assume nothing. Expect nothing. But accept the kindnesses, gestures etc that you do get.
After all, what if it is love just starting to resurface, or could be? What IF Instead of accepting it INTO our hearts, with cautious optimism and warmth, ----
instead, You let your fear cause you to put shields up, turn away from whatever her offerings are? Then you are bringing about/causing the very thing you most fear, a setback or worse.
Feeling safe partly comes from inside us, knowing we'll be alright even if they DO leave us...hard to explain.
But if you are overly/overtly/openly too suspicious or HOLDING BACK you will likely lose. I'm the expert on that, b/c I worried if I "rewarded" h's gestures "too soon" after he hurt me, then he'd take me for granted and repeat past bad stuff. Some of the "bad stuff" was bad in my opinion, not his, first off. So witholding was a total waste and Negatively damaged our M, more.
Some of h's stuff was "bad" in both our opinions, true, but if H's efforts weren't "delivered" the way I wanted them delivered, or insufficiently in my eyes, I'd close my arms (emotionally at least) to him when he did come home, to stay SAFE. It did nothing to make him Want to come home sooner. So, my behavior, however brilliantly justified, did NOT WORK.. so naturally, I kept doing it for years....cheeseless tunnels, etc.
Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy? So what if she's pretending? If she's "acting", she could be "faking it til SHE makes it", and be trying to make it. But here, with her apparent efforts, how do YOU lose by trusting, NOW that you see evidence and movement on her part and YOU have ALSO made changes, you've become a new man, stronger and more centered and a better H, which increases HER chances of sticking around. Sure it'd hurt like hell if she bolted again, and staying together, "piecing" is NOT easy. But YOU'd know YOU had done all you could, and you would survive with or without her, b/c you already have. I am NOT saying cancel all L appointments and re-open the joint accounts, move back in, etc., YET.
But being cold to her, when she's opening up to you, is rejecting her. Isn't it So so much worse to do that, lose any chance of reconciling and then get to wonder all your life instead, , "geez, did I just ruin my best 2nd (or 7th) chance I'll ever get?" You don't have to jump into water that still has icebergs in it, but seems like she's sending some real signals. Sometimes LBSers tell themselves to reject the WAS at least once, to teach them a lesson. I think that comes from a place inside us, OTHER THAN a loving one. Like a punitive place.
I'm rambling. You DO have a lot of work to do to MAKE the marriage a happy one --but both of you had a lot MORE work ahead of you to make your lives as single people happy, without each other. "Working" on a marriage with two people into it, isn't exactly digging ditches in hell either. I mean, I just had a "date" with h. That's "work" I'm fine with,
so don't forget to Love your Work! Keep it up !!
Yes,to be sure, stay safe and smart and protected (don't sign away things or recommit too fast, etc.). But dont' turn away the very thing you've been waiting for.
You can keep yourself safe by staying strong, and still be open to love and forgiveness, asking and receiving it, AND giving it without being asked...
((( j= )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
