I do not think I can wait a good long while. I will give him his week(originally it was a week or 2) then I will have to see a lawyer, not as much because I want a divorce but because I need to ensure my finances don;t get any worse and he racks up debt that I will be responsible for. If he isn't coming back there is really no reason to wait.
When I got home from work I came in and talked to my daughter immediately H started telling me about adventure bear that she brought home so I looked at the bear while he talked. I went into my room to change out of the skirt I had on into jeans and when I walked back into the living room he was gone.
I did falter and send a text re: leaving rudely and looking for rental houses. He called and chewed my ear a bit for the fact that I came in and refused to even look at him and he tried to tell me about the bear and I didn;t look at him at all then went to my room, and he invited me to dinner and I didn't respond. I wish I had of just left it and he could have stewed about me not paying the right amount of attention to him but instead he got to me which validated him. He called at 9 to see how the movie was, I let him talk to D then let him go.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Nation Stress Awareness Day Today - Quote from the lady at work, thought it was funny and fitting, man have I been under stress!
Stress: The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the living daylights out of some jerk who desperately deserves it” ~ Unknown
I did call to get an appointment with a lawyer today, H told me FU and I was a snooper and going to make some guy real happy and go all Hyde on him(as in Jeckyll and).
Not sure why he is so angry, he chose to leave, he chose to look up rental houses after saying he was only leaving for a week, he chose to fill his car up with gas in OW's town at 10:30 at night when he said he was sleeping at his friend's house down the street, he chose to give up on this marriage months ago, but he is mad when I do?
Man do I have stress!
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
For awhile now I have been following LWB's thread and she(you) have posted to me and mentioned how it is hard for H to be gone but it is calm and peaceful. I now know what you mean. H has not slept at home for the past 4 nights, he was at the house until time to sleep on Sunday and Monday (suday stomped out, monday made the decision to move out) Tuesday was there until I got off work to watch D and yesterday not there at all. so it hasn;t been very long but already I feel the difference. I am still sad but I can feel the detachment, I am coming to terms with what is likely the end and picturing life on the other side.
The reason I have already called a lawyer is this. It is not that I have given up(although part of me has) H has rec'd calls 3 times this week from a financial company asking to speak to him. He took out a loan a few years back behind my back, I have never seen paper work on it so I have no idea how much it is for or what the collateral is. I am afraid that whatever they are collecting for is going to give me problems and that he may incur more debt behind my back. I cannot trust him not to do this. Does anyone know, could he use community assets - like our house - towards a loan without my signature?
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
As his wife, the loan company should be authorized to speak to you if they can't reach him. I would ask them what they are collecting for. If he took a loan while married, you most likely are equally responsible for it. You may as well find out what it is.
Neecy, sounds like a lawyer is a good idea for your protection. But I do think they are somewhat salespeople, all thinking divorce is fantastic kind of viewpoint. That's what my L talks like, life will be so great after divorce, and I am sure my husband's L says the same thing to him! So I wouldn't rush into anything and take a careful pace, and don't let the L rush you into anything!
Glad to hear you are having some peace & detachment; I think that is the good part of Hs moving out. Are you still GALing and trying to do things you enjoy to keep up your PMA? I know that is hard to do when going through all this, but it has helped me a lot. Karen
Does anyone know, could he use community assets - like our house - towards a loan without my signature?
Not sure, although something similar happened in my sitch before my H and I S'ed. We were both on the house when we bought it. Then H decided he wanted to refinance after we were here for about a year. When the notary public official came to our house for us to sign the refi papers, my name was on nothing. All they had for me to sign was a quit claim. I was upset and couldn't understand how they could approve, let alone process, this loan without my consent or at least without my name on anything, but since the official was already here at our house and I basically felt like I was on the spot, I signed the quit claim after H reassured me that he would put me back on the house after this went through.
Never happened though. Even after bringing the subject up to H on several occasions. It was always, "Yeah, yeah, we'll do it. I'll take care of it."
