Totally Lost after 23 years

[addie]

CBK,
I agree with Stella. If your W is trying to reach out to you, let her reach out. I understand that you didn't want your W to see you crying and that's one of the reasons you walked away.
As for snooping, I know it is such a difficult thing. It does become easier not to snoop when you finally come to the realization that it only ends up hurting you even more. My snooping led me to push H out the door, into the arms of OW which then turned into a PA. I was obssessed with wanting to find out what was going on with them. Each time I saw something, I would backslide and this would set me further away from my goals.