There are some on this board who have posted a long time ago that the MLC will reconnect with their children before they try to reconnect with you.
I have found that to be true, with my wife.
HOWEVER, to not think any reconnection is right around the corner, it won't be tomorrow, or soon, it does seem (to me) that this is part of the process.
Maybe BND or others can affirm this for you.
Last edited by Jack_Three_Beans; 04/15/0804:58 PM.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I did read about the reconnection with the kids but I am really trying to do like you all say and being still and watching...I haven't cried in front of him in a while...started to on the phone but it was okay...
I pretty much ignored him last night, only talking to him when he stopped over...
We'll see....I'm sure it's just because he's feeling the effects of the girls not talking to him....
Watch,listen, and be still...........Patience....hate that word...
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
You know - do not underestimate the effect on the kids - or the effect YOUR responses can have.
The more the kids see YOUR pain, the more scary and unsteady their world seems.
The more you keep life on an even, "normal" keel, and plan and do fun things with them, and help them to see that their dad is "sick" or weak in some way, not evil - the better for them. Model healthy boundaries and healthy recovery for them.
My S21 was 15 when I learned about my H's affair. This was brief, H never left the house, well-reconciled within a few months. I thought S21 was the least affected by it - but he still feels resentment over it.
I think my D15 is just going through the anger stage...I have never told her she couldn't talk to her dad or go see him; as a matter of fact I have always told my kids that their dad loves them..I know he does, it is just going to take a long time to get over that they have another brother who was kept from us for 8 years....we never knew....
They do know Im hurt but I try not to cry in front of the kids but sometimes its difficult....I am getting stronger though..and H has been over the past 4 nights probably feeling the effects of D15....I am going to talk to her but ultimately it is up to her...and I respect that....I am working on it myself....
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
Treese, took me awhile but I found you, haven't heard from you so was wondering how you were doing? I pray that you are doing okay.
I really understand about your kids. This is so hard for us but I cannot really imagine what my D16 and N14 really feel about Dad/Uncle just one day walking out on them.
N14 seems to be doing okay. She's a kid that pretty much just rolls with the punches. She has been through so much in her life and I really hate that she is now going through this. H made the major decision to addopt her and it is so wrong for him to just change his mind and leave her. But I said to her the other day that I am sorry to them both that their lives ended up this way. That I hate it that they don't have a "normal" home life. She just said to me "well it's better than it would have been if I had stayed with my mom or a foster home". This is the first time she has ever said anything like that. So it made me feel good.
D16 now is not doing so well. She has always absolutely adored her father. They are so much alike so they often have bumped heads. The year before he left was kind of rocky between the 3 of us because H wasn't taking here growing up so well. He wanted to continue to keep her 12 years old and I wanted to enjoy her growing into the responsible young woman she is. He was holding pretty tight reins, I was wanting to trust her and let her make her own decisions. She is such a great kid and I have always said until she breaks my trust in her I will let her fly. So far she is soaring. But having a hard time. This winter she had a pretty rough go at school. She was falling apart and the kids sensed it and preyed on it. She broke up with boyfriend of 1 1/2 years (to young anyway). That in itself caused her terrible pain. He was very cruel to her and caused her alot of greif. Then another boy came along and with that more drama and pain. She has been trying to work 2 jobs, go to school, coach little kids volleyball, and deal with dad not being here for her. TOO TOO much. Now her grades have really fallen. So mom has laid down the law. I've been pushing for her to go see school C. I've said 1 job only till school is out. And leave the boyfriend OUT till he figures out what he wants and you are okay with you. As far as her dad I listen, I understand, but I encourage her to spend as much time with him that he wants/she wants. I tell her all the time "I understand but you know that he is still your father and he does love you". Her answer is always "yea and just what does he do to show it". I can't argue, I just say " I understand but I know that he does".
It's tough enough on our selves. If only we could protect them. Just know that this mess we are in is NOT OUR fault. We didn't make the choice to cause so much pain in our families. We didn't make the choice to walk away. Be there for them. Love them. Listen to them. And with God's help we will all be okay.
Take Care Treese, Love, TOH
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
Thanks for checking on me......I'm trying just to get through day by day and just when I think I'm doing okay....boom....I'm right back to missing him...darn it.....I want it all to go away...
I just feel like I've been placed in someone else's life..
H came over to see kids 4 days in a row, then last night not a word from him...but every time he doesn't call the kids he is usually wpending the night OW.. grrrrr.........I hate that I know that....
I can't even eat normally anymore and he is out having the time of his life...HHhhhhhhh...actually need to see the doctor soon because health is not so hot.....
My D15 just wants him to go away....not even to come in the house when he picks up son for baseball...she would rather not even see him..I'm sad for both of them....but I totally understand...she feels robbed...
I'm glad you are doing well....I hope some day we are all in a better place...I pray for all of us daily....
(((hugs)))
Treese
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
It is weird isn't it? Before this all happenend. I absolutely loved my life. I used to tell people that my cup runneth over. Now I feel I've been kicked out of my life. I've been kicked out and OW is trying to jump into it. I have told my H this a couple of times and he just blows it off.
I too am living day by day. Sometimes hour by hour. And like you, Most days I am okay. I am working alot and trying to stay busy so I can stop thinking/worrying about H. Wondering if OW is about. Then there are days when I am so down. Can't stop crying and trying to convince myself to end this damb mess and go file. Then I can't.
Hang in there Treese and know you are in my thoughts and I am praying for you,
TOH
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
TOH; I too have felt like I've been kicked out of my own life...like I've been removed from my body and placed in someone else's life...it is very strange....
Journaling:
I continue to try to go dark but I have to deal with H so much because of son and baseball games...he plays for 2 teams, one of which my H coaches...
Last weekend I saw H 4 days in a row...he came to see the kids and I think he was coming over because he was feeling the effects of D15 not talking to him for the past 2 weeks, but the he didn't call at all....which usually means he's at OW house and won't call the kids...and they notice...H doesn't think so but he's not here with them...
Anyway, Thursday 2 of my friends wanted to take me out for a drink, and I had to watch Sons bball game and then pick up D from volleyball before I could go....H took son and I drove over...I looked all cute and everything....only stayed for 40 minutes, had to pick up D and left....picked up D and she had a migrane, an eye infection....grrrrrrrrrrr........so, took her home, told her to take a nice bath and go to bed...went out with friends...and picked up precription for D at 11 pm...of course friends want me completely away from H....these girls have been my friends for more than 35 years....I don't know what to do or think....
Anyway....didn't talk to H for 2 days at all and then he always emails me the morning after he spends the night at OW...it's weird...kind of like he feels guilty for staying with her....
I asked him if he knew I was at bball game and he said he didn't see me get there or leave...only once saw me talking to friends..really? he didn't even notice??? tells me a lot??? Oh well, I looked cute anyway...he probably noticed....and he knew I was going out...
Yesterday he had to do bball and I had to do volleyball....I got home at 6 and he and son at 7...played cards with son and then at 10 pm I asked him to make sure son got to bed and dog in cause I didn't feel well and wanted to go to bed...well, truth is I didn't want to watch him walk out that door again...it breaks my heart every time....and I just want to hug him...soooooo badddddd........
he left 15 minutes later...
Anyway, that's my last week, not exciting but just trying to live...got a wonderful email from my boss, he had some good things to say about me and some good advice...love him...Is he getting over me and us?? Gosh, he just looks happy and content in his new life...
Anyway take care all....
Last edited by Treese; 04/20/0812:51 PM.
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
Well, didn't see H yesterday...he told son he would see him but nothing. Son tried to call him but he didn't answer....
I had emailed H to ask if he could cut the grass cause I have too much this week...never heard back....so, today of all days, I went home for lunch, haven't done that for a long time...he was there...had cut the grass and was up in my bathroom cutting his hair, and about to take a shower....he was in his underwear cause I told him I needed to get in there for a minute...
I said thanks, and bye...came back to work..
A friend had mentioned maybe he was trying to be nice to get on my good side for settlement issues....what do you think?
I was hoping he was maybe missing home just a little but probably not...he just needed a hair cut....
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
Treese, Just had time for a quick scan of your thread--thanks for visiting mine! It's so hard to know what really 'worked' for me, and there are so many differences in our situations that I hate to just jump in with advice. I think the absolute hardest thing to do was detach, and it IS harder to do when you have constant contact, but ironically, that constant contact is a blessing, too, I think, because it does give them a chance to see changes in you. Probably the next most important thing for me to do was STOP TALKING to mutual friends and family. They just don't get it. And if they empathize with you, it is at his expense and makes reconciliaton harder in the long run. We don't socialize with many mutual friends any longer. I joined a divorce suppport group through meetup.com. It was more of a social group than the typical Divorce Care type of group and it helped immensely with my GAL. And this board at DB was more valuable than I can say. This is the place to truly vent, and to receive valuable advice instead of the "kick-'em-to-the-curb" you are more likely to hear from people you know. And find someplace in real life to meet new people, develop new interests and not necessarily focus on your marriage. I was lucky, I think, that the divorce group I joined was more social. I reached a point where I recognized the value from that group was the friendships and the activities and not so much the shared life experiences. Very few of them dealt with reconciling, so not much real life experience in common there.
I was also fortunate that we didn't have kids together, and our kids' respective parents are very active in their lives. We are not overly-involved step-parents and our roller coaster had little effect on them. I think the best you can do is remain as neutral as possible about your H when talking to your kids. Your Ds sound older, and sounds like they already know about the affair, correct? So it might not be inappropriate to try to do some damage control. One of the things I hate dealing with in real life is the "once a cheat, always a cheat" belief that is so prevalent in our society. One book helped me enormously in overcoming that belief in myself, and in defending my position to others...I'll have to find my copy to give you the reference and will try to do that before the day is over. It might even be helpful to recommend your older daughters read it--but read it yourself first and see what you think. It's been a while since I read it so please use your own judgement based on what your daughters know and what you think they can handle.
I didn't mean to write a book--see what you get for inviting me to stop by? :-)
Good luck to you--I'll try to check in with you again, but I'm honestly at a point where I don't spend a lot of time here anymore. Sometimes it's too much of a reminder of when things really, really sucked.
