, go find someone who can help fix your problem! But that's me.
A few months ago, we received a forwarded email video of a comedian (can't remember his name) who talks about how men operate...how guys have their heads all compartmentalized into boxes, and that their favorite box to hang out in is the 'nothing' box. H loved it, and often will just say that's where he is. I get it (as much as I can from my perspective, I guess)...but I do worry that the 'nothing' box is an excuse for avoiding working on a real problem. Hope that made sense.
I like what you said about working on being a safe person to be verbally intimate with. I'll put some thought into how I can work on being safer...any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Aud, I got the same video. It was so freakin' funny. My H also loved it because it's so true. They actually have the ability to think about nothing... while we're busy thinking and processing and analyzing and planning.
You're doing great.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
Thanks for checking in PS and PS. I really appreciate all my DB friends' watchful care.
The video *is* so funny and true. And it really does help when H can just say, "I'm in my nothing box"...I don't have to worry that his head is on the same spin cycle mine is!
Checking in--nothing new happening. My sitch with H is in a pretty good place, no significant changes recently. I dreamed that he was regressing last night, but when I woke, everything was fine.
I'm still up for any suggestions on how to be more 'safe' for him to open up.
I really appreciate all my DB friends' watchful care.