Hope4us' Struggle, part 2

[LL44]

And she will rationalize things so they seem logical to her, even if they aren't. Her reality distortion field is in full force right now.

This is so very true!!! Wonder how she'll be after that car ride.... wow. Infidels don't like to be trapped....

[Hope4us]

Just when you think it can't get anymore f'd up, WW does something new that just makes you shake your head.

On her way home from picking up DS19 from school (he's going to see his GF this weekend), WW text messages DS16 and tells him to ask me how much money she should get to give to DS19 for the weekend. She couldn't have just text messaged me?

But I guess I should be excited (place tongue in cheek here). When they got home WW actually said 5 words to me. "did you get the mail?"

It's really ok, I'm so detached right now that while DS16 and I were home alone last night I just kept thinking how NICE it was and how I could live that way without any problem. Might have to think on that one.

Can you say LBS turns WAH?

[Hope4us]

...you...can't...control...her!

Now, where have I heard THAT before???

This almost made me spew skoal juice all over my key board.

Because I'm so controlling ya know. That's what this is all about. And now that I have stated my boundary of NC it just PROVES I'm controlling. How in the world can I not see that me having a problem with my wife scr*wing a married man is controlling?

[Hope4us]

Just journaling a bit I guess.

Last night I went out with a couple of friends to see a minor league baseball game. One of the guys read the schedule wrong so as there was no game we just went out for some food and a couple drinks.

It was a very hard night for me. Sitting at this bar with friends and seeing happy couple's enjoying their Friday night out just hit me hard. I had so many triggers of WW and OM spending time together at places like we were at and I just went down more and more. I started thinking on the way home that I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive WW for what she's done. She continues to blame me for everything and have the attitude that she was justified in having an affair, and I'm not sure if I can ever forgive that. When I see her now all I see is a bitter, OLD woman, even though she's not old and is very attractive. I just have lost so much respect for the person that I've loved for over 23 years.

Lately I find myself having fantasies of my life going forward without her. Making plans for my life with my boys separate from the pain and hurt that is life with WW. And to be brutally honest, I'm beginning to wonder if all these years I've just ignored her selfishness and this affair has just brought to light what I've been ignoring all along?

See, in our marriage, the roles are backwards from the norm. I've always been the one to invest the time in trying to keep the marriage on track, alive, etc. I'm beginning to see that she's rarely put in the effort in our marriage. Nothing has been good enough for her. Her parents divorced when she was 8 months old and she never had much of a relationship with her dad. When he passed away 8 years or so ago, she hadn't seen him since she was 18. Her mom remarried when she was 4 and her step dad always made it obvious the he didn't really care about WW and her older brother. WW's half sister and brother were always treated better so WW spent most of her young life learning that to be happy she needed to only look out for herself. Step dad was higher up in the same company we both work for, so she had a upper class upbringing, but even though she lived the good life, she always knew she wasn't "part" of it.

When she went away to college she began looking for the love she didn't have from her real dad or her step dad. She was involved with what I consider a lot of men. But right before I'd met her she had been in a longer term relationship where she thought they were going to be married. Her then boyfriend started cheating on her and they broke up. This is when we got together. She was very honest about her past and it never really bothered me as I guess I thought she'd gotten it out of her system and was ready to settle down. Now I wonder if the only reason she hasn't done this before is because we lived in a small town where everyone know's everyone and the opportunity just wasn't there?

Our whole marriage, WW has been a flirt. She's always had more men friends than women. It never really bothered me as she always came home to me. Now I wonder if her flirting is a symptom of her continued need for validation from men due to her situation growing up? And when we relocated to a new city and jobs in separate work locations (we'd always worked in the same office and had all the same friends) where we don't know anyone that she took the "looking for validation from men" to the next step (affair) because the opportunity was there.

I know this is kind of rambling, but it's a reflection of the thoughts that have been going through my head lately. And the more I reflect the more I think our marriage has no chance given WW's refusal to even consider marriage counseling. Because I think she has some real deep seated issues that she'll never come to grips with on her own. And she's never going to work on us because how can she continue to be validated by men, with a husband tying her down?

Ok, I'm done now with the uneducated analysis. But it makes sense to me.

[hopeful4her]

From the sound of it, you may be dead on, brother. My WW had a messed up upbringing. It has to play a major role in her life. That is what concerns me. My kids. I now realize that I have to protect them from her destructive behavior. I thought that I could forgive WW, but the longer it goes, I don't know. Today, I also see her differently.