Not much has happened but daily life's up and downs. DD did well on her first road test but failed because she didn't "head turn" enough. It will be easy to correct but really threw her for a depression. I had mentioned to her C that I have been worried about her exercise and eating. She did testing last week and I will find out the results today. H picked her up last Sunday and took her to lunch and a movie. That's all I know. I did find a picture of him and a girl from New Year's Day on the internet. Didn't affect me as much as I thought.
DD wouldn't wake up today for school. I am taking the day off because someone at work didn't want to work Saturday and so I traded with her but got a sub so I could have 3 days off. Yippee. Now I can play catch up. I have been overstressed lately....my dad keeps wanting to visit his house (I have had to turn him down 2x's this week. He just says when are you coming to ??? (bring me tapes, etc.) and then when I come says "I am ready to leave". I finally have decoded his talk so when he called yesterday to ask when I am coming - I asked point blank why. He said to visit his house and I said for only one hour (medicad says only 4 hours a week away from nursing home - he went Sunday for 3). He said that wasn't enough time so forget it. I hurts not to do as he wants but takes 4 hours out of my day and I usually don't have that, plus the legality of it), trying to get the medicad papers done for the nursing home, the legal attorney papers for dad (trust, power of attorney, etc), fix the kitchen sink and the lawn mower/electrical/etc problems, take care of my dad's house and my house, plus whatever DD needs and work full time. So, when DD wouldn't wake up, I declared a day of recuperation for both of us. She can sleep as long as she needs.
OK, enough about me! I go to this zen tarot card site (http://www.osho.com). The cards are beautiful and the thoughts are worth mediating on for me. Today's is so perfect for a lot of us that I want to share it.
This has been said again and again, down through the ages. All the religious people have been saying this: "We come alone into this world, we go alone." All togetherness is illusory. The very idea of togetherness arises because we are alone, and the aloneness hurts. We want to drown our aloneness in relationship.... That's why we become so much involved in love. Try to see the point. Ordinarily you think you have fallen in love with a woman or with a man because she is beautiful, he is beautiful. That is not the truth. The truth is just the opposite: you have fallen in love because you cannot be alone. You were going to fall. You were going to avoid yourself somehow or other. And there are people who don't fall in love with women or men--then they fall in love with money. They start moving into money or into a power trip, they become politicians. That too is avoiding your aloneness. If you watch man, if you watch yourself deeply, you will be surprised--all your activities can be reduced to one single source. The source is that you are afraid of your aloneness. Everything else is just an excuse. The real cause is that you find yourself very alone.
Commentary: Some enchanted evening you're going to meet your soulmate, the perfect person who will meet all your needs and fulfill all your dreams. Right? Wrong! This fantasy that songwriters and poets are so fond of perpetuating has its roots in memories of the womb, where we were so secure and "at one" with our mothers; it's no wonder we have hankered to return to that place all our lives. But, to put it quite brutally, it is a childish dream. And it's amazing we hang on to it so stubbornly in the face of reality. Nobody, whether it's your current mate or some dreamed-of partner in the future, has any obligation to deliver your happiness on a platter--nor could they even if they wanted to. Real love comes not from trying to solve our neediness by depending on another, but by developing our own inner richness and maturity. Then we have so much love to give that we naturally draw lovers towards us.
Sitting quietly doing nothing, the flowers bloom effortlessly.
bomb: Jan 25, 2006 not seen since DD moved in with H - 9/1/08 H filed for divorce - 11/2008 Divorce dismissed by courts - 4/2010 still nothing
