unevitably aboard the D train...

[cat03]

after stbx came back in 06 I didnt' realize I rushed him home, i wanted him home so bad I didnt' care how badly he was doing internally, I believed he'd be fine with us. He did agree during MC later that month that he thought moving back would make him feel better but it didnt. He moved back too soon. How soon until he would've gotten better? who knows, perhaps never. He really needs ADHD and antiD medication, but due to his job as cop he refuses to take them, afraid to disclose those problems since he heard they let people go who had mental problems of that magnitude.

There could be a chance for our M, but he won't take meds, his job defines him, this is the first ever that has given him any satisfaction, his other jobs were awful and this is the only one he actually loves.

I now regret a exchange we had at the beginning of mediation, he was telling me how awful he felt, I was conforting him, it was alright, I got a glimmer of hope that perhaps it was a sign he wanted to think about SA, when he disclosed that he still wanted to D I lost it, I told him how much of a coward he was by running away from his problems and taking the easy way out. Since then he never opened up again to me, and Iater I decided it was for the best, since it was destroying me to let go of him, perhaps this way I wouldnt' feel attached to him anymore this way.

Perhaps even that talk wouldnt have gone south things still would've deteriorated and he still, like now, has contact with ow, at what degree is their R alive I dont' know,l but that truly bothers me. I have mentioned it before, but ow has huge mental problems and takes some medication, she lost it and threaten suicide when she found out there was no D, disclosed to stbx how she also had a double life and showed him xxx rated picts of her which she sold to this guy whom she had sex with for money. He cried to me, disgusted, how he couldnt' believe he gave her a foothold, how disgusted he was, he could've given him something. Later on, he kept on about it, how he couldnt' believe how angry he felt that she was with another man, he didnt' use the word but it was jelousy he felt, jelousy!!! at her whoring herself, he hurt that he wasn't her only man! and there I was, consoling HIM. He always wanted to save her, felt totally responsible for her, she did tell him how he ruined her life and she knew how to get in his head, he admited to it "she is using me because she knows she can" arghhhhhhh! how can that woman gotten into him like that? he was with me for so long, 13yrs!

His unhappiness is deep, world deep, ADHD people feel outside this word and can't relate half the time, so I know how he feels at some degree. Would he ever take meds? would that help him see how valuable our M was? I don't know, I don't. Someone told me meds arent' all, that the person has to decide to not give up and fight for what one wants (he is fighting for his M as well), that depression isnt' an excuse for all.

Is this really a loosing battle? am I kidding myself right now thinking he could turn around before the year is up? :S great, need to call my C to move my C date now.