Anyway, when I talked to my ATTY about what happened, he said that should've never happened - the refi should have been done under both of our names since the house was ours; not just H's. He, as I, didn't know how that could've happened the way that it did. So anyhow, the house is community property, and even though I signed the quit claim, my ATTY said because of the circumstances, I could claim "undue influence". Problem solved.
I am glad that you got in touch with a L. The date that your H moved out is VERY important. Any debt he racks up now is solely his. Personally, I would take him off your CCs immediately. Talk to the L, if you haven't already, about what to do with joint accounts if you have them. Do it right away to protect yourself.....I didn't, and my H lost (small) thousands of dollars of "our" money to gambling.
(((((Neecy)))))
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
I swear, I didn't believe it (even from people who were separated), but when H did move out, it was amazing. I had peace. Calm. Serenity. Sure, it sucks, I miss him. The OLD him. I was ready for space from the NEW him. Its actually claustrophobic in our house when he is there now. I find myself NOT wanting him to stop by, when I used to be the pathetic puppy dog, waiting at the door for him. Silver linings, big time. I go to bed at night, and have no concern what time he'll be home, will I hear the garage door, is he (ugh) driving drunk? These things are distanced from me now, and I sleep much better. I say to myself "Leave the crazy to him...."
Good idea about the attorney. Chances are the 'hidden' loan isn't anything big, but nothing wrong with protecting yourself.
This all feels so weird. Wednesday night for the first time, D asked when daddy was coming home while I was tucking her in. I told her that I didn't think he was. Her face kind of crumpled and she wanted to call him. I told her we could but I didn't think he would answer(never answers his cell since it is on vibrate and he thinks it is a text so ends up calling back, when he wants to). Well he picked up on the first ring and she asked him and then I could hear ok, ok, ok, bye. And then she handed the phone to me. So he says I told her I would see her at gymnastics. He was working past the start time of gymnastics in another city but says he was changing shifts so he could come(he never comes even when he is home). It was only about a 1 minute conversation but I just said don't tell her things if you aren't going to do them. When he got off the phone she told me daddy said he has ton work tonight that is why he isn't home. So i did whip off a quick text saying don't lie to her, she asked when you were coming home, I told her and she didn't believe me, then you lie, what am I supposed to tell her every other night. He did not respond until yesterday morning. Do not talk to her about me.
So he actually did show up to gymnastics last night, it is amazing how the dynamic between people can change. As much as things have been different the past few months, since he has left the house 5 days ago when he came into the gym it was akward and I could tell it was for him too. I was the only other person there(in the viewing area). He asked a quick how was work, fine you? Fine. Then he says if you don't want me here I can leave. I said you promised D you would come and I can go if you are uncomfortable. D was jumping up and down waving and yelling daddy from in the gym. Then he let me know that I didn't have to take D to daycare today that he could watch her then drop her off at school since he didn't work until 1. I knew from last week his schedule but never mentioned this possibility. When we left gym I had her all buckled in the car and he kissed her and told her he would see her today and then it was so akward again when he left to get in his car like he didn't know what to do or say to me.
When I got home I sent a quick text message saying thank you for coming to gym. I know I am trying not to contact much, and really there has been very little. But I thought it would be nice to point out something done right. He responded, your welcome, I told her I would be there. I said I know and that is why I am happy you came. Not a problem, see you in the morning, would you like a coffee? Yes please.
So H came at the exact time I needed to leave for work today with a coffee, no interaction a quick thank you and goodbye. I guess it is a positive that even though he is not there for me, he did show up for D's gym and offered to watch her today, she misses him and needs this.
Last edited by neecy22; 04/18/0812:21 PM.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Well its been 12 days since I exposed the A to H's parents and a month and a half since I exposed to his SIL and Brother and today the first person finally stepped up to the plate. After the first 24 hours in weeks without a nasty work/text exchanged and H offering to watch D so she didn't have to go to daycare. I just rec'd a text from H saying what exactly did you tell my parents because DD(his aunt- who I did not tell) was just here giving me a lecture, I don't need this SH*T.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
I know that is hard to do when going through all this, but it has helped me a lot.