For the guys with kids and a WAW

[hopeful4her]

I have know about this EA since about October of last year. They met on internet through Myspace. I know that WW had been in contact with several different men on the internet that led to phone calls. Not sure of physical contact. The current EA started out classic. I discover the phone calls on the cell bill, find out she is deleting calls on phone, so on and so on. I confront her and its the "He's just a friend and I don't tell you about him because I know how you feel about me having guy friends." In my mind I know that they talk and probably meet for lunch and such. I try all the classic things you are not supposed to do. I withdraw, I beg, snoop. I figure out her password to her email and access her VM on cell at night and here saved messages of him professing his undying love. I refused to believe that there had been physical contact (intercourse) but then in early March, I find a hotel receipt for a day that she was off. I think about it and convince myself that even though I see the receipt, I don't see it in the timeframe that she had for the day, because I was involved in a lot of the day and she had a beauty appointment for a large part of the day. Small timeframe of a few hours, maybe. I confront her and we discuss and she admits to getting the room, but could not go through with it. She says she had too much self respect. I believe her.
Discussion about R about 4 weeks ago, she brings up that maybe someday we well be back together, but not now. She brings up D and I tell her that she will lose everything. She reacts by calling OM and tells him that she will longer call him, she doesn't want him to call her, she is telling him in front of me and its because she doesn't want to lose her kids. She has been on the sofa since. I know they had been in contact the next day. He called and called and called. I know she called him back after she got off of work. I listen to some saved VM on her phone and he is saying please call me, at least give me closure, you know you won't lose your kids, blah, blah. Last VM is him saying thanks for talking to me, I love you too and maybe we can still have lunch together. That Saturday I find a note that had apparently was left on her car that Friday. "Thanks for letting me see you, you made my day. You are my life and you make me hole (his spelling). I hope you feel the same. Love you , Love you, love you." Since then, I have no longer checked her phone at all and went dim. She has been trying to engage me in conversation and I have been very cordial to her but I do not initiate any conversation. One small discussion, I feel down on myself and tell her she will probably get everything she wants, I will end up moving because she I know she cant give OM up. She says " I have given him up." A close friend talks me out of leaving and refreshes my strength of what I know I need to do. Last Friday, the dimness gets to her and in the morning after kids are gone she mentions the silence. I tell her its not what I want, but oh well. She says " I guess we cant even be friends?". I say,"Not while you are giving yourself to OM, we will not be friends." She says she is going to move out after the school year with the girls and I tell her she is not taking the kids, but she can go. She is not leaving without the kids. I tell her how can we be friends when she is cheating on me. She says "yes, I cheated on you". I say "do you know how that makes me feel, how God feels?". She say she will deal with God and He will deal with her. I say, yes he will deal with you both. She says she will start paperwork, and I tell her I already talked to an attorney. I say "do you see how calm I am?" I lied. It just came out. Done with discussion, I left. I don't know if they still talk or see each other at this moment. I have not checked cell phone in a couple of weeks. I can only assume they do. I have journaled the past few days since then.
I went a "lighter shade of pale" this morning and engaged her in coversation. Light talk about work and such. Kind of uncomfortable but ok. Part of me says to push her and part of me says to leave be for a while and see. Maybe in Gods time. I don't know. My love for her keeps me in a fog, also.

[hopeful4her]

By the way, a different "old friend contacted me yesterday to go to lunch. I have to say I am feeling better about myself. Have lost a lot of weight and do feel good. Getting more calls from other women. Weird, but that is not what I want. I want my wife back. I want to still try. It has to work out.

[hopeful4her]

For some reason, I am just having a rough day today. I miss my best friend and our daily calls to each other just to see how our days are going. We were doing this even until a couple of weeks ago. Watching movies together on our bed. Just the closeness. No intimacy since last September, but at least we were close. Then I tried pursuing. Backfired big time. As much as I am trying, I cannot get her out of my mind and it is hard to focus on work. I almost need her to be mean to me so that I can harden my heart. But she isn't.

[LL44]

I am just having a rough day today. I miss my best friend and our daily calls to each other just to see how our days are going.

Oh man, I miss all of that too. All of the closeness, the checking in, the silly talks...all the things about a good marriage. Its so hard. Take care, and know you aren't alone!

[lodo]

Hey Hopeful,

Just checking in on your sitch. Everyone is different, but my current tack is to maintain the friendship to a certain degree. I guess I see that as "detaching with love," which a lot of people around here talk about. I have no clue how it's affecting my WAW, but I don't care anymore. I still love and care for her, but I need to take care of myself. Detaching with love allows me to do both, and also shows her a positive person who's busy and who'd be a great catch, without getting into the negatives of R talk or burdens of shared baggage, etc.

Just sounded to me in your long post that things were getting a little intense and, if you're retreating, maybe you should consider keeping things a little lighter.

My $.02, lodo

[hopeful4her]

LWB and Lodo, thanks for your input. I think that will be the route that I take. Loving detachment. I can't ignore her. After work, I called WW if we needed anything from store. She suggested something for dinner and I agreed. She got home and started the nightly family ritual of dinner, homework, baths and such. Not a whole lot of talking between us. I engaged her first. We spoke lightly. After kids bedtime, I told WW that I was going to watch a movie that she had rented over a week ago and if she wanted to join me. She got her usual snack changed into her night gown and took her usual spot on our bed to watch. After an hour or so, she starts to doze off. I kind of expected this because again, this is normal. I kind of wanted her to fall asleep on the bed, because I would have just let her stay. Then nephew calls her phone and needs a ride home from work. She leaves to pick him up. It is about 11:15 at night. She comes back, sits and finishes the movie then nicely tells me goodnight and goes to the sofa. RRRR. I also found out that she is planning on going out on Saturday night to a local fiesta event coming up. She didn't tell me, our son mentioned that he is going to watch the girls Saturday night, so he suggested that I go out with some friends. "Mom is going out so you should also". Again, rrrrrr. If I was going to go out, it would be to the same event. I would like to go, but what if she is going to be with him. Hopefully it is with her sister or a friend, but who knows. What am I gonna do? Ask her who she's going out with? Tell her I was planning on going also.
I guess it will be loving detachment as best I could. No pursuing or going out of my way. I think that if she pushes for seperation or divorce, I am still going to fight her for the kids. I am sure on this. But in my heart, it is going to have to be her to initiate. Not sure if I can at this point. She drives me so friggin' crazy. I am so up and down. I so want to hate her but I just can't. After all she has done, I still love her. I see the good in her. I just want her to wake up. I hope she has stopped seeing him and calling him, but I think it is just wishfull thinking. The only way to find out is to snoop or ask a direct question. I want to and don't want to at the same time. I am sick of being disappointed. I have to remind myself of what she is doing to me and our beautiful family. Remind myself. Remind myself. I pray for her. I even pray for him to find his happiness somewhere else. Reconcile with wife. Something. Days like this, it's like she has stolen my backbone. I am an imposing man is size and usually very strong willed, but she can reduce me to nothing. I cannot let her do this to me. I will not let her. I pray for my strength. The Lord will see me through.

[hopeful4her]

Last night, the second I posted my last post, the electricity goes out due to a storm. As I walk through the house, I know WW is asleep. I can't stand it anymore. I have to know something. I have to check the phone. I know I shouldn't. I can't help myself. I see that she has new VM. I check the recent calls. OM called her this morning at the time he knows that she is on the road going to work. Couple of missed calls at 10, 11 and 1. One call out to him at about 6:30. She would have been on the road home. The VM's are from him. First says about how he is having contractors around and they are trying to finish up and won't be available till maybe 12:30 if she still wants to have lunch, he knows he does with her. Second says he can be there at 1:00. Last is him saying he is outside waiting for her. Bad news to me. I checked. But, good news maybe. No calls missed, in, or out to each other as far as to the 11th. None. The 11th was last Friday, the day of our last blow out. Not sure if she is deleting the calls or there has been no contact at least since last Friday. The 11th was the farthest the history would go. Not totally convinced that WW would be smart enough to erase the calls so completely if there were any. On her phone, she would have to erase two records, in the ingoing, outgoing and missing and also in the recent calls. Truth be told, I really don't think she would have remembered to erase every single one. I don't think that she would have any reason to erase them. In her mind, I don't think that she would have to hide anything from me. I think that she has really been trying to end things with him, but then he called her. "Could we please have lunch. We can still have lunch. I miss you. Love you." I can just hear it. But to me, that is good news. In my mind, that is why I have been feeling really strong lately in my dimness. Except for yesterday. Yesterday, I was just in a funk. Was I having a "sixth sense" thing? All appearances of no contact with OM for at least a weak until yesterday. Very odd to me. Of course she could be calling from work, but he wouldn't call her at work. It would have been on her cell. Bill comes in after the 25th. I could always check the time period then. I feel better. Of course I'm P***ed about them meeting again, but maybe there was something going on in her mind. Lots to consider. Then again, one call from him and there she is. I know, in her mind, that she could still have lunch with him sometimes. No big deal. She doesn't realize. She doesn't see nor understand what happens. Maybe the Lord was working on us, and then because I couldn't stand it, and snooped, he let me see what I was trying to find instead of trusting in Him. Thats what I get. But perhaps, still a chance at R. I will be dim. No pursuing. No catering. But not ingnoring. I will initiate conversation with her again. But I will be strong, loving and detached. Now I have to see how Saturday night goes.

[hopeful4her]

Not sure of what to do about Saturday. Do I inform her that I am also going to the same fiesta event. Do I not say a thing. Do I, at the last minute, tell her that I might see her there. I want so much to ask her who she is going with. I feel better today, but tomorrow is working on my mind. I know I have to detach and not care, just go and have fun. If we see each other, we see each other. But what if she is with him? Do I kick his a** if I see him? I know thats what I want to do. Is it what I'm going to do? Dunno. Cross that bridge when I get there.

[hopeful4her]

Man, do I have some long posts. Been listening to Audioslave's first cd alot. Great songs. Like a Stone and I am the Highway. Discovered this one:

What You Are

And when you wanted me
I came to you
And when you wanted someone else
I withdrew
And when you asked for light
I set myself on fire
And if I go far away I know
You'll find another slave

Cause now I'm free from what you want
Now I'm free from what you need
Now I'm free from what you are

And when you wanted blood
I cut my veins
And when you wanted love
I bled myself again
Now that I've had my fill of you
I'll give you up forever
And here I go far away
I know you'll find another slave

Cause now I'm free from what you want
Now I'm free from what you need
Now I'm free from what you are

Then a vision came to me
When you came along
I gave you everything
But then you wanted more

Now I'm free from what you want
Now I'm free from what you need
Now I'm free from what you are

[hopeful4her]

Was having a really hard day yesterday. Worked a really long day. Got invited to a party going on today by a girl that has been calling me. End of the work day, I am feeling very emotional and can't stop thinking of WW. As I work, my eyes keep welling up. What is wrong with me. I want my best friend back. On way home, start to cry. Closer to home, regain composure. Be strong for the kids and don't want WW to see me emotional. Find out D6 had a very bad day as well. Note from art teacher says she's concerned about behavior. D6 was trying to cut her hand with scissors. She has done this before. Not listening. Breaking supplies. This has been happening. Again, I am sad. I take note to WW who apperantly has not read note yet. D6 is asleep in nephew room. I tell WW I am concerned about this. She reads note and looks upset, also and goes to wake up D6. Starts to ask questions that D6 doesn't answer. Then asks "Are upset or sad about Mommy and Daddy?" D6 starts to cry and says yes. D6 then tells how she sent to her room by D11 when they got home and then in trouble again by S14. WW is angry at them. She talks to every one about it is the parents job to punish, not them. S14 ends up understanding, but D11 is really upset. WW talks about the changes in us, and yes, it is all her fault. Again, she takes the blame in front of the kids for what is going on between us. D11 starts to hyperventilate.
As we are trying to calm her down, I am growing more and more angry. She is doing this to us. She is causing the kids emotional problems. I am not going to let this happen anymore. I now realize what I have to do. She is going. I want her out. I am going to tell the older kids, S14 and nephew, the truth today. I am not going out. I will stay home with the kids, and let her go out. I will contact an attorney this coming week. I have now reached my point. Trying to stay calm so that I don't say anything stupid. Checked her phone this morning and the recent calls seem to be erased from the previous day, but not the incoming, outgoing or missed. There were calls to each other yesterday. She is playing me and has the best of both worlds.
We take S14 to skate rink and take girls out to Mcdonalds last night. We get in WW car and country music is playing. I know that OM is a country music listener. I say "Who else hates country music?" and turn off the radio. I hear a sarcastic snicker from WW who sat in back seat. She suggests the Christian station, so we are off. I am stewing inside and telling myself that I am glad she made up my mind for me. She is engaging me at McD's and I give her one word answers. She offers me gum, I say no. I am cordial but she knows I am angry. We get home, kids in bed, I change and sit on bed setting alarm. She gets her nightgown asks if I want light out and tells me goodnight. Goodnight